9.17.2010

NFL Picks Week 2

Last week I missed the Jacksonville/Denver game by one point, so it's clear that I'm back. (Read more!) Just kidding, I didn't even try to use the 'read more.' Sorry Bateman, I've buried your post much in the same way the Hawks buried the Niners .... aaaaaand we're off!


Sunday Morning


Philadelphia @ Detroit

Did everyone see Michael Vick in action last week? He looked awesome, and just as fast as ever. He really shook off that prison rust. It seems like he really could have used a football halfway house, a team that is sort of like pro football that could have helped him assimilate back into society. Maybe he should have played last year with the Niners. As for Detroit, I think they're going to have trouble considering Calvin Johnson can't even catch the ball. I mean c'mon, hold on to the damn ball butterfingers!

Eagles 26-13


Baltimore @ Cincinnati

It was nice to see Housh getting way too excited about drawing a questionable pass interference on Monday. Way to go Teej, you really know how to work those refs for the cheapies, you're such a bad ass. I'm glad he reminded me why I hated having him on the Hawks. That being said, I'm scared of the Ravens D. Like legitimately frightened. I think it's because they're all on 'roids. You heard it here first! Can't wait to see Schefter ape that story from me too.

Ravens 20-10


Kansas City @ Cleveland

I was watching an ESPN show called Hey Rookie Welcome to the NFL, (I think that was the title, whatever it was seemed like their fallback in case they couldn't come up with anything better.) on the show it was revealed that Colt McCoy didn't know what division OR conference the Browns were in! If you ask me that's just as bad as Antonio Cromartie struggling to name all 7 of his children on Hard Knocks. The irony of it all is that Cromartie's 2 year old is actually named AFC North.

Browns 16-13


Chicago @ Dallas

If I had to watch a fight to the death between Romo and Cutler I would root for the Rancor. (I'm assuming, of course, that the fight is taking place in a Rancor's pit.) If for no other reason than that I don't want to have to see the Rancor Keeper cry again. To sum up my analysis, I think the Cowboys bounce back at home.

Cowboys 24-14


Buffalo @ Green Bay

As my Wacky Pick of the Week I say that both of these cold weather teams agree to have snow trucked in to Lambeau on Sunday. Eventually things will break down into an all out snowball fight which will prompt Brett Favre to request an immediate trade back to the Packers so he can "Get in on that shit."

Packers 41-14


Pittsburgh @ Tennessee

The Steelers managed to survive week 1 without Roethlisberger, which is more than I can say for multiple bars in Milledgeville, Georgia. But I'm not sure they can get by a Titans team that looked tight last week ..... hella tight.

Titans 19-13


Miami @ Minnesota

I'd like to see Henne and Favre in an Odd Couple style sitcom. One's a game manager, the other's a gunslinger. It could be called The Game Manager & The Old Deuche. I think Miami can hang tough, but no one hangs tougher than an old deuche ... nope that double entendre didn't work.

Vikings 24-20


Tampa Bay @ Carolina

This game will sell out, because it's a home opener, but if Tampa keeps up their Stinger pace I'm going to start calling them the Scorpions. Looking at their schedule, I'm guessing they could be involved in as many as 7 Stingers before the season is done. Oh, and they'll probably lose this game.

Panthers 21-14


Sunday Afternoon


St. Louis @ Oakland

This game seems like it would inspire the kind of sheer horror that would result in viewers having a "Space Madness" stare like at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey, or like these guys. Also, this game should make people in LA glad that they no longer have either of these teams.

Raiders 24-22


New England @ New York Jets

Rex what happened to your offense? Oh that's right they were always shitty. Dustin Keller was just putting everyone out of their misery by stepping out short on that 4th & 10. He was like a guy that goes to visit you in the hospital for a broken leg and tries to smother you with your pillow like he's an angel of mercy, not that that's ever happened. I think the Jets will continue to stink ... which reminds me of the time I farted on a plane (who am I kidding, that happens every time).

Patriots 17-10


Jacksonville @ San Diego

Believe it or not, there are rumors of this game being a Stinger. Maybe it's because Chargers fans don't like watching their starting quarterback chew out his whole team every time he effs up. Good to have you back A-hole Phil! I still think the Chargers win.

Chargers 28-18


Houston @ Washington

First the Redskins took out the Cowboys, now they're going after the Texans. Don't you see what's happening!? They're taking their vengeance on the white man! I'll go on record and predict that they beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl.

Redskins 17-16


Seattle @ Denver

I guess I was wrong last week when I said that winning all their games wouldn't be easy for the Hawks. Super Bowl here we come! And the good news is that we won't have to deal with the Redskins' wrath; surely they would never hurt their brother the hawk.

Seahawks 24-17


Sunday Night


New York Giants @ Indianapolis

Wouldn't it be cool if the Mannings switched jerseys before the game to try and fool everyone, except it totally didn't work because Peyton's taller and much better at being a quarterback. Since there's only about a 25% chance that they'll do that I'll go with the Colts.

Colts 31-20


Monday Night


New Orleans @ San Francisco

For all we hear about Singletary being very disciplined and running a tight ship, his clock management sure is sloppy as hell. Blown time outs, delay of games. Singletary got a rep because he talked a big game, he just doesn't back it up, or at least his team doesn't. What does this mean about Coach Mike? Cannot play for him. Cannot win with him. Can't do it.

Saints 27-13

6 comments:

Bobby said...

MacGrubers Picks (warning, spoiler alert... and quotes were off top of head so probably butchered in many places)

Arizona 17 at Atlanta 28

Classic MacGruber


Baltimore 18 at Cincinnati 19

And theres no room in the trunk because I hand packed 24 tons of C4.... nononononoononononononono.... guys..... guys...... one of yous got to be okay, right?


Kansas City 20 Cleveland 6

The only record Im gonna break is the dick in your mouth record


Chicago 0 at Dallas 24

Aww how sad, dead at the age of "who the fuck cares"


Philadelphia 34 at Detroit 20

I do


Buffalo 10 at Green Bay 30

Oh Im sorry, its just that I always get arroused when a beautiful lady uses a pair of pliars so close to my balls


Pittsburgh 16 at Tennessee 40

Now heres the key part, lift up the cup next to your lips, and tilt the liqui......


Miami 24 at Minnesota 21

-So why'd he do it?
-I dont know. We were all best friends in college. They were dating, and a few years later were getting married. I was the best man at their wedding, and that was around the time I started fucking her. After a while I convinced her to leave him and run away with me. She was carrying his baby, so naturally I asked her to have an abortion, which she did. We were in love man, and he took that from me.
- Thats fucked up
- I know, right?


Tampa Bay 20 at Carolina 36

Im in........ Im in.


Seattle 17 at Denver 10

Well my life is just as at stake so technically you did this for me to, and for that I thank you.


St. Louis 20 at Oakland 23 (OT)

-Don't worry, it will be just like Vancouver
-I got shot in Vancouver
-It will be nothing like Vancouver


New England Patriots 28 at New York Jets 13

-Laugh all you want, but that will buy us a lot of time
-shooting noises


Jacksonville 17 at San Diego 20 (OT)

-Im gonna fill you up
-Im gonna fill you up
-What?
-Im gonna fill you up
-Just let me do the talking


Houston 31 at Washington 16

-And then were just gonna see what happens
-So were just gonna wing it?
-No, seeing what happens is a lot different than winging it.... so, lets see what happens!


New York Giants 40 at Indianapolis 49

I want you to watch that guy... that guy is teaming with intel


New Orleans 24 at San Francisco 31

-Now listen up you mother fu*@$.... damn he hung up, did you get it
-No
-IS that thing even working?
-No, you have to keep him on for 30 seconds
-That was 30 seconds
-It was maybe 3

Mr. F said...

Erik - Just fantastic stuff. Some of the funniest junk we've had. Seriously.

and Bateman - While I struggled to find the relevance... the were some fucking great MacGruber quotes. and this is an asshole of a fucking day

Fortune said...

If Bob is going to make his picks each week disguised as a movie character, Im all for it.

jimi said...

i would love to hear Ron Burgandy's take on next weeks games

Erik said...

Not so fast on letting Bateman take on the persona of his favorite characters. If he's allowed to do this we'll be seeing Mr. Woodcock quotes by Week 6.

wanamaker said...

MacGrubers Picks (warning, spoiler alert... and quotes were off top of head so probably butchered in many places)

Arizona 17 at Atlanta 28

Classic MacGruber


Baltimore 18 at Cincinnati 19

And theres no room in the trunk because I hand packed 24 tons of C4.... nononononoononononononono.... guys..... guys...... one of yous got to be okay, right?


Kansas City 20 Cleveland 6

The only record Im gonna break is the dick in your mouth record


Chicago 0 at Dallas 24

Aww how sad, dead at the age of "who the fuck cares"


Philadelphia 34 at Detroit 20

I do


Buffalo 10 at Green Bay 30

Oh Im sorry, its just that I always get arroused when a beautiful lady uses a pair of pliars so close to my balls


Pittsburgh 16 at Tennessee 40

Now heres the key part, lift up the cup next to your lips, and tilt the liqui......


Miami 24 at Minnesota 21

-So why'd he do it?
-I dont know. We were all best friends in college. They were dating, and a few years later were getting married. I was the best man at their wedding, and that was around the time I started fucking her. After a while I convinced her to leave him and run away with me. She was carrying his baby, so naturally I asked her to have an abortion, which she did. We were in love man, and he took that from me.
- Thats fucked up
- I know, right?


Tampa Bay 20 at Carolina 36

Im in........ Im in.


Seattle 17 at Denver 10

Well my life is just as at stake so technically you did this for me to, and for that I thank you.


St. Louis 20 at Oakland 23 (OT)

-Don't worry, it will be just like Vancouver
-I got shot in Vancouver
-It will be nothing like Vancouver


New England Patriots 28 at New York Jets 13

-Laugh all you want, but that will buy us a lot of time
-shooting noises


Jacksonville 17 at San Diego 20 (OT)

-Im gonna fill you up
-Im gonna fill you up
-What?
-Im gonna fill you up
-Just let me do the talking


Houston 31 at Washington 16

-And then were just gonna see what happens
-So were just gonna wing it?
-No, seeing what happens is a lot different than winging it.... so, lets see what happens!


New York Giants 40 at Indianapolis 49

I want you to watch that guy... that guy is teaming with intel


New Orleans 24 at San Francisco 31

-Now listen up you mother fu*@$.... damn he hung up, did you get it
-No
-IS that thing even working?
-No, you have to keep him on for 30 seconds
-That was 30 seconds
-It was maybe 3