2.16.2009

Mariners Re-Sign Entire 1995 Team

PEORIA, AZ – In an attempt to lure former Mariners superstar Ken Griffey Jr. back to the club, first-year General Manager Jack Zduriencik has re-signed every other player from the historic 1995 team. "The magic is back!" said Zduriencik on Monday, "Speedy Joey Cora, Randy "The Big Man" Johnson, Jay "Bonesaw" Buhner, and the rest of the great players you knew and loved will all be back in Mariners uniforms come opening day." Zduriencik, while admittedly unfamiliar with the players, was still very enthusiastic about the impending reunion and the turn around it could trigger for the organization. "All I know is that these guys saved baseball in this town once, and now they’re going to revive it, or my name isn’t Jack Zaderrrunnn-chickk …."

The series of moves comes as a surprise to many in the organization, including some of the more high-priced talent, such as 3rd baseman Adrian Beltre, who is entering the final year of his contract. "Beltre? Fuck him." Zduriencik responded. "Give me Mike Bowers any day of the week. I mean, just look at Beltre’s numbers last time he was in a contract year … Holy shit! 48 homers! … Um, whatever, Bowers will jack 50." When reached for comment Blowers responded in a whiny monotone, "Hmm, that seems a little unrealistic. And my name is Blowers. That being said, it should be fun to play again, I’m very very thrilled."

The team, as of right now is an exact mirror of the opening day roster from 1995, minus Griffey, of course. This leads some to believe that midseason moves will be made. Especially weary is former pitching prospect Jim Converse who was traded at the ’95 deadline for speedster Vince Coleman. "I can’t help but feel like I might not be here the whole season," said Converse. When approached with these comments Zduriencik responded, "Converse has an attitude problem, eh? Well I’m not afraid to ship out a bad seed, even one with as much promise as a Jim Converse." Converse played his last major league game in 1997, ending a 5-year career.

As odd and downright foolish as the move may seem to most, Zduriencik remains optimistic. "If you ask me, this team, with Griffey, might not lose a game. In fact, with the heart that this squad has, they’ll probably refuse to drop any to the opposition. I’ve even come up with a slogan that encompasses these ideals: Gotta win ‘em all!"

10 comments:

jimi said...

A-rods back? who knows Blowers might jack 73 and vince coleman will be stealing bases just like 1989. you know A-rods got the juice.

Erik said...

A-Rod is back. But Wakamatsu isn't too sure about these new revelations, so he might platoon him with Luis Sojo and Felix Fermin.

Japeddo said...

Nice move Z! Now I can finally get some more wear out of my Bobby Ayala jersey - J.J. who?

f. i. n. n. said...

I just bought game 5 of the 95 series on iTunes. Something I suggest all of you do... or die trying.

Anyway... I've been thinking of doing a running diary of the game. Maybe grab a six pack (or 3 HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA) and take notes. Anybody interested? Anybody? I'm buying!!! Somebody please!!!! Lookin' at you Alf.

Pete said...

I wish you had suggested this 2 hours ago. I've been at the library listening to people complain about how they worked their ass off this year and only got $91 on their tax return.

Erik said...

Holy shit it worked!

Hugh Jardon said...

Nice to have the "Kid" back even though he is twice the age he was when he first started here. I hope that he can inspire Suzuki (I am no longer calling that son of a bitch by just his first name. Who does he think he is Sting?) to actually be more of a team player. Maybe it will inspire Kenji to kick the shit out of Jeff Clement. Maybe if we start calling him Kenji he will catch fire.
I am sure that this will be all that Sleak Body (or Sleak for short) Silva will need to start mowing down the AL West. I think he has the ability now to turn this 100 loss team into a 65+ game winner. Did I hear someone say Mister February?
I hear they are building a new baseball stadium in Oklahoma City. I understand home plate is going to be a replica of Clay Bennett's ass. David Stern wants to be the first to tap it with his bat.
Should be the NBFA National Butt F****** Association.

Fortune said...

Not only did I never think I would see the day where Grif would patrol center field at the Safe (it has to happen once), I also never thought I would see 200 posts on HCM. What a magical day! It seems like only yesterday we were siting in the Bend airport with our Batman/Hancock hangovers.

f. i. n. n. said...

It's OK Hugh, you can say it... BUTT FRACKERS!!!

Strong take from Dr. Jardon.

Good to have you back!!

Erik said...

Yes Sean, 200 posts is a magical feat. And when HCM gets there it will be a great day. As of right now, however, we're sitting at 190.