NFL Picks - Week 1

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ Carolina

Let's get it started, let's get it started in here! Why try to put it into my own words when the Black Eyed Peas said it so eloquently (after some light research I found out that the uncensored version says, "get retarded," which just disgusts me as a serious journalist; also it doesn't kick off the season in such a totally sick way!) As we all know my weekly Hawks picks are sort of academic since I always think they'll win, but who knows, maybe this will be the season that I'll do something shocking (Editor's note: Nope!)

Seahawks 23-13

New England @ Buffalo

Due to a rash of injuries and front-office ineptitude the Bills were almost forced to start Jeff Tuel in their opener against the Patriots. Which begs the question, was everybody else busy? Just kidding Coug fans! Sort of. But Buffalo fans breathed a sigh of relief when it was announced earlier in the week that E.J. Manuel would be available to start. Congratulations (question mark).

Patriots 38-17

Cincinnati @ Chicago

A lot of folks are expecting big things from the Bengals this season, but then again a lot of people are idiots, so it's really anybody's guess. Personally, I think they'll win the AFC North and win this opener against the Bears who have a new coach that was in charge of a hockey team at this time last year. And before you say anything, no I did not double-check that, but isn't that part of what makes these the most trustworthy picks on the web? (Didn't double-check that either)

Bengals 20-17

Miami @ Cleveland

These are two squads that a lot of people think might surprise a lot of people, though if a lot of people think that will it really be that surprising when they surprise people? Surprisingly, I say yes!

Browns 24-20

Atlanta @ New Orleans

A huge NFC South match-up to start off the season ... is a phrase that normally elicits yawns across the well-educated region of the country, however, this game should be one of the more entertaining tilts in Week 1. Sean Payton returns to the sideline and I have to imagine that after a full year away his message to his team will be, "Kill the fucking head! Whoever knocks out Ryan gets a Porsche." Intimidated yet Falcons?

Saints 35-32

Tampa Bay @ New York Jets

This game should be played on Revis Island! Am I right everybody!? Of course I'm just kidding, as we all know the stadium construction on Revis Island won't be completed until Summer 2015; though from what I hear that might be a generous estimate. Can you say, "Labor issues?" I know my ex-wife can! She's in the stirrups all, "You did this to me!" And I'm like, "Oh, I made you into a crazy bitch?" I don't think she got the joke because it only seemed to piss her off more, that's when I knew it was over. I'll take Tampa.

Buccaneers 20-12

Tennessee @ Pittsburgh

The Steelers haven't missed the playoffs in consecutive years since the '99/'00 seasons, so after failing to qualify for the postseason last year it would only make sense for them to come back strong. And with that I've accomplished my preseason goal of including since and sense in the same sentence. Might just call it a year now.

Steelers 28-14

Minnesota @ Detroit

It's a bit hard to judge these teams coming into the season, especially for me because I don't judge anybody. Like when I look at a team I don't even see what color their uniforms are, to me that's not what defines a team. The Lions had a gigantic letdown of a season in 2012, while the Vikings shocked everyone with a run to the playoffs. I'm guessing that these teams will meet in the middle this year, and since they're both even it would make sense that my pick is the home team.

Lions 30-23

Oakland @ Indianapolis

Matt Flynn has now lost a presumed starting quarterback job to a young upstart in consecutive seasons. He's basically become a wrestling jobber. They bring him in and the young guy with promise looks much better by comparison. Also, when the starting quarterback gets introduced with fireworks and entrance music Flynn is already out on the field with a jacket on, in true jobber fashion. Speaking of jobbers, it looks like the Raiders' record might be akin to that of a Pez Whatley or a Brooklyn Brawler by the end of the season.

Colts 34-17

Kansas City @ Jacksonville

These teams selected first and second in this year's NFL draft, meaning they were the worst teams in the league. Consequently, a match-up between the two should be relegated to the worst screen at every bar across the country. And I think you know what that means ... we're sending it to the CORNER SCREEN AT THE SHACK! But curious viewers wanting to get a look at the Eric Fisher/Luke Joeckel match-up will most likely provide a healthy ratings bump.

Chiefs 21-16

Sunday Afternoon

Arizona @ St. Louis

It was clear after last year's quarterbacking debacle in Arizona that any replacement would be an upgrade at the position. Then the Cardinals signed Carson Palmer and things became, well, less clear. In all honesty, Palmer is an improvement from what they had last year, he's just not a long-term fix. He's also not a quick fix. Nor is he quick in terms of actual foot-speed, but he was available, so now he's the starting quarterback of the Arizona Cardinals. If the Rams fancy themselves as a playoff contender this has to be a win.

Rams 26-17

Green Bay @ San Francisco

Last season in the Divisional round, Colin Kaepernick shredded the Packers' defense for 181 yards rushing and alerted the nation to just how big of a douche he is with repeated kisses to his biceps. Green Bay clearly had to rethink their defensive strategy in preparation for this game, and from what I hear they've come up with something pretty creative. Apparently they're planting extra hat vendors to roam throughout the stadium with caps from every team in the league. The theory being that Kaepernick will be distracted by all the "fresh" colors that could potentially match his garish outfits. With all of that running through his head he'll have a tough time replicating his past efforts. San Francisco will most likely do enough to pull out the W though.

49ers 27-24

Sunday Night

New York Giants @ Dallas

I was wondering where all that sexy NFC East action was in Week 1, but I should have known that both intra-divisional match-ups would be featured in primetime. It's Eli vs. Romo in a ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Giants 31-28

Monday Night

Philadelphia @ Washington

Is RG3's knee healthy? What will the Eagles' offense look like with Chip Kelly at the helm? Are rhetorical questions the best way to create intrigue? Find out the answers to all that and more at a special 3:55PT start time!

Redskins 24-19

Houston @ San Diego

It's always fun to root against a turbo go-hard like Philip Rivers, though this may be the year in which it just becomes sad. The Chargers promise to be pretty lousy, and I fear that by the end of the season Phil will have lost that competitive fire that made him oh so hateable in the past. Step one will be a lackluster performance on a Monday night. We might as well start calling him Josh Radnor. Ooh, sorry Radnor, I just had to burn ya.

Texans 27-13

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