Sunday Morning
Green Bay @ Chicago
On Sunday another chapter in this classic rivalry will be penned. And the two authors will be ... Brett Hundley and Mitchell Trubisky? Did anybody clear this with the publisher? Hopefully they’ll throw in a bunch of pictures or something because otherwise this could be a boring read. The Bears are 2-2 at home this season with each of those games being played against teams that are .500 or above. Technically the Packers fit that bill, but they haven’t won a game since Aaron Rodgers went down with a broken collar bone. And unless this one has a twist ending, I’d expect that trend to continue.
Bears 19-13
Cleveland @ Detroit
This is a huge game for Browns coach Hue Jackson, because with a victory he could double the amount of wins he’s had with Cleveland. Of course, he’s had that same opportunity ever since he won his first game with the Browns last December. What I'm trying to say is Hue Jackson has only one win as their head coach. He’s 1-23. Is this 100% his fault? Yes. So there ya go, problem identified and, with a simple firing, problem solved. The Cleveland brass has to act now though while they still have a shot to run the table and make the playoffs! Just kidding, the Browns were mathematically eliminated from the postseason in August.
Lions 28-18
Pittsburgh @ Indianapolis
The Colts won last week to improve to 3-6 on the season. Their three wins have come over the winless 49ers, the winless Browns, and the Tom Savage Texans. Not impressive, but when you consider that they’re starting Jacoby Brissett at quarterback you could maybe cut them some slack. Of course, they’ll need more than slack to beat the Steelers this Sunday. They’ll need smack, thwack, and crack. Just to be clear, those are drugs not onomatopoeias. You’re probably wondering what “thwack” is ... don’t ask ... because I don’t have the answer. All I know is that it can make you feel invincible to zone coverage. It’s unclear if the Colts have any of those narcotics in their possession though, so I'll pick Pittsburgh.
Steelers 31-14
Los Angeles Chargers @ Jacksonville
Four weeks ago the Los Angeles Rams traveled to Jacksonville to play the Jags, and now their fellow townsfolk the Chargers will do the same. What I wanted to know was if there’s any LA superfan who planned a month-long family vacation to northern Florida around these two football games? Well I looked into it, and the answer is yes, his name is Dale Snidley and he took his family of five to Jacksonville on October 13th prior to the aforementioned Rams/Jags game. Dale Snidley is now divorced. His wife took the kids back to California five days after arriving in Florida. He could’ve (and definitely should’ve) followed them, but Dale Snidley was determined to see this game in person. Also, he paid in full up front on that condo rental. So was it all worth it? Ask him after the game.
Jaguars 24-17
New Orleans @ Buffalo
Interesting match-up here. Not that all match-ups aren’t interesting, each one has something to offer and is special in their own right. That being said, we’re not dealing with Jets/Bucs here, this one has real intrigue. The Saints have won six in a row since starting the season 0-2, while the Bills are one of only two teams that are undefeated at home. So whose streak ends on Sunday? Whoever does their laundry that day. I'd like to apologize to the readers for my crude joke about underwear streaks just now. I'd take it back if I could, but as you know by now, I don’t. Delete. Anything! That’s my policy, and yes, it’s a stupid one. Buffalo looked lousy last Thursday, but they’re a different team at home (not literally ... I think), and I believe their Ralph Wilson mojo continues. Upon further review it turns out the name of the Bills stadium is now New Era Field, and has been since 2015. I’m strongly considering changing my pick because of this, but I’ll stick with my gut.
Bills 23-20
New York Jets @ Tampa Bay
Hey what’s wrong Jets/Bucs? Oh you read what I said in the last game’s write-up? Hey, I was just joking! Your game has plenty of intrigue! There’s Ryan Fitzpatrick playing against his former team, and um, Josh McCown playing against his former team. Or what about Austin Seferian-Jenkins ... playing against his former team? Alright, so maybe I’m grasping at straws here. But hey, the Jets have a chance to get to 5-5 with a win, so there’s that. Chin up Jets/Bucs, at least you’re not Giants/Niners, right?!? Ha, I mean that game is truly pathetic. Bunch of losers! Haha. So we’re cool, right Jets/Bucs? Good, because I don’t want to spend any more time thinking about you. JK!
Buccaneers 17-16
Minnesota @ Washington
15 months after suffering a devastating knee injury Vikings quarterback Teddy Bridgewater has been reactivated, and will serve as the back-up to Case Keenum. Consequently, Sam Bradford has returned back to the protective womb of the IR. In an ironic twist, this time it’s because of a healthy knee, albeit somebody else's. This is the fourth time Bradford has been placed on injured reserve in this, his eighth season. It’s a biennial tradition akin to the Ryder Cup, and not merely because of the timing, both of them remind me that I hate Colin Montgomerie. Minnesota has only played two real road games this season, one was a 26-9 loss at Pittsburgh while the other was a 20-17 win at Chicago. That’s about as impressive as Colin Montgomerie’s performance in majors. With that in mind I’ll give a slight edge to Washington.
Redskins 13-10
Cincinnati @ Tennessee
A.J. Green has become so frustrated with the Bengals season that he’s just choking people and throwing punches at heads that have helmets covering them. And I don’t think he’s done yet. Don’t be surprised to see Green attempt to put Logan Ryan in an armbar on the first play from scrimmage Sunday. And if that results in another ejection for the star receiver then great; playing in the Bengals’ offense is boring as hell.
Titans 34-14
Sunday Afternoon
Houston @ Los Angeles Rams
Last Sunday Tom Savage returned to the role of Texans starting quarterback after graciously allowing rookie Deshaun Watson to have the job for six weeks so that the young guy could get some experience. But now Savage is back in the saddle and ready to ride! His first foray back on the trail was a bit bumpy as he completed only 19 of 44 and couldn’t get the ball in the end zone on Houston’s final drive resulting in a 20-14 loss to the lowly Colts. But now that he’s got the lay of the land and reacquainted himself with the speed of the game, look out defenses! No seriously, be on the lookout, you might have an errant pass headed your way.
Rams 38-20
Dallas @ Atlanta
Ezekiel Elliott won't actually be suspended. You imagined that. All of those articles you read monitoring the daily goings on involving appeals and delays, they were all merely an illusion. As for that time you thought you were dreaming when you kissed your brother, well that was real, and you’re going to have a very uncomfortable Thanksgiving. Speaking of sibling smooches, they say a tie is like kissing your sister, and that’s probably how Atlanta feels at the halfway point. They’re 4-4 having scored 170 points and given up 172. Their whole season has basically been one big tie so far. Big ties make for terrible fashion choices and frustrated fanbases. So it would behoove the Falcons to break their tie in a positive fashion on Sunday.
Falcons 24-20
New York Giants @ San Francisco
Alright, let’s dig into ... Oh what? You’re pissed because I made fun of you to Jets/Bucs? Well guess what, your game does suck. You’re a combined 1-16. That’s a .059 winning percentage, the worst any game will have this season. You’re pathetic Giants/Niners! Six years ago you were the NFC title game, and look at you now. (Don’t worry guys, I’m just going hard on them so that they’ll take a look in the mirror and start down a road to self-improvement. I’m doing this for their own good.) Alright, where was I, oh yeah, you’re all sorry excuses for football players, and humans in general. I talked to your families and they’re all ashamed of you. (This is really going to inspire them!) You guys probably think I’m going hard on you to inspire you or some BS like that. Nah, that ain’t the case. You legitimately disgust me and you should all quit football. (Again, don’t worry guys, this is all for their own good! I just didn’t want to make it too obvious.) You SUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK! (They’ll thank me later)
49ers 20-17
Sunday Night
New England @ Denver
The well-rested Patriots travel to Denver to take on the oft-bested Broncos in a non-pivotal AFC clash. Let’s see what Sunday Night Football analyst Cris Collinsworth has to say about it:
Whoa ... Probably best if we just move on.
Patriots 28-16
Monday Night
Miami @ Carolina
This is the third straight prime time game for the Dolphins, and I have to imagine that the networks are not thrilled. In fact, rumor has it that ESPN was planning on airing old episodes of The Chair in this game’s place until the NFL forced their hand. I don’t blame ESPN though, who in the world is going to watch this game outside of these teams’ fans? Fantasy owners and that’s it. I mean, are you going to watch it? If you’re honesty going to watch this game send me an e-mail and explain yourself. And if you really are, doooo you wanna watch together? Nah, forget it. Yeah it was a stupid idea. Heh, pretty funny when I said that thing about watching the game together, right? I mean I was TOTALLY serious because I’m SOOOO lonely LOL ... Sigh.
Panthers 24-15
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