St. Louis @ Chicago
The Rams are
1-1. Not a big deal, you say? Well would you like to know the last time
that St. Louis started 1-1? Me too. Somebody look that up. Anyway, this
year's team seems to have actually turned things around, at least on the
offensive side of the ball. The Rams' O has averaged 27 points over the
first two weeks, a marked improvement over the 12.1 ppg that they put
up in 2011. How marked? Totes marked. Of course, their defense has also
allowed 27.5 ppg, so it's still a bit hard to take them seriously.
Speaking of making it hard to take you seriously. I thought I'd
seen pouting before, but last Thursday Jay Cutler reached new heights
even for him, and those are unbelievable heights, we're talking Robert Wadlow style here. The deciding factor in this contest will most
likely be the Bears defense, which actually played pretty well for most of the
game against Green Bay, and playing pretty well is precisely the
blueprint for beating St. Louis.
Buffalo @ Cleveland
Rustbelt showdown! Fun fact that isn't true: these were the two most
populous cities in the 1930 US Census. As a tribute to this, I feel like
the game should be banned from TV and probably radio too. Ideally the
only reports of this game would be provided by ticker tape. And you
better bring a shitload of it, because this one could go alllllll night!
Actually that could not happen due to the NFL rules. Come to think of
it, a tie would be a fitting end for this throwback, but I know you
folks don't come here for ties, this isn't the Men's Wearhouse. That
being said, at the end of this game, if you're a Bills fan you're gonna
like the way you look, I guarantee it.
Tampa Bay @ Dallas
these teams have played the Giants, so if we simply employ the
transitive property based on their games against that mutual opponent it's clear that the Cowboys will win. Of course,
it's common knowledge that Bucs' coach Greg Schiano's favorite saying
is, "Fuck the transitive property." In fact, that's what he said to Tom
Coughlin during their postgame altercation, which explains why Coughlin
looked so confused; it had nothing to do with Tampa being over-zealous
on the game's final snap. Speaking of which, it seems to me that the
Bucs were simply playing the game all the way until the bitter end, a
kind of never say die attitude that the Cowboys clearly don't have. And
it's for that very reason that I'm picking Dallas. I admire a team that
knows when to die.
New York Jets @ Miami
almost here. After a sub-par Week 2 performance from Mark Sanchez, Jets
fans are most likely getting a little antsy. Now all it will take is
Sanchez wilting in the Miami heat to set up a day of reckoning when the
Jets return to New York in Week 3 to play San Francisco.
Obviously Sanch will struggle mightily in the first half, leading the
masses to chant His name. And then we will see Him rise again. And they
will call Him Tebow, and He will be good. For this prophecy to come true
it will require a second straight home win from the Dolphins. This
might be asking too much, or maybe ... not enough? Yeah, that makes
San Francisco @ Minnesota
lot of people are saying that the 49ers are the best team in the NFL.
Of course, those people aren't me. For starters I'm only one person, it
would be impossible for me to be people. It's just logic folks. Is San
Francisco the best team in the league? I'll hold my judgment until after
the Super Bowl, I never jump to conclusions when declaring the league's
best team. Is San Francisco good enough to beat the Vikings? If you're
talking about the Christian Ponder led Vikings, then yes, they're good
Kansas City @ New Orleans
promises to be one of the more entertaining games during the morning due
in large part to the fact that both teams' defenses have been so
god-awful. They've each relinquished an average of 37.5 points per game,
leading me to believe that this will be a high scoring affair, and on a
broader scale just leading me to believe again. Look, I can't
get too into it here but these abominable defenses have opened me up
spiritually in ways I could never have imagined so soon after the
accident. I'm sorry, I can't continue any further with this game, it's
getting too deep.
Cincinnati @ Washington
With RG3 at the helm the Redskins offense
has become nothing short of dynamic, while the Bengals defense has been
everything short of dynamic. This looks like a recipe for a Washington
scoring outburst. And this looks like a recipe for banana bread.
Detroit @ Tennessee
Titans have managed just 23 points so far this season. I'm not saying that
Jake Locker shouldn't be their starting quarterback, but it's clear that
the Gods are angered, or maybe just confused by the fact that Matthew
Hasselbeck is on the sideline. It's just unnatural, though it does give
him ample opportunity to wear a hat. It would appear that for the time
being Tennessee will stick with Locker, at least until a giant spear
descends from the heavens and pierces midfield. After that they'll
probably figure it out.
Jacksonville @ Indianapolis
showing signs of life in Week 1, the Jaguars revealed their true selves
in a 27-7 home loss to the Texans. And it's this kind of putrid
consistency that will most likely relegate them to the Corner Screen at
The Shack for a second week in this young season. Maybe they'll surprise
us all and pull out a win, and congrats to them if they do. I'll have
to take your word for it though, because I refuse to watch.
Philadelphia @ Arizona
a battle of unbeaten teams that could easily be a battle of winless
teams. The Eagles and Cards have won their four games by a combined
total of eight points. Michael Vick has already thrown six interceptions
this season, meanwhile the Cardinals quarterback is Kevin Kolb. Hey
speaking of Kolb, this is his chance to finally get revenge against
Philadelphia, the team that traded him allowing him to sign a gigantic,
unwarranted contract with Arizona. Man I can't wait to see what he's got
in store for those bastards. Judging by both of these teams' games so
far this figures to be a nail-biter, after which we still won't be sure
if either team is good.
Atlanta @ San Diego
of these teams also come into this match-up undefeated, and while the
Chargers have looked fairly tough to beat so far, the Falcons may have
just the key to handing them their first loss: competent long-snapping.
In fact, if there was a ticking time bomb that had to be disposed of,
and for whatever reason the only viable option of disposing of that time
bomb was bending over and flinging the time bomb between your legs, I
wouldn't want anybody other than Josh Harris to do the job. And
just to reiterate, that "job" is flinging a ticking time bomb through
his legs while bent over. Unfortunately, while on a football field
Harris's impact is limited, and with his team coming off a short week
and a long plane flight I'll have to go with San Diego.
Houston @ Denver
Texans continue to stake their claim as the best team in the AFC. Of
course, they've staked said claim on the withered corpses of the Jaguars
and the Dolphins, who were being guided by a clearly petrified Ryan
Tannehill in his first start. This figures to be Houston's first real
test as they travel to Denver to take on Peyton Manning, who almost led
his team to a stunning comeback victory last week. Of course, the reason
they were trailing by so much is because of his atrocious first
half. I think Manning will find a balance in this game and just be
pretty bad throughout.
Pittsburgh @ Oakland
a rematch of the Immaculate Reception game, which of course makes me
wonder how long it would take the replacement refs to review that play
if it happened on Sunday. My guess is 47 minutes, which is also my guess
for how many actual game clock minutes it will take the Raiders to
score points in this contest.
New England @ Baltimore
one of these teams will fall to 1-2 by the time this game is done. I
mean, it's not that surprising since they're both 1-1 right now, but you
get what I'm saying, right? I'll just assume you said yes; and if you
said no, c'mon, stop being a dick. Speaking of being a dick, the
Patriots are apparently freezing out Wes Welker. What did he ever do to
them besides drop the pass that would have clinched the Super Bowl and
then ask for a new contract the next season? It seems pretty petty to
me, and I think it will only hurt this team as long as their dispute
Green Bay @ Seattle
official, the Seahawks are the best team in the NFL. Look, I'm not
making this up. According to a stat called SRS, which rates a team's
quality relative to average, with 0 being average, the Hawks rate a
league best 27.7. Do I fully understand SRS? No. But I understand that
it gets results, correct results. I was a bit worried about the Hawks'
match-up with Green Bay, but SRS has never steered me wrong in the past.
Another interesting tidbit I discovered this week is that the Seattle
secondary refers to itself as the Legion of Boom. Well, I'm on board!
And I'm willing to bet that after a few long runs by Marshawn, the DBs
will be on the sideline saying, "Ohhhhhhhh what a rush!"
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