Boo-ya! Homeboy bounced back with a 12-4 mark last week. Yes, I referred to myself as homeboy, I thought it was kind of cool. No? Hmm. Alright homeboy, in that case let's get to the picks.
Houston @ New Orleans
Did you know that the Texans are the closest team geographically to the Saints? So why aren't these two heated rivals? Well, they've only played twice before, so that's why. You're not going to start with those dumb shit questions again are you? We were doing so well so far this season.
New York Giants @ Philadelphia
The most important player in this game? Giants punter Steve Weatherford. Just kidding, I wanted to make a stupid, bold statement to get attention like an analyst on ESPN or the NFL Network (Ouch! Take that suckers!). In all seriousness though, I'm guessing that if he punts to DeSean Jackson Tom Coughlin will cut him on site. Not kick him off the team, but actually cut him. Anyway, I expect Vick to play, and cause multiple cramps in Giants defenders, which means the Eagles will win.
Jacksonville @ Carolina
We all thought it might be possible that Cam Newton would throw for 850 yards before he got his first NFL win, but I figured that stat wouldn't be applicable until Week 7. But this is a man that likes to act quickly, like when he managed to go from eligible to ineligible back to eligible in less than 24 hours last year at Auburn. But hey, enough jokes about Cam's past (for this week), let's think about the present. I say Newton gets that first W.
New England @ Buffalo
I'm fully on board the Ryan Fitzpatrick bandwagon, and I have been since before the season when I fantasy drafted him as my second quarterback and then didn't have the balls to start him in either of the first two games. Well he's starting now! And because it's the 2011 NFL season expect to see over 800 combined pass yards in this one. Yes, it's possible that 750 of those will come from Tom Brady, but I have confidence that ol' Fitz will have a big game. Side note: also on the Ryan Fitzpatrick bandwagon, every gay man in the Buffalo area named Patrick (according to the 2010 Census there was 1, but there are probably 2 by now).
Miami @ Cleveland
It's a dream come true for the Dolphins to get out of SunLife Stadium, where they've lost 11 of their last 12. Now they're back on the road where they went 6-2 last season. Of course, this was a trend that I sniffed out in Week 4 last year, so I have no choice but to pick Miami. And yes, I realize that I have repeatedly patted myself on the back for this, but it's the most right I've been about anything I've written in these weekly picks, so until the Dolphins change things up you'll keep hearing about it.
San Francisco @ Cincinnati
Battle of the Titans here. Well, not really, they're playing in the next game, also these teams are both pretty lousy. However, the Bengals have shown fight, and the Niners managed to beat the Hawks somehow so I guess they're not the worst teams in the league. On an unrelated topic it's great to see Jerome Simpson carrying on the proud Bengals tradition of off the field legal issues. Always encouraging when a rookie steps up like this and puts the team on his shoulders, what an inspiration.
Denver @ Tennessee
Matthew, I'm so sorry I ever doubted you. Of course you were going to shred the Ravens' D last week, if anything I was just trying to motivate you further. Anyway, I've learned my lesson and I'm guessing that the rest of the league has to. That is, if anybody watched the Titans/Ravens game last week; I know I didn't, but I saw the stats! And MH looked great!
Detroit @ Minnesota
So everybody who thought the Lions would be good this year feels pretty happy with themselves right now. Well not so fast! My level-headed pick of the week says that Jared Allen will injure Matthew Stafford during this game, contributing to the Vikings' first win of the year. Then, when Stafford is carted off the field, Allen will ride with him the whole way tastelessly doing his calf-roping motion and playing to the crowd.
Baltimore @ St. Louis
It should be interesting to see how Rams fans respond after having a full week to study the Ram Rules. Now that everyone in the stadium knows what a sack is opposing players probably won't be able to hear themselves think. Now the producers of that video may want to make one for the players themselves, with a special focus on what happens to a pass when it goes backwards, it's obvious some of them are still confused. To sum it up, what a pathetic franchise.
New York Jets @ Oakland
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that the Heidi game will never be brought up once during this game (or by Chris Berman this weekend). However, when the game runs long CBS will make an exception and actually start 60 Minutes on time.
Kansas City @ San Diego
The Chiefs have lost their games by an average of 45-5 this year. What a bunch of sucks, a legit team could average at least 8.5 points a game. Though to be fair they've had to deal with a multitude of blown knees this season. There's a great oral sex joke to be made there, but I'm going to leave it up to you the reader(s) to post your own, go get 'em!
Arizona @ Seattle
Obviously Turd-varis has not been great, but it also seems like the play calling hasn't really given him a chance to do much. Either that or the T man just checks down on every play because he knows he can't make throws down field. Ok, now that I think about it the second one seems more likely. I say this week it's time to throw caution to the wind, because if the Hawks can't win this one it's probably just time to start wishing us Luck.
Atlanta @ Tampa Bay
Both of these teams made such impressive comebacks last week that Wilmer Valderamma has asked them to appear on the new season of "Yo Momma." Only later was it explained to Valderamma that "Yo Momma" has been cancelled for five years. As for this game, it's obvious that it will be pointless to watch until the 4th quarter, at which point the teams will exchange seven or eight scoring drives.
Green Bay @ Chicago
There's no way Jay Cutler will be able to leave this game right? I mean even if he's seriously injured he'll be obligated to stay in because of what happened in their last match-up. And if Cutler does try to come out I envision a lumberjack match-like scenario in which his teammates on the sideline force him to stay on the field. At the end of the game Cutler will be left a quivering mass at midfield shouting to the crowd and the rest of the Bears, "Are you happy now!? Is this what you wanted!?" Of course, the answer from everyone will be a resounding yes.
Pittsburgh @ Indianapolis
Much was made about the opening week match-up between the past two Super Bowl winners, but here we have the past two Super Bowl losers! I don't have much of a point here, I just wanted to remind myself that the Steelers lost the Super Bowl last year. What a bunch of fartfaces.
Washington @ Dallas
A lot of talk has been made about DeAngelo Hall saying he is going to go after Tony Romo's ribs in this game. It certainly sounds like a bold statement, however, I believe he was misquoted; what he actually said was that after the game was he was going to go to Tony Roma's for ribs. No word yet on whether he will opt for Carolina Honeys or Blueridge Smokies. While some folks may not agree with his choice of restaurant it's clear that Hall and the rest of the Redskins are hungry. Couple that with the fact that I don't think Romo will last the game if he does play and I'm taking Washington.
I think that's just 2.5 pounds of pot that Jerome Simpson has on his shoulders.
Weekly 9ers update:
1) The 9ers now have not allowed a 100 yard rusher in 25 straight games- the longest streak in the NFL.
2) Despite all of Tony Romo's attention, Alex Smith received a concussion during the last game and played it out.
3) Alex Smith has amassed a 95.5 QB rating despite having injuries to his top two receivers.
4) The 49ers beat the Bengals 24-20 in week 3, on their way to their 6th Super Bowl title in 2011-2012
Addendum to the "9ers update," San Francisco was not enough of a draw for the fans in Cincinnati to sell the game out.
In other Stinger news, Tampa fans have done it again! They're apparently gearing up for an 0 for 8 season because they couldn't even sell out in a week when the Falcons are in town. If a Bucs' Rules video surfaces I will officially consider Tampa to the worst fans in America.
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