Last week I missed the Jacksonville/Denver game by one point, so it's clear that I'm back. (Read more!) Just kidding, I didn't even try to use the 'read more.' Sorry Bateman, I've buried your post much in the same way the Hawks buried the Niners .... aaaaaand we're off!
Philadelphia @ Detroit
Did everyone see Michael Vick in action last week? He looked awesome, and just as fast as ever. He really shook off that prison rust. It seems like he really could have used a football halfway house, a team that is sort of like pro football that could have helped him assimilate back into society. Maybe he should have played last year with the Niners. As for Detroit, I think they're going to have trouble considering Calvin Johnson can't even catch the ball. I mean c'mon, hold on to the damn ball butterfingers!
Baltimore @ Cincinnati
It was nice to see Housh getting way too excited about drawing a questionable pass interference on Monday. Way to go Teej, you really know how to work those refs for the cheapies, you're such a bad ass. I'm glad he reminded me why I hated having him on the Hawks. That being said, I'm scared of the Ravens D. Like legitimately frightened. I think it's because they're all on 'roids. You heard it here first! Can't wait to see Schefter ape that story from me too.
Kansas City @ Cleveland
I was watching an ESPN show called Hey Rookie Welcome to the NFL, (I think that was the title, whatever it was seemed like their fallback in case they couldn't come up with anything better.) on the show it was revealed that Colt McCoy didn't know what division OR conference the Browns were in! If you ask me that's just as bad as Antonio Cromartie struggling to name all 7 of his children on Hard Knocks. The irony of it all is that Cromartie's 2 year old is actually named AFC North.
Chicago @ Dallas
If I had to watch a fight to the death between Romo and Cutler I would root for the Rancor. (I'm assuming, of course, that the fight is taking place in a Rancor's pit.) If for no other reason than that I don't want to have to see the Rancor Keeper cry again. To sum up my analysis, I think the Cowboys bounce back at home.
Buffalo @ Green Bay
As my Wacky Pick of the Week I say that both of these cold weather teams agree to have snow trucked in to Lambeau on Sunday. Eventually things will break down into an all out snowball fight which will prompt Brett Favre to request an immediate trade back to the Packers so he can "Get in on that shit."
Pittsburgh @ Tennessee
The Steelers managed to survive week 1 without Roethlisberger, which is more than I can say for multiple bars in Milledgeville, Georgia. But I'm not sure they can get by a Titans team that looked tight last week ..... hella tight.
Miami @ Minnesota
I'd like to see Henne and Favre in an Odd Couple style sitcom. One's a game manager, the other's a gunslinger. It could be called The Game Manager & The Old Deuche. I think Miami can hang tough, but no one hangs tougher than an old deuche ... nope that double entendre didn't work.
Tampa Bay @ Carolina
This game will sell out, because it's a home opener, but if Tampa keeps up their Stinger pace I'm going to start calling them the Scorpions. Looking at their schedule, I'm guessing they could be involved in as many as 7 Stingers before the season is done. Oh, and they'll probably lose this game.
St. Louis @ Oakland
This game seems like it would inspire the kind of sheer horror that would result in viewers having a "Space Madness" stare like at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey, or like these guys. Also, this game should make people in LA glad that they no longer have either of these teams.
New England @ New York Jets
Rex what happened to your offense? Oh that's right they were always shitty. Dustin Keller was just putting everyone out of their misery by stepping out short on that 4th & 10. He was like a guy that goes to visit you in the hospital for a broken leg and tries to smother you with your pillow like he's an angel of mercy, not that that's ever happened. I think the Jets will continue to stink ... which reminds me of the time I farted on a plane (who am I kidding, that happens every time).
Jacksonville @ San Diego
Believe it or not, there are rumors of this game being a Stinger. Maybe it's because Chargers fans don't like watching their starting quarterback chew out his whole team every time he effs up. Good to have you back A-hole Phil! I still think the Chargers win.
Houston @ Washington
First the Redskins took out the Cowboys, now they're going after the Texans. Don't you see what's happening!? They're taking their vengeance on the white man! I'll go on record and predict that they beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl.
Seattle @ Denver
I guess I was wrong last week when I said that winning all their games wouldn't be easy for the Hawks. Super Bowl here we come! And the good news is that we won't have to deal with the Redskins' wrath; surely they would never hurt their brother the hawk.
New York Giants @ Indianapolis
Wouldn't it be cool if the Mannings switched jerseys before the game to try and fool everyone, except it totally didn't work because Peyton's taller and much better at being a quarterback. Since there's only about a 25% chance that they'll do that I'll go with the Colts.
New Orleans @ San Francisco
For all we hear about Singletary being very disciplined and running a tight ship, his clock management sure is sloppy as hell. Blown time outs, delay of games. Singletary got a rep because he talked a big game, he just doesn't back it up, or at least his team doesn't. What does this mean about Coach Mike? Cannot play for him. Cannot win with him. Can't do it.