NFL Picks Week 5

I'm sure a lot of you thought that since the Seahawks aren't playing this week I would have no reason to make picks. In fact, I know a few of you thought this because you told me as much in repeated e-mails that, if I didn't know any better, seemed to suggest that you didn't want me to make picks. Well fear not, I've got a hot batch of picks fresh out of the oven. (Note to all the kids who read HCM: Do NOT print these out and put them in the oven.)

Sunday Morning

Jacksonville @ Buffalo

Last week Scobee made a GW 59 yarder. The Jags may want to try a new strategy in which every time they get to the 40 yard-line they go for a FG to avoid any mistakes that would inevitably happen if their offense stayed on the field.

Jaguars 15-10

Tampa Bay @ Cincinnati

It was nice that Tampa got to spend an extra week above .500 because of their bye. This is like if a Governor granted a death row inmate a stay of execution just to fuck with him. Then a week or two later he calls and he's like, "Ok, but seriously, we're gonna have to execute you."

Bengals 20-13

Atlanta @ Cleveland

I really wanted to pick the Browns last week, but I'd picked them twice this year and they lost each time, so I had to go against them in Week 4. Of course, they ended up winning; sneaky Browns ... sneaky browns, that reminds me of the time I drank a full 2-liter of Squirt. (Look, if they don't want people to make poop jokes they should change their team name already.) Anyway, fool me twice shame on me, but I still don't think you'll beat the Falcons.

Falcons 27-17

St. Louis @ Detroit

It's become quite clear that the Rams are one of the premiere teams in the NFL. I mean, that's the only explanation for what happened last week. Be that as it may, the Lions have been close in all of their losses so far. At this point, a lot of people would say that close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades (in fact, some people would define their whole High School experience with that phrase). To that I'd say close also counts when we're talking about Glenn Close, star of Damages, Season 4 coming soon exclusively to the 101 Network only on DirecTV.

Lions 24-20

Kansas City @ Indianapolis

I'm not betting against the Colts until they lose .... what's that? They've already lost twice? The Colts are 2-2? Hmm. Oh well, I think that jokester Governor might be on the phone to Kansas City as well.

Colts 31-14

Green Bay @ Washington

Neither of these teams seemed very interested in winning their games last week, yet they both did. (The Hawks tried a similar strategy in St. Louis, results differed.) Will one of these teams step up and take this game. Sure, maybe, I don't care. Uggh, do I even have to make a pick? Fine ...

Packers 24-16

Chicago @ Carolina

Some of you may have seen that Carolina only lost to NO by 2 and thought that Jimmy Clausen did a decent job. Rest assured, he didn't. I was assigned that game at work so I got a chance to really check out Jimbo. He managed to avoid throwing any interceptions (which is really a shame because I was all set to start calling him Santa Clausen because he gives away so many gifts. I still really want to, it'll probably only take one pick for me to go for it.) but he also managed to look completely clueless on multiple occasions, including the end of the game when, on fourth down, he threw the ball well inbounds to a covered receiver who was 30 yards away from the end zone. Did I mention that there was :03 left and the Panthers had no remaining timeouts, meaning that even a reception in that situation would have been useless? Needless to say, I think I'll steer clear of Carolina for now.

Bears 13-9

Denver @ Baltimore

Kyle Orton's been slinging it for over 350 yards a game so far. I'm guessing he won't quite get there this time. And if he does, well then Kyle Orton, I owe you a steak dinner. (Which would actually be the second steak dinner I owe Kyle Orton after he beat me in our Oscar pool.)

Ravens 19-12

New York Giants @ Houston

Here's my Wacky Pick of the Week: The Giants show up to Reliant Stadium to find that the field is 500 yards long. Eli will come to midfield for the coin toss and ask, "What's this all about?" To which Matt Schaub will reply, with a shit-eating grin on his face, "You know what they say, everything's bigger in Texas." Manning will start to nod, put on his helmet and the game will get under way. However, it will soon become clear that, because of the large field, points will be pretty tough to come by.

TIE 0-0

Sunday Afternoon

New Orleans @ Arizona

A hotly anticipated rematch from last year's playoffs. But this time it's featuring Max Hall at QB! So basically this is a sequel to a movie that was shitty in the first place and with a worse actor in one of the leading roles. I'll just be calling this game Son of the Mask. (Ok, that was the best one I could come up with, I'm sure there's a better analogy out there. Feel free to post it in the thread.)

Saints 23-7

San Diego @ Oakland

We saw the Governor's Cup, then there was the Battle of Ohio, and now the California Classic. Just kidding, no one cares.

Chargers 28-20

Tennessee @ Dallas

If I were the Titans I would show up in my throwback Houston Oiler uniforms, causing the Cowboys to become very confused, "What's going on here? I thought we just played Houston!" It would most likely take Dallas about 3 quarters to figure out what's going on, and by then it would be too late. However, I don't think they'll do that, so they'll probably lose.

Cowboys 20-17

Sunday Night

Philadelphia @ San Francisco

Fox and ABC should have waited until this Sunday night to debut Lonestar and My Generation respectively, I guarantee they would have done better ratings going against this game. Seriously, shouldn't NBC execs just assume no one will watch so that the few people that do tune in seem like a bonus? Like when you go to Vegas and assume you're going to lose a couple hundred bucks, so that when you only lose $150 you don't feel quite as bad. Unfortunately none of these analogies made sense to Bateman, because he'll be watching this game very attentively, and when he goes to Vegas he assumes nothing and leaves with overdraft fees.

49ers 17-14

Monday Night

Minnesota @ New York Jets

Randy Moss has been given a unique opportunity to play in back-to-back Monday Night games. Unfortunately for Moss, because the Vikings have already had their bye week, he also has to play in 17 games this year. For a guy who obviously hates playing, this is disastrous. Still, Minnesota needs a win. Are they good enough to get it? Tough to say, but I really hate the Jets ... oh wait I hate Favre too ... I'm getting to old for this shit.

Vikiings 17-16

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