NFL Picks - Week 5

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ Indianapolis

The Seahawks looked like the computer in a game of Madden last week. Whoever was controlling the Texans had it set to Pro (or even Rookie) for about the first three quarters, then got cocky and turned it up to All-Madden. Big mistake hot shot. Needless to say that kid broke his controller at the end of the game and now his mom has hidden the Playstation for what she says will be two weeks, but I'll will be 10 days once she cracks under relentless pleading. Andrew Luck probably never played Madden growing up (nerd) so he's likely become very confused reading this; a confusion that promises to last all through Sunday with the Hawks' D out to prove a point after giving up 300+ pass yards for the first time in 13 games.

Seahawks 24-17

New Orleans @ Chicago

This is one of a number of intriguing 10am match-ups, made possible by the fact that the bye week party is taking place in Sucktown and the Vikings, Steelers, Buccaneers, and Redskins are invited. Trimming the fat has left us with some top notch games, which is exactly what we have here. The Saints' offense appears to have become fully operational after their blowout win over Miami; while the Bears looked like who we thought they were in a turnover-riddled performance against Detroit. I expect Drew Brees to stay hot, or at least warm enough, while facing a Bears D that has shown that it's more than willing to give up yards in bunches.

Saints 30-23

New England @ Cincinnati

It's become clear that the Bengals are a much worse team away from home. That's pathetic. I have no respect or sympathy for teams who can't perform at the same level no matter the circumstances. But the good news for Cincy is that they are at home this week. The bad news is that Tom Brady is coming to town, and beside the fact that he's going to plow all the chicks in the area, he's also bringing a four game winning streak with him. Although the Bengals have shown that they can rise to the occasion on occasion. I expect them to do just that and hand the Pats their first loss.

Bengals 27-24

Detroit @ Green Bay

Coming off a bye week at 1-2, the Packers promise to be desperate for a win. At least that's what they promised me, and they better not go back on that, because when someone promises me something and doesn't follow through, I do NOT forget about it. Expect a lot of points, not just on the scoreboard but also tons of solid observations by the announce team.

Packers 35-27

Kansas City @ Tennessee

When the season started this didn't figure to be a game featuring teams with a combined 7-1 record. But, of course, when you figure you make a fig out of u and re ... hmm, that's a stupid saying. The Chiefs have already doubled their win total from last year behind a defense that's allowed just over 10 points per game. Meanwhile, the Titans are 3-1 as the result of ... well, I'm not really sure how they're 3-1, but they are, so let's all just agree to deal with it. However, with Jake Locker being gone for at least a month it's now up to Ryan Fitzpatrick to helm the ship. They say if the shoe fits, wear it. Well, if your quarterback is Fitz, you're gonna wear it.

Chiefs 20-13

Jacksonville @ St. Louis

I'm going to be out of LA this Sunday, but I think I'm going to stop by the Shack on Saturday morning, dial this game's channel up on the Corner Screen, and then place a parental lock on the box so that I'm 100% sure this one gets cornered; because if any contest in this short season has deserved it, this is the one.

Rams 31-17

Baltimore @ Miami

The Ravens learned the hard way last week that you don't just waltz into Ralph Wilson Stadium and leave with a win. Unless you try, that is, which it really didn't seem like Baltimore was doing. FlacMan let down a nation with his 5 interception performance. I'm not sure I can trust him right now, and that hurts. Damn you FlacMan, damn you for making me believe in you.

Dolphins 24-21

Philadelphia @ New York

The prophecy has come true: Chip Kelly has revolutionized the way I think about the NFL. You see, I used to think that a team that leads the league in rushing would also dominate the time of possession and therefore limit the opposition's points. But Chip and the Eagles have proven that that doesn't have to be true, by surrendering a liberal 34.5 points per game. Bravo coach Kelly for not conforming to our rigid expectations.

Giants 31-29

Sunday Afternoon

Carolina @ Arizona

It was just about 25 months ago that Cam Newton burst onto the scene at Arizona with 422 yards passing in his first game as a pro. This season he has 577 yards in his first three games combined. It's safe to say he peaked way too early. And in this game he's going to get picked way too early. And that, my friends, is what they call a mastery of the English language. If I had to guess, the reason for Newton's steady decline is that that kid from the Play 60 commercial is still in his head.

Cardinals 17-14

Denver @ Dallas

We all know Peyton Manning is putting up numbers at a record pace through the first quarter of the season, but now he has to travel to AT&T Stadium where the Cowboys are 19-15 all-time. Peyton's going to have a tough time continuing his hot start against a team who wins at their home stadium more than they lose ... barely. When all is said and done though, I'm betting that 15 moves to 16.

Broncos 41-31

Sunday Night

Houston @ San Francisco

Poor Matt Schaub. It's not his fault that he keeps throwing costly interceptions. I blame the coaches for putting him in those situations, and his own instincts for forcing him to make ill-advised throws. Given the time to actually sit back and assess the throws I'm guessing he'd be the first to tell you that they probably weren't very wise. But alas, that's rarely how football works. I'm guessing he'll have to rely on his instincts at some point again this Sunday, which probably won't turn out very well.

49ers 23-16

San Diego @ Oakland

Oakland always has to one up San Francisco. If the Niners are playing on Sunday night, then the Raiders have to play even later. Look Oakland, you're widely regarded as the superior city in the Bay Area, why do you have to rub it in every chance you get? Just for that I'm picking San Diego; not as a better city, of course, just to win this game.

Chargers 28-24

Monday Night

New York Jets @ Atlanta

The Jets have a better record than the Falcons, which goes to show that picking the outcome of games is futile. As is trying to guess the outcome of one's life. Just let it happen people. Of course, I should be the first to heed this advice, which is why I will no longer be predicting games on a weekly basis.

Just kidding. Put down the gun, or the knife, or the knife/gun (bayonet).

Falcons 27-14

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