NFL Picks - Week 17

Morning Games


Carolina @ Atlanta

Now that Carolina's locked up the #1 pick in the draft they can give this game their full effort. Unfortunately, they've actually been giving their full effort all year, so don't expect much in this contest.

Falcons 37-13


Pittsburgh @ Cleveland

My Wacky Pick of the Week? Blood ... blood everywhere!

Steelers 20-17


Minnesota @ Detroit

On Wednesday one of my co-workers said, "So do you think Favre's gonna start?" Is that really still a topic of conversation? Who gives a shit? The only Favre-related news that I care about is that he got a slap on the wrist for sending dick pics. Well, look out ladies! It took ol' Brett 4 years to figure out how to send dick pics, and now that he knows he can get away with it he'll probably just send out a few blast texts a week.

Vikings 21-16


Oakland @ Kansas City

The Chiefs can lock up the 3 seed with a win, meanwhile, the Raiders can finish 6-0 in their division if they come out on top. I've heard the argument that Oakland would win the NFC West if they played in it, that argument is stupid. They've gone 5-0 in the AFC West, how could they have done any better against the NFC West? It's not their division that's stopping them it's the rest of the league. (To be fair I haven't heard this argument in weeks, but it seems even dumber now, so why not dust it off.)

Chiefs 24-21


Miami @ New England

It's been a great run Dolphins and what better way to close it out than beating the best team in the NFL, on the road of course. Seeing as how the Pats have already locked up the #1 seed in the AFC, Miami will most likely get the W, making them 7-1 on the road and 1-7 at home. It's rare that season ticket holders would be justified in asking for their money back after an 8-8 season, but that's the case here.

Dolphins 28-20


Tampa Bay @ New Orleans

A lot of playoff implications in this one, all of which will be rendered moot once the Falcons easily beat the Panthers and the Packers cruise past a Bears team with nothing to play for. So suck it Tampa. Congrats on the big win last week, but guess who still controls their own destiny? Chazz Whitehurst and the Seahawks, that's who!

Saints 27-17


Buffalo @ New York Jets

The whole Rex Ryan foot-fetish thing seems to have blown over. Or maybe it hasn't, but I ran out of ways to fit 'foot' into my pick. Don't worry the Jets are going to the playoffs so I'll have at least another week to think of some good zingers.

Jets 17-13


Cincinnati @ Baltimore

If the Ravens win and the Steelers lose Baltimore will get the 2 seed and a first round bye. If that doesn't happen they'll most likely have to play at Indianapolis next week, which means they'll have a first round bye bye. I'm sorry, I had to do it, when a joke like that is sitting there you can't pass up the opportunity. Heck, I don't even think the Colts would win that game, but like I said, I couldn't help myself.

Ravens 23-10


Afternoon Games


Jacksonville @ Houston

Well Jags, I held up my end of the bargain. I acted like a total asshole all season, waiting for you to rise up and prove me wrong. You didn't. Instead you lost at home to the Redskins and cemented the fact that you won't be making the playoffs. I'm sorry I couldn't help you ... I'm sorry we couldn't help each other (I realize that they're not mathematically eliminated but c'mon, Trent Edwards is starting). As for the Texans, what a bunch of spineless dick-lickers! (Already getting started on next year's project)

Texans 26-14


New York Giants @ Washington

The Giants went from being on the verge of 10-4 to 9-6 and most likely missing the playoffs quicker than a cross country flight. Look, you might think that analogy sounds lame but it's just true, all in all it took them about 4.5 hours, and most cross country flights are gonna take at least that long, unless you're on the Concord of course, but I'm pretty sure that thing ceased operations years ago, and even when it was up and running I think it was only used for transatlantic flights. Hopefully this has put the Giants collapse into proper context for you.

Redskins 27-24


Dallas @ Philadelphia

The Eagles locked themselves into the 3 seed with their loss last week, meaning that if they win next week they'll be playing at Chicago in round 2. I'm starting to think Vick an Co. lost on purpose because that seems like a classic round 2 road victory scenario. Maybe that's because Chicago has lost in the 2nd round the last two times they've had the 2nd seed (deuces wild anyone?), including once against the Eagles in 2001-02.

Cowboys 28-19


Arizona @ San Francisco

So he's gone. They finally put him out of his misery. Maybe it was the untimely timeouts, or maybe the sideline shouting matches with quarterbacks, or maybe the locker room de-robing, or maybe the only rudimentary understanding of how anything other than linebacking worked. Whatever the nail in the coffin was I know one thing, I'll miss you Mike Singletary, you always made it easy to root for the other team.

Cardinals 16-13


Chicago @ Green Bay

As I've already touched on, the Bears will be locked into the 2 seed at this point and have nothing to play for while the Packers need a win to get in. Packers in a squash.

Packers 41-14


Tennessee @ Indianapolis

Luckily for the Colts, Kansas City is playing earlier in the day which will afford Indy the luxury of being able to sit all their players if KC gets a win. And we all know there's nothing the Colts love more than sitting all their players. Oh wait, I forgot about the Jags, which was, not surprisingly, very easy to do.

Colts 28-18


San Diego @ Denver

For once the Chargers' slow start has come back to bite them, and it will probably cost Norv Turner his job. To quote BASEketball: It looks like time finally ran out on the old cocksucker.

Chargers 27-20


Sunday Night


St. Louis @ Seattle

Finally NBC has come to their senses and flexed in the game that America really wants to see. Pete Carroll has said that Hasselbeck starting would be "against the odds," you know what else would be against the odds? A 6-9 team having a shot at the playoffs. So obviously, we can throw odds out the window here, just don't ask Chuck Whitehurst to throw those odds, because he'd probably miss the window. If Whitehurst does start it might be time to finally try having Leon Washington line up 30 yards behind the line of scrimmage, throwing the ball back to him and letting him treat it like a kick return. Is that insane? Insane like a fox ... a crazy fox. Normally I might make two picks based on whether or not Hasselbeck plays, but why bother? The result's the same either way.

Seahawks 49-3