My Wacky Pick of the Week was that Matt Hasselbeck would appear on South Park. Turns out that it came to fruition, so I'm off to a good start.
Cincinnati @ Atlanta
I've been paying close attention to Matt Ryan for the last few years because he's on my fantasy team. One thing I've noticed is that he's not that good. He's decent, but certainly not good enough to have a nickname like Matty Ice. At this point I think it's just as likely that he likes to drink a lot and Matty Ice sounds like Natty Ice. As un-spectacular as he is, Carson Palmer and the Bengals are even less impressive.
Washington @ Chicago
Has anyone noticed Cutler doing this straight drop on all his passes? He gets the ball from center and just backpedals like it's the 1950s. Has he always done this? Forget any O-line problems, this is the reason Cutler's been getting sacked so much. Cutler must really like being annoying, that's the only way to explain him.
Philadelphia @ Tennessee
So every time one of the Eagles QBs gets hurt the other one comes in and plays awesome. According to this pattern, if 3rd-stringer Mike Kafka has to go in he'd probably play the greatest game we've ever seen. What a transformation that would be. (Well there it is, the most high-brow joke I'll ever make.) Anyway, that most likely won't happen so I'll go with the Titans.
Jacksonville @ Kansas City
I'm not sure I've ever seen a worse 3-3 team than Jacksonville. Are we sure that their win over Indy even happened? I didn't see it. More over, I called down to Jacksonville and didn't get in touch with one person who actually attended the game. This all seemed pretty strange until I remembered that nobody in Jacksonville ever goes to Jaguars games. So I guess my conspiracy theory falls flat right there, but that doesn't take away from the fact that the Jaguars suck.
Pittsburgh @ Miami
It turns out I should have trusted my theory about the Dolphins on the road. Now that they're back at home this is a clear loss. The only thing that makes me think twice about this pick is that Big Ben is back in the South which could be a recipe for disaster.
Cleveland @ New Orleans
Surprisingly Colt McCoy has lived to see another start. This is pretty impressive for a man that's never completed a pass more than 9 yards down field. (Think I'm joking? Look it up ..... Shit, you did? Well the fact that you even had to check proves that it was somewhat believable.) The Saints finally strung together a good game last week. Yes, it was against the Bucs, and it's tough to tell if they're any good but guess what? They get the Browns this week, so it doesn't matter.
St. Louis @ Tampa Bay
These teams have already surpassed or matched their win totals from last year, however, this one will probably still be a Stinger. I guess I can understand the Tampa fans' thought process. It would be like if someone told me that the new M. Night Shaymalan movie wasn't that bad, in the end I'm probably not going to believe them and I'm definitely not going to see the movie. In a related note I predict that Sam Bradford's season is brought to an end with a TWISTed knee.
San Francisco @ Carolina
Blllllllllllaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!! Excuse me, I just barfed when I saw this match-up (and yes, I managed to type out mid-barf the exact sound that I was making). Here's another instance of a Stinger where you can't really blame the home fans. In fact, withholding this game from local TV markets is more a reward than a threat. But hey, somebody's gotta win right? And guess what, the Clausen Alert is no longer in effect, we can shut off the alarm. This is legitimately the only reason I'm going to pick the Panthers.
Buffalo @ Baltimore
If you're in a suicide pool and you can still take Baltimore you should do it here. And if you're a Buffalo fan, odds are you're considering committing suicide in a pool. My advice? First off, relax, it's only football. Besides, you guys have been through worse, like when you lost 4 straight Super Bowls. Remember that? Also, there probably aren't a lot of pools in Buffalo, and any that are there are most likely drained or frozen this time of year.
Arizona @ Seattle
A clash for the top spot in the NFC West. That whoosh of air you just felt was the nation holding its collective breath. As a Hawks fan I like the idea of Max Hall coming to Qwest Field for his 2nd ever start. We all know rookie QBs never come in to Qwest and get Ws .... Ok sometimes it happens, but Max Hall is no Josh Freeman!
Oakland @ Denver
Ask me which game I have absolutely no interest in watching this week. Go ahead ask me ... Well this is weird, I can't really tell if you've asked. You see, I'm typing this before you're actually going to read it and ... ok this is the game I have absolutely no interest in watching. Oakland's offense was totally awful last week against the Niners, and the Broncos are just mediocre, not funny-to-watch bad.
New England @ San Diego
Alright Chargers, you're so much worse on the road it's not even funny anymore. Hold it, they've got Philip Rivers so it's still funny. However, San Diego has been dominant at home. If Antonio Gates plays I think they'll win
Minnesota @ Green Bay
It's pretty amazing that in a week when Brett Favre threw no interceptions, everyone's still talking about his pics ... ZING!!! If I were Favre I would have said the following at my press conference, "Well, I am the all-time leader in picks, what's a few more," winked and then walked out to uproarious laughter. Unfortunately I don't control Favre, so this didn't actually happen. Although, it has given me a great idea for a Grand Theft Auto-esque football game where you get to control what the player does off the field as well. Sending dick pics would account for most of the gameplay. I'm not sure I like either of these teams, but I think the Vikings get it up Favre-style for this one.
New York Giants @ Dallas
A lot of so called experts said that Dallas's season was over after their loss to the Vikings last week. Oh really? Well than why are they playing this week? I guess those "experts" aren't as smart as you thought. In all seriousness I wouldn't be surprised if the Cowboys just rolled over and died at this point, they don't seem like the most stable bunch.