NFL Picks - Week 2

Sunday Morning

St. Louis @ Atlanta

I'm not sure what we learned about the Rams in their 27-24 win over the Cardinals last week except for the fact that they have found their tight end! Finally the endless TV coverage can stop. Too many times I've seen "When will the Rams find their Tight End?" lead off the Coors Light Six-Pack of questions on Sportscenter. But not anymore. Now they can move on to more important queries like "What will Tim Tebow's legacy be?" The Falcons are in need of a win because it's Week 2 and if they lose here they're 0-2. And what about their other 14 games? Will they win ANY of those? You tell me! It's a slippery slope. Scared yet Atlanta? 

Falcons 27-17

Carolina @ Buffalo

In Week 1 we learned that the Panthers may be one of the best teams in the league as they were able to actually stay competitive with the Seahawks. The Bills didn't look like slouches either, managing to take the Patriots down to the wire. So what we have here are two teams that are almost good enough to win which could mean we're headed towards the first double loss in NFL history. Wouldn't that be a nightmare for the league? You can rest assured it would light up the Coors Light Six-Pack of questions, hell they might even have enough for an eighteener. The odds of it actually happening are low though, so I'll stick with a more conventional pick.

Panthers 20-17

Minnesota @ Chicago

A lot of people say that Christian Ponder sucks, but I'd say that he blows. Though, I can't really disagree with anyone who does think he sucks. Let's just all agree that he's heinous and that the Vikings would be better off with a different QB, one that scores a touchdown on every play. With someone like that under center they'd be pretty unstoppable. However, unless they find that guy (or girl; I'm nothing if not progressive when it comes to women getting the same opportunities as men; that being said, I definitely wouldn't pay a female quarterback as much) before Sunday I think they'll be in trouble.

Bears 23-16

Washington @ Green Bay

You guys ready to be 0-2? No? Well tough shit, because one of you has to be after this game; unless you tie. Aww man, you're gonna tie now just to make me look like an asshole aren't you? Fine do it, see what I care! Psst ... hey Packers, just tell the Redskins you're going to tie and then go out and score as many points as you possibly can, I'm pretty sure that's what the Eagles did last week.

Packers 31-23

Miami @ Indianapolis

The Colts nearly lost a home game to the Raiders. Even the Raiders were like, "Seriously?" Maybe it was an elaborate goof, but if you play with fire in this league you're gonna get burned. Of course I'm excluding from that statement the master technicians that arrange fireworks displays for all 32 teams every season, those artisans are far too professional to ever let an injury occur on their watch, but that goes without saying. As for Indy, I think they feel the heat for real this week. Yes, I know that they play in a temperature controlled indoor stadium. And yes, I know that the Miami team in this game isn't the Heat, but they're going to lose, just deal with it.

Dolphins 24-23

Dallas @ Kansas City

The Cowboys gave up the most points of any winning team in Week 1, while the Chiefs gave up the least. What does this mean? Well, probably just that the Chiefs were playing the Jaguars. But you have to appreciate the style in which they won, surrendering only the ever-hilarious point total of 2. The Chiefs were a trendy pick to make the playoffs this season, but not by me. I did pick them to make the playoffs last year, which makes me kind of a hipster right? I was ahead of the trend. Although they proceeded to win only 2 games so maybe I'm just an idiot. I think they'll manage to get another W this week, because a loss would mean that Dallas played well two weeks in a row, which hasn't happened since 1996.

Chiefs 26-24

Cleveland @ Baltimore

Raise your hand if you're an AFC North team that won last week ... Crickets yo! That's right, they're all 0-1 ... and I predicted three of them to make the playoffs ... including the Browns ... whose quarterback is Brandon Weeden. Why didn't anybody remind me of that!? Now I look like a real moron, like a guy who couldn't graduate from college until he was 27.

Ravens 20-14

Tennessee @ Houston

The Titans come into this game 1-0 despite amassing only 229 total yards against Pittsburgh in Week 1. If they think they can do the same in Houston and come away with a win, they'll have a problem. Yes! I did it! I've included the most hackneyed movie reference re-purposed for use in a sports context ever! I'd love to take credit for it but every other writer in the world did it before me. Seriously though, if their offense is that weak again they won't manage to get the win this time.

Texans 27-15

San Diego @ Philadelphia

The Eagles are operating at light speed in Chip Kelly's offense. It seems like that would be exciting to watch, but it actually makes for a strange viewing experience because their offense just appears as a beam of light and you really can't tell what's going on. The referees are left to merely guess at how many points they're scoring. The actual number could be infinite.

Eagles 34-24

Sunday Afternoon

Detroit @ Arizona

In response to the record $100,000 fine levied against him by the league for his superfluous block in the Lions win over Minnesota Ndamukong Suh says that he'll continue to play "blue-collar football." Good for you Ndamukong. Don't let these ivory tower fat-cats tell you not to be an asshole. You just drive your ol' beat up Chevy down to the ballfield and do what you do best: stomp losers and kick dicks.

Cardinals 28-26

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay

The Bucs had perhaps the most painful loss of Week 1, falling to a last second field goal that was made possible by linebacker Lavonte David's late hit on Jets' QB Geno Smith. Most people are lambasting David for his bonehead play, but I actually think he did the right thing. You can't just let that young quarterback scamper out of bounds without paying the price. Welcome to the NFL rook! Don't nothing come easy in this league ... except for your first win now that I've shoved you to the ground while outside the field of play. The Saints defense looked competent in their win over Atlanta, which means it will look great against Tampa.

Saints 28-16

Jacksonville @ Oakland

It's possible that the Raiders are one of the worst teams in the NFL, but it's an absolute fact that the Jaguars are. A win for Jacksonville here would flip the bottom of the league on its ear, sending shock waves reverberating throughout the nation. A win for the Raiders would elicit a shrug from millions. Well, start you shrugging practice football fans!

Raiders 22-16

Denver @ New York Giants

Manning vs. Manning. Or as it's said in Latin: Manoing e Manoing. Or as it's said in pig Latin: Anningmay ersusvay Anningmay. Or as it's said in pig: OINK! vs. OINK! The point is whether you're man, beast, or speaker of a dead language you'll be tuning in to this game. It makes you wonder why it's not scheduled for Sunday night. What monumental, history-shaping event could possibly be a more desirable match-up?

Broncos 31-28

Sunday Night

San Francisco @ Seattle

AAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAA!!! That's the sound I'll be making before every 49ers snap on Sunday, but it's also been the only thought running through my head this week (making it very difficult to write this post). One can only wonder what Jaw Sweatshirt will be whining about after this game, but rest assured it will be something, as he's been making a habit of doing just that. If I had to guess he'll be petitioning the city of Seattle for a new pair of pants after messes them due to the noise, the Boom, and the Beast (and also Russell Wilson).

Seahawks 24-0

Monday Night

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati

Why is there even a Monday Night game this week? You don't book another fight after the main event (unless you're Paul Heyman).


Bengals 20-13