Washington @ Detroit
I was forced to start Donovan McNabb in a fantasy league last week. I knew it was a mistake, I just didn't have a choice. It was like drinking a warm Pabst Genuine Draft because all the stores are closed and you can't buy anymore beer (feel free to swap out PGD for your disgusting beer of choice ... or PineSol). So yeah, Donovan McNabb is like gross, warm beer; alright, the post is off to a good start this week.
Jacksonville @ Dallas
If either of these teams were playing anyone else I would pick the other team. As I've said time and again Jacksonville is lousy. As for Dallas, Jon Kitna's display on Monday Night almost overshadowed Max Hall's. Of course, that's like saying that that trash almost tasted worse than that barf; bottom line, you don't want to eat either. If the Cowboys hadn't fully checked out by last week, they certainly have now.
Miami @ Cincinnati
There's no doubt in my mind that Miami will win this game, all the signs are pointing to it. The Dolphins are now 3-0 on the road and 0-3 at home, and while Cincinnati may be the most exciting place they've played so far I think they'll have no problem taking care of the Bengals.
Buffalo @ Kansas City
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that Ryan Fitzpatrick will throw for over 300 yards in this game. Just kidding, there's nothing wacky about that, homeboy is slangin' it something fierce. My real Wacky Pick is that these two teams combine for over 90 points. Don't think it can happen? Well that's why it's wacky asshole.
Carolina @ St. Louis
If you would have told me before the season that this game would be for the best record in the NFC I would have told you that you were crazy; and it turns out I would have been right, neither of these teams are even above .500. Be that as it may St. Louis has been pretty good at home and Carolina has been pretty bad against all teams not coached by Mike Singletary.
Denver @ San Francisco
Sorry London! I love it when they show the fans during these England games and a lot of them have actually bought the teams' jerseys. I have to think that this is going to account for about 50% of Kyle Orton jersey sales this season. I really can't think of a worse match-up for the English to be subjected to. The Broncos' season is in a downward spiral after giving up 59 points at home to the Raiders, and then there's the 49ers ...
Green Bay @ New York Jets
Both of these teams are coming off wins against their former mate Brett Favre, which makes me think they're kind of followers. Everybody's beating Brett Favre these days, including Brett's own right hand (Oooh, am I talking about him throwing picks or masturbating?). Enough is enough, I'm personally not going to make fun of Favre anymore, and I think it's time for these teams to branch out on their own as well. Although, It'll be pretty tough because these lame-o's all do what their coaches tell them to. The Packers are still banged up so I'll go with the fatter coach's team.
Minnesota @ New England
Favre sure does like to limp. Look, I'm not saying he's playing up the injury just because he realizes he made a mistake coming back and now he wants out ... ok, maybe that is what I'm saying. And if the injury isn't going to do the trick than maybe his play will. That interception he threw in the 3rd quarter was one of the sadder things I've ever seen (This is the saddest) I didn't know whether to laugh really hard, or just laugh normally. Anyway, Favre says he's going to "give it a try" this weekend, but at this point that probably makes it even more likely that they'll lose.
Tennessee @ San Diego
The Chargers almost completed a great comeback last week, unfortunately it came down to big field goal and it was San Diego, so they fell short. When he was lining it up I said to Mustacheer Andy, "It's a big kick and it's Kaeding, he'll miss." Turns out Kaeding was hurt and it was actually Kris Brown, but I guess just being a Chargers kicker is enough to make anyone botch important field goals. It's kind of like Mariners left-fielders in the 90s, it doesn't matter who you throw in there, it's just not going to work out. So I'm going with San Diego.
Tampa Bay @ Arizona
Raheem Morris thinks the Bucs are the best team in the NFC. I'm not joking he actually said this. Granted the NFC doesn't look too great this year, but come on. Their wins are against the Browns, Panthers, Bengals and Rams. The only team they beat by more than 3 is the Panthers. Their losses are against the Steelers and Saints, and they dropped each of those games by 25 points. It's clear that the Bucs can be a competitive team, when they're not playing anybody good. Honestly, Morris' statement is so ludicrous that it actually bumped all the great Max Hall material I had for this game. Ok, I'll fit in one: It looks like Alex Smith's got some competition for the NFC West's Most Incompetent Miniature-Handed Quarterback.
Seattle @ Oakland
Last Sunday's Hawks game was quite the tease. Every time they got into the red zone they would get stopped before scoring big, I wouldn't be surprised if they practiced with blue balls this week. But hey, a win is a win, if it's by 12 or 45, which means the Raiders got nothing on us.
Pittsburgh @ New Orleans
Nice to see that the Steelers are still dirty rotten cheaters after another blown call goes their way. Finn already made the jokes about Big Ben and "getting it in" so clearly another Roethlisberger rapist joke would be in poor taste, plus I can't think of another good one right now. As for New Orleans, I'm not sure what to make of their horrible home loss to Cleveland. I mean I haven't seen Browns explode like that since I got food poisoning from Del Taco a couple years back. Maybe Bush really was the X-factor that made them go, I know that's true for Roethlisberger (Yes! Just in time.)
Houston @ Indianapolis
Both teams are coming off a bye week. This got me wondering, what do you think Peyton Manning does on his bye week? I'll bet he just goes out back and throws footballs against the house really hard from like 10 feet away. It's that type of dedication that allows him to prevail in tough games such as this one.