9.15.2011

NFL Picks Week 2

So it was a bit of an uneven start to the season for me as I posted a 9-7 mark out of the gates. But hey, that's good enough to make the playoffs on occasion, and in some cases it classifies as downright running away with the division. Nevertheless, I'm sure I will make better picks this time around because I've seen every team play once, and I now know everything I need to about each and every squad. I can not and will not be fooled!

Sunday Morning

Kansas City @ Detroit

I don't know what to make of this one.

Lions 24-21


Oakland @ Buffalo

We could be looking at a preview of the AFC Championship game with this one. I thought the Bills had a chance at the upset last week but their 41-7 shellacking of the Chiefs was more than even Chris Berman could have dreamed of. By the way, I think I should pause to recognize Chris Berman's 25th year of NFL Primetime, and his 9th year of being completely insufferable. You're still the one, still crazy after all these years, what a long strange trip it's been, desperado, peaceful easy feeling, take it easy ...

Bills 28-24


Tampa Bay @ Minnesota

As it turns out, my statement from last week about Donovan McNabb not being able to throw very far was fairly accurate. He threw for 39 yards in the loss at San Diego. That's 117 feet. Meanwhile, the Bucs disappointed the fans in Tampa that actually decided to show up with a lackluster performance against the Lions for the second year in a row. So which team is ready to bounce back? I'll guess Minnesota. Hopefully McNabb has found the rest of the playbook by then (I'm assuming that when McNabb signed with the team they hid the playbook from him, just for fun and he's been on a National Treasure-like search for the pages ever since. That's the only way to explain 39 yards.).

Vikings 19-16


Chicago @ New Orleans

Hey, maybe these Bears don't suck! Nah, I'd still prefer to think that they suck. At the very least, they're not as good as they pretended to be in Week 1. I'll pick the Saints to win their home-opener, and if they lose I'll proclaim that Jay Cutler is awesome. Scratch that, I'll proclaim that Cutler is awesome if he smiles, just once. I know someone who could help him with that.

Saints 28-17


Baltimore @ Tennessee

I have to admit that I'm worried about Matthew in this one. The Ravens D was impressive last week, while Hass looked a little rusty. But if there's one thing we've learned about MH over the years it's that when he's doubted is when he's most dangerous ... as long as he's going up against the NFC West or the Saints secondary. Sadly, the Ravens fall completely outside that Venn diagram.

Ravens 26-10


Cleveland @ Indianapolis

What's more disheartening than losing Peyton Manning? How about losing at home to Andy Dalton and the Bengals. What's more disheartening than losing at home to Andy Dalton and the Bengals? Kano's finishing maneuver, which is literally dis-heartening.

Browns 17-16


Jacksonville @ New York Jets

Honestly, I'm not sure whether it's Luke or Josh McCown starting at quarterback for the Jags. Furthermore, I'm not sure Jack Del Rio knows either, he just knows that whichever one it is he's cheaper than David Garrard. Which is ironic, because my sources in Jacksonville informed me that Garrard is a notoriously bad tipper.

Jets 21-10


Seattle @ Pittsburgh

First the NFL made a rule in the offseason that no team from the East coast will have to travel to the West coast to play more than twice in a year, meaning that even though the last time the Hawks played the Steelers it was in Pittsburgh, Seattle will again be the visitor on Sunday. Now the league has assigned Bill Leavy, yes that Bill Leavy to officiate Sunday's match-up. Does the NFL really think they need to conspire against the Seahawks to ensure that they'll lose? Well , I do! Those bastards. Here's hoping that Leroy and Trufant arrange to high-low Leavy on the first play of the game resulting in a situation similar to this. That should level the playing field as far as officiating is concerned and clear the way for a Hawks' W.

Seahawks 20-17


Arizona @ Washington

The Cardinals helped make Cam Newton look like a Pro Bowler last week, and now they have to deal with Rex Grossman who kind of just looks like a pro bowler.

Redskins 24-13


Green Bay @ Carolina

Speaking of Newton, the only thing getting overlooked in his remarkable Week 1 performance is the fact that the Panthers lost the game. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if ESPN just declared Carolina 1-0 at this point, it would make for a better story. Meanwhile, Aaron Rodgers is a sicko, although, it's still debatable whether the Niners made the right choice when they took Alex Smith over him. Whoops! Gotcha Niners!

Packers 35-17


Sunday Afternoon

Dallas @ San Francisco

The thing that really bothered me about the Hawks/Niners game was Alex Smith's fat face thinking he got one over on us. Seriously though, you know you're a bad quarterback when everyone is pleasantly surprised that you didn't throw an interception. Congrats buddy. In case you haven't figured it out, I wasn't impressed with the Niners' performance last week, so there's no way I can pick them (and no, I wouldn't have picked them no matter what).

Cowboys 27-14


San Diego @ New England

It's ironic that the Patriots are playing the Chargers one week after Tom Brady's spectacular Monday night performance, because it has been compared to the classic performances of former San Diego quarterback Dan Fouts by Dan Fouts. To be fair I'm just guessing he said that, I do not mind putting words in peoples' mouths. In all honesty though, wasn't Brady's night made only average due to his terrible Uggs commercial? Can we just say it at this point? Tom Brady is not a cool guy. He repeatedly does awful advertisements in which he looks totally unnatural, not to mention this and this. I'm pretty sure that second one is Pete. As lame as he might be, Brady is still very good at football, which is one of the reasons why New England will win this game.

Patriots 28-23


Houston @ Miami

Luckily for the Dolphins, they get to start the season off with back to back home games. Did I say "luckily?" I meant to say "disastrously." I wish I could go back and delete that but I have one rule when I write these things, and I borrowed it from this guy. Anyway, I'd pick anybody against Miami in Miami, plus these Texans looked sharp last week, and it's not yet November so they can still win a game.

Texans 30-21


Cincinnati @ Denver

Here's another opportunity for Broncos fans to sound like morons and chant for Tim Tebow. They know he's the third-stringer right? They've got to go through Quinn just to get to him. They should try a new strategy: chant for Quinn, then when he's put in, immediately start chanting for Tebow. At least this way it makes sense chronologically. I'd like to take Cincinnati in this one, but one thing is troubling me, why hasn't Andy Dalton had black stripes dyed into his orange hair? This is a no-brainer right? Maybe he's waiting for the playoffs that they won't get to.

Broncos 16-13


Sunday Night

Philadelphia @ Atlanta

My Wacky Pick of the Week is that NBC will miss out on a huge storyline when they fail to mention the fact that Michael Vick used to play for the Atlanta Falcons.

Eagles 28-20


Monday Night

St. Louis @ New York Giants

To preview this game I decided to leave it to one of the men who will call the game, take it away Jaws: "Thanks Erik. Shit the Rams had a lot of injuries last week, but that's just something that teams have to deal with in the National Football League. Shit, meanwhile the Giants did not impress in their Week 1 loss to the Redskins. Shit, they played like crap. Shit, I guess it's time to make my pack, and I'm taking the New York National Football League Giants." Thanks Jaws, you filthy son of a bitch. By the way Ron Jaworski sent me an e-mail shortly after sending his preview apologizing for the inappropriate language he used, but in truth he used a few curse words in that message too, so I decided not to run it.

Giants 27-17

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