NFL Picks - Week 14

Morning Games

Cleveland @ Buffalo

These two teams seem to have been in an inordinate amount of exciting games this season considering how bad they are. So this game figures to be pretty interesting doesn't it? No! Sometimes two rights make a wrong, and three rights make a left.

Bills 23-20


Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh

Last week the Bengals fell for the oldest trick in the book, but they shouldn't feel so bad about it. I mean, if it's the oldest trick in the book it's got to be pretty good right? Otherwise they would have taken it out of the book. For instance, one of the next oldest tricks in the book is "Steal someone's wallet," which still works today. But seriously, these dipshit morons don't deserve to win.

Steelers 27-14


Green Bay @ Detroit

Wacky Pick of the Week: Aaron Rodgers throws for over 500 yards ... on the first drive!

Packers 37-30


New York Giants @ Minnesota

For all my Favre hatred over the years I really should have enjoyed seeing him get obliterated last week more than I did, in actuality it was just kind of sad. I mean, here's a guy at the end of his rope just trying to gut it out like he's done his whole career, you have to respect ..... alright never mind I just watched the clip again and it's hilarious. He's all, "Let me just throw it here, ok, here I go AHHHHHH!" He actually seemed like he almost exploded right there on the field, and isn't that how we all expect it to end at this point? Favre literally exploding (or imploding) after a big hit and then Chris Berman making it his #1 play that week and saying, "What a way to go," no "Bye bye Miss American Pie," no "You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave." Yep that's exactly what will happen.

Giants 24-21


Tampa Bay @ Washington

So the Redskins basically suspended Albert Haynesworth for being an asshole. Also because he kept making this face. Hey Albert, are you angry or something? We couldn't tell from your frowny face. Washington shouldn't be too surprised that Haynesworth ended up being a jerk though, I mean he did step on a guy's neck during a game.

Buccaneers 21-20


Atlanta @ Carolina

The team with the best record in the league takes on the team with the worst record in the league. Now, conventional wisdom would tell you that this game would be a blowout; well, I for one am a big believer in conventional wisdom. Falcons in a blowout!

Falcons 31-10


Oakland @ Jacksonville

This sound-bite sums up how I feel about the Jags' winning four of their last five. They're still shitty. Just the thought of picking these trash-eating stinkbags makes me sick.

Jaguars 24-16


Afternoon Games


Seattle @ San Francisco

When Mike Singletary announced that Alex Smith was going to be the starting quarterback this week I reacted a lot like the kid at the end of this clip (:28).

Seahawks 23-16


Miami @ New York Jets

This week the Dolphins travel to New ... wait, I don't even have to finish that statement, the very fact that the Dolphins are traveling anywhere means that they'll win.

Dolphins 20-17


Denver @ Arizona

It seemed like the Cardinals really had a chance to win this week until Denver fired their coach. If we've learned anything this year it's that if you fire your coach you will win the following game (we've also learned that the Dolphins hate playing in front of the lame-o's at LifeShark Stadium, but I already went over that).

Broncos 21-14


Kansas City @ San Diego

The Chiefs have taken a stranglehold on the AFC West. Will they let go? No, absolutely not, the Kansas City Chiefs are cold-blooded killers that want to watch the life drain out of the AFC West's eyes, the sick bastards. But they'll probably lose this week.

Chargers 27-24


New England @ Chicago

Three words: Possible playoff preview. Whoops, I guess that means it would have to be in the Super Bowl. Look, I'll be honest, if I see two teams with good records playing each other and I don't know what to write I just say "possible playoff preview." I'm a fraud. I promise not to stoop to this level again, I only hope that you can forgive me.

Patriots 28-20


St. Louis @ New Orleans

If the playoffs started today these teams would meet in the first round.

Saints 30-13


Sunday Night


Philadelphia @ Dallas

Not a possible playoff preview here, yet it wasn't flexed out of the Sunday Night slot. Although when you look at the rest of the schedule the only other possibility is KC @ San Diego, and I'm sure NBC doesn't want that aforementioned snuff film on their hands.

Eagles 30-27


Monday Night


Baltimore @ Houston

Why in the world would ESPN schedule the Texans in a Monday Night game this late in the season? They never end up being good. Wouldn't putting them on earlier in the season when they're surrounded by hype be a better idea? Wait a minute, the Texans are only two games out of first in the AFC South, and the Ravens are in line for a Wild Card, you know what that means ...

Ravens 21-16