NFL Picks - Week 9

Sunday Morning

Kansas City @ Buffalo

Upset alert! This isn't a drill folks, please proceed to take appropriate action. Hopefully you have an upset kit ready at all times for just such situations. If not, here's a list of things I have in mine that could help you get one assembled: rubber-soled shoes, booze, non-perishable canned goods, party poppers, a flashlight, and one of these hats. That's right, I'm calling it, Thad Lewis and the Buffalo Bills will hand the Chiefs their first loss of the year. Wait a minute, Thad Lewis isn't playing? Alright, call off the alert. Still though, you should make sure you have an upset kit prepped.

Chiefs 16-9

Minnesota @ Dallas

The quarterback battle wages on in Minnesota. Who will come out on top in this epic contest between Christian Ponder and Josh Freeman? The nation looks on with one singular thought: "We don't give a shit." Meanwhile, the Cowboys are reeling following a catastrophic loss in Detroit. Of course, if you go to Detroit and don't expect a catastrophe then that's probably your fault. Look for Dallas to rebound in a big way, Michael Cage style.

Cowboys 38-17

Tennessee @ St. Louis

Ram Rule #7: Go away, we're watching baseball. Luckily for the people of St. Louis they will have no scheduling conflicts this Sunday. Does that mean the stadium will be full? Probably not. But it could be three-quarters full, and that's what I like to call progress. If Kellen Clemens can give the Rams merely efficient play they should have a chance, but that may be asking too much.

Titans 17-12

New Orleans @ New York Jets

The Jets have been wildly inconsistent this season. Wet and wildly? No. That's gross. Grow up. New York has put up over 26 points per game in their four wins and only 9.5 points per game in their four losses. So which team will show up this Sunday? Well they've alternated wins and losses so far, which means that after their blowout defeat last week the Jets should feasibly get the win. But they won't, because that pattern doesn't mean anything.

Saints 27-20

San Diego @ Washington

The Redskins put together three quality quarters last week against the Broncos. But you know what they say, three quarters only count in certain laundry machines. If you ask me though that saying is a bit antiquated, I mean, where can you find a laundromat or an apartment building that only charges 75 cents for a load? Not at my place, I'll tell ya that much. It's like, $1.50 for a wash? Who do I look like, F. Scott Fitzgerald? (He was rich, right?). Look, the point is that three quarters just doesn't cut it in the National Football League.

Chargers 31-26

Atlanta @ Carolina

After another loss last week dropped them to 2-5, the Atlanta Falcons are now in
more danger than the Perregrin Falcon was in the mid 20th century before a ban on DDTs and other pesticides and an increased captive breeding effort contributed to a rebound in their population. As for the Panthers, they've recently been displaying an increased captive beating effort. I expect their success to continue.

Panthers 30-23

Sunday Afternoon

Tampa Bay @ Seattle

If the Hawks' win on Monday taught us anything it's that playing offensive line is super hard. The lack of protection eventually made me wonder if it was actually malicious on the linemen's part. But willfully allowing your quarterback to be sacked wouldn't make sense unless this was your quarterback.

Seahawks 27-3

Philadelphia @ Oakland

What has happened to the Eagles' offense? They've scored a total of 10 points over the last two weeks. Fortunately for them they get to go back on the road after their 10th straight home loss. Philly's lost more at home than I used to with my ex-wife. Also a boost to the Eagles' chances will be the simple fact that they don't have to start Matt Barkley this week. That alone is reason enough for me to pick them to beat a Raiders team that has shown that they can both win and lose games. The only thing left for them to prove is that they're capable of tying; but I just don't see it happening this week.

Eagles 24-21

Baltimore @ Cleveland

Baltimore's last four games have been decided by 3 points or less, so clearly they like to stay close with teams. Which makes sense with all of the players they lost in the offseason. It's an obvious case of abandonment issues. The Ravens now fear that everybody will leave them, and if they let a team get too far away they'll never get them back. It's a flawed strategy that's led to a 1-3 record over the last month, but until they learn to trust again the tight games promise to continue.

Ravens 19-17

Pittsburgh @ New England

Tom Brady is off his game. And not just on the field either, from what I've heard he's only slept with one woman all season. Home boy's what we call double-slumping. I haven't seen it this bad since Bret Boone's '05 season when he only hit 7 HRs and had to start hooking up with dudes. The good news for Brady is that the Patriots are 6-2 anyway. The even better news is that Ben Roethlisberger thinks he's the best QB in the league, and if there's one man's judgment that you can always trust it's Ben Roethlisberger's.

Patriots 26-19

Sunday Night

Indianapolis @ Houston

Both of these teams had byes last week, which should leave them well-rested for this contest. Hopefully they didn't rest too long though, like one of those naps where you wake up more tired than when you started. I mean, what's the deal with that? Those shouldn't be called naps, they should be called nopes (and in case you're wondering, yes I did write that last gag while spot-lit in front of a brick wall wearing a sports coat, jeans, and sneakers). Case Keenum is getting the start again for the Texans, and one could make the case that in this case, Case gives Houston a legit chance to win. However, I think the Colts will be just too good. Case closed.

Colts 24-16

Monday Night

Chicago @ Green Bay

This one has all the makings of a squash match. No not a squash match, a squash match. Hopefully that clears that up.

Packers 38-14

No comments: