NFL Picks Week3

So last week turned out a bit rough, I went 6-9. Look, I'd love to say I did it on purpose for comedy's sake, but I don't want to lie to you guys. Luckily for all of you, there's no head coach who can pull me after a bad week, unlike the guy in our first game.

Sunday Morning


Tennessee @ New York Giants

VY getting benched was clearly just a ploy by the NFL to set-up the ratings bonanza that will be the Kerry Collins Bowl. This is also a match-up of Titans and Giants, so needless to say, this is a BIG game. (Pause for laughter .......... nothing? Well then you better stop reading now.)

Giants 21-20


Pittsburgh @ Tampa Bay

I don't like either of these offenses, however, they say that the best defense is a good offense. Well, since both offenses are bad that would mean that neither defense is very good. Hmmm seems like I'm at a crossroads here. When in a bind, I go with the team that cheats to win.

Steelers 17-9


Cincinnati @ Carolina

Clausen Alert! Word on the street is that Jimmy's getting his first start. Also, I've been told that that's what he would say when he showed up to parties at ND. I don't like either of these teams, but I really don't like Jimmy Clausen.

Bengals 21-12


Cleveland @ Baltimore

New Browns vs. Old Browns, sounds like a fight in the pit of an outhouse. POOP JOKE! Here's my Wacky Pick of the Week: The two teams agree to combine into one, Little Giants style. The Ravens organization is dissolved, and everybody seems pretty cool with it afterward, even the people in Baltimore, it's weird I know.

Ravens 20-6


Dallas @ Houston

Anybody aware that this game is known as The Governor's Cup. Who cares? I'll tell ya someone who does ... Rick Perry, the Governor of Texas. You wanna cross Rick Perry? Well if you do, you better look behind you .... cause that's where the Ranger's gonna be. Anyway, Dallas is desperate, they have to win right?

Cowboys 28-27


San Francisco @ Kansas City

This is another Sleeper Game. KC has a chance to get to 3-0, meanwhile San Francisco's Offensive coordinator apparently falls asleep when he's supposed to be calling plays.

Chiefs 20-17


Detroit @ Minnesota

I would actually really like Favre if he retired right now. I would totally flip my opinion on him if he was just like "Nuts to this man, I can find some other place to slap butts." Eventually the Vikes have to top 10 points, and I think they'll do it here.

Vikings 21-14


Buffalo @ New England

A lot of people are saying the Bills are the worst team in the league, and that might be true. My advice? Just say screw it, cut all your players and fill the roster with people named Bill. It would be the most literal team nickname in the NFL since 1923 when Chicago fielded a squad full of Kodiak bears. Fun fact, they're starting QB had a higher career rating than Kyle Boller.

Patriots 35-13


Atlanta @ New Orleans

Turns out I forgot to pick the Atlanta/Arizona game last week. What does that tell you? The Falcons are sneaky. Sneaky enough to beat the Saints at home? Yes!

Falcons 28-25


Sunday Afternoon


Washington @ St. Louis

The Rams have hung tough in both of their losses, however, those games were against the Cardinals and the Raiders. That's like saying you came pretty close to acing that 2nd grade spelling quiz (which is apparently the equivalent of having a 138 IQ, because Foy's done both).

Redskins 24-17


Philadelphia @ Jacksonville

Maurice Jones-Drew is a supposed Fantasy expert, but he's having a horrible fantasy start to the season. I seem to remember him telling anybody who would listen to take him first in their draft. Is it possible that he didn't get himself in his league and he actually cares MORE about fantasy than reality so he's tanking his season? I say yes. With his continued lack of production the Eagles will surely win.

Eagles 31-21


Oakland @ Arizona

Here they are, the aforementioned Ram beaters. This is kind of like hooking up with an ugly and/or slutty girl and then being at a party where another guy whose hooked up with that girl shows up. There's a certain level of understanding between the two. You might nod, or give each other a sheepish grin. Neither one is proud of what they've done, but if they didn't do it somebody else would have, it's just the way the schedule broke.

Cardinals 22-13


San Diego @ Seattle

Maybe I'm overreacting, but I got furious when the Hawks made the score 31-13 with a TD and Carroll didn't go for 2. I have no idea why he wouldn't do it. If you get it, it's a two possession game, and if you miss it, you're down 18 instead of 17, which is basically no difference at that point. Is it the reason we lost the game? Yes. Cut and dry. Anyway, I guess we'll have to settle for 15-1.

Seahawks 21-18


Indianapolis @ Denver

The Broncos seem unbeatable at home, so this will be a real test for Indy.

Colts 28-20


Sunday Night


New York Jets @ Miami

The Dolphins have started out 2-0 on the road, and now it's back to SunShark Stadium ... No? That's not it? LandLife? ProMan? The point is, how can their fans have an identity, if their stadium is a schizophrenic? I'm not sure being home is much of an advantage. Although, it is when the other team's QB is Mark Sanchez. I don't care that he played well last week. As I've already pointed out, even a Kodiak bear can throw a TD every now and then.

Dolphins 19-16


Monday Night


Green Bay @ Chicago

Every year Monday Night Football rams a Packers-Bears match-up down our throat. Luckily for them, it's actually relevant this year. In fact, it's Week 3's only meeting of undefeated teams (besides PIT/TB, but c'mon, TB doesn't count.) Cutler's due for a 3 pick game, and what better time to do it than a home Monday night game.

Packers 27-14