NFL Picks - Week 7

Sunday Morning

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta

When I wrote that the Falcons would be desperate for a win back in Week 4 I had no idea just how desperate things would get. They're one more loss away from going to a prostitute and just paying for a W. I mean, they need a win bad. If only there were a team in the NFL that had the guy who made the "Aicha" video as their starting quarterback. Wait a minute ... that team exists! And they're coming to town! Atlanta will surely get back on the right track this week. But they should probably keep in touch with that prostitute just in case.

Falcons 28-13

Cincinnati @ Detroit

I hesitantly picked the Bengals to win on the road last week for the sole reason that they were going against Thad Lewis. And wouldn't ya know it, they almost went ahead and lost anyway, making Thad look thenthational in the protheth. The Lions went on the road and beat the Browns 31-17 last week, the same team that Cincy lost to 17-6 two weeks earlier meaning I have no choice but to pick against the Bengals here. It's just math guys. I didn't do this to you Cincinnati, you did this to you.

Lions 24-20

Buffalo @ Miami

I'd like to publicly apologize to Thad Lewis for my disparaging remarks last week. The guy is clearly a competitor. And the good news is that now the Bills have signed Matt Flynn to be his back-up, meaning that his job is totally secure. Until EJ Manuel comes back, that is. But that won't be this week, and while Thad may give another valiant effort it most likely won't be enough to take out the Dolphins in their hornet's nest of a home stadium. I refer to it as that because much of the upper deck has been so bereft of human contact that it is now rife with hornet's nests. We're talking a Grade 3 infestation.

Dolphins 26-16 

New England @ New York Jets

Tom Brady orchestrated a heart-stopping drive in the final minute to beat the Saints last week. Forget TNT, this guy knows drama. Seriously though, forget about TNT. We all know it's gone down hill ever since Nitro got cancelled. And I mean, if you own your own copy of Shawshank Redemption what's the point? Unless they agree to produce (or at least consider) my script for the crossover mini-series Rizzoli & Franklin & Isles & Bash I really have no interest in supporting that network. The Jets suffered a big letdown last week in giving Pittsburgh their first win, I don't expect things to improve against New England.

Patriots 31-17 

Dallas @ Philadelphia

It's a heavyweight battle for 1st place in the NFC East. And these heavyweights each happen to be 3-3! The Cowboys are 0-2 on the road while the Eagles are 0-2 at home, so something's gotta give! The bottom line is that at the end of the day one of these teams will have an inside track to capture their division title.

Cowboys 41-35

Chicago @ Washington

If you watched the Bears game closely last week you may have seen Jay Cutler smiling on the field. At first I was bewildered, but then I realized that he was probably thinking about the extra days off he'd get before he had to play another football game. Must've been so stoked. Unfortunately for Jay his Fall break is over and now he has to wake up early and go to work. Bummer. I have a strange feeling that Chicago will come out flat, allowing the Skins to get an early lead and hang on for the win. Why? Because sometimes things don't make sense. Like Jay Cutler smiling, or him taking on a second job as a high-priced LA realtor.

Redskins 28-25

St. Louis @ Carolina

Both of these teams exploded for 25 point road wins in Week 6. Where did that come from? How 'bout from yer butt? Ever consider that dorko? Haha, sorry pal, you've been busted. Anyhow, the Panthers have a very solid defense, and while I'm not sure playing at home is too much of an advantage, it's probably not a disadvantage.

Panthers 17-10 

San Diego @ Jacksonville

While I picked the Chargers to upset the Colts last week I didn't think they'd do it the way they did, with a powerful running game and an impressive defensive performance. Philip Rivers didn't have to do it all himself, and he was clearly thrilled that he could count on his teammates. Oh boy. What a sad display that was. Why was he all alone? Does it reveal something about the team chemistry in San Diego that their starting quarterback would be sitting by himself on the bench at the end of a big win? It's quite possible. Does this potential lack of chemistry mean that they'll lose to the Jags? Not quite as possible.

Chargers 31-21

Sunday Afternoon

San Francisco @ Tennessee

The Titans really like to hang around when they have no business doing so, like nerds at a babefest. You gotta hand it to these lame-os, they're mildly persistent. I mean, they'll probably just go away if you ask nicely, but if you don't say anything or don't even notice that they're there they could eventually present a problem. I expect that Tennessee will be asked to leave sometime around the start of the 4th quarter this week.

49ers 27-17

Cleveland @ Green Bay

Brandon Weeden threw a pivotal interception last week when he tried to pitch the ball diagonally up field about 15 yards. To complete that pass would have required an awfully powerful shovel. Who does this guy think he is? The Browns' improbable playoff run has hit a major speed bump with a murderous four game stretch starting this week. And with Weeden at the driver's seat they might not have enough gas to get over it. To be fair though, it's one of those really thin, steep speed bumps that are a total pain in the ass. It's like, are they trying to blow out my tires?

Packers 26-12

Houston @ Kansas City

Outrage ensued after a number of Texans fans cheered an injured Matt Schaub while he laid on the Reliant Stadium turf last week. But to be fair, up until that point Schaub probably wasn't aware that the fans were upset with his poor play, now there's no doubting that he knows exactly how they feel. So kudos to the Houston fans, you got your point across very clearly to that pussy. Thumbs up!

Chiefs 20-16

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh

This once classic rivalry has fallen on hard times. These teams come into this match-up with a combined 4-7 record and only 3 Super Bowl titles in the last 8 years between them. Pretty pathetic you two. If anybody chooses to actually watch this game they'll probably see a competitive contest in which the Ravens win late. But again, who cares at this point? TNT is airing Total Recall at the same time, I suggest you watch that instead. Wait a minute, forget I said that!

Ravens 24-22

Sunday Night

Denver @ Indianapolis

Colts owner Jim Irsay provided a bizarre sound bite this week in which he made a veiled attack on Peyton Manning, pretty much saying that he put up "Star Wars numbers," but didn't win enough in the playoffs. Um, what? I don't have a problem with the criticism, just the phrase, "Star Wars numbers." What is that supposed to mean? There are numbers mentioned at times during the Star Wars movies, is that what he's talking about? Or maybe the episode numbers themselves, but those only go up to 6, so that wouldn't make much sense. Someone needs to hold Mr. Irsay accountable for his words and if he won't offer an explanation he should be sternly chastised for being confusing. Enter Manning, exactly the type of QB that can provide such a whooping. I expect Peyton to have another big day, putting up Back to the Future numbers in the process. At the same time, I believe that Andrew Luck will take advantage of the woeful Denver pass D on the way to some impressive stats of his own. I mean, I don't necessarily want to say Jurassic Park numbers, but certainly close. And with that in mind I'm picking Indy to hand Denver their first loss.

Colts 34-31 

Monday Night

Minnesota @ New York Giants

43 years ago a man named Roone Arledge had a funny notion: football games on Mondays. While many scoffed at the seemingly crazy idea, ABC took a chance, and in 1970 they launched Monday Night Football to rave reviews. After decades of success in which the weekly game became widely regarded as the best production in sports we now know that it was all a mistake, because of this game.

Giants 27-20