NFL Picks - Week 3


SEASON: 22-10


Sunday Morning


Chicago at Atlanta 

During Atlanta’s collapse against Dallas last week one of the announcers said it would be an “unimaginable loss” for Falcons fans. Look buddy, these are Falcons fans you’re talking about, no loss is unimaginable at this point. That being said, Atlanta massively blew that game, and their season seems to be in a downward spiral. But guess what, Falcons hunt in a downward spiral! Maybe. I’m not sure, but it seems reasonable enough, and works with the motif I’m going for. The Bears are 2-0 but I don't think I’m very impressed. In fact, I’d go so far as to say I’m not impressed. They have a pair of four point wins over the Lions and Giants. And sure, all they can do is beat the teams on their schedule, but if they had beat those teams by a lot more I’d be taking the Bears more seriously. Normally not taking bears seriously is dangerous, but I ain’t in the woods baby, so who gives a rip? 


Falcons 29-24

Los Angeles at Buffalo 

Ah, tale as old as time, the great city rivalry of Los Angeles and Buffalo. It’s always, who’s got the better wings? LA or Buffalo? Where are the best beaches? LA or Buffalo? Which one is the real entertainment capital of the world? None of these questions will be answered on Sunday, but as a consolation we might find out which city has the better football team. They both look like playoff squads so far, though I’m pretty sure all but like 8 teams are going to make the playoffs this season, so what does that really mean? Still this one should be entertaining, which is fitting because it’s being played in Buffalo, the entertainment capital of the world. I know, I know, don’t at me.


Rams 27-20

Washington at Cleveland 

At the end of his team’s loss to Arizona last week, Washington coach Ron Rivera chose not to use his remaining time outs while down 12 in the 4th quarter. If he had stopped the clock he would have forced the Cardinals into kicking their field goal earlier and giving Washington the ball back with much more time than the :26 left they ended up having. Sure they would’ve only had a minute or two, but it’s definitely more likely to come out of that scenario with a win than if you sit and watch the clock run out. So what gives? I’m guessing Rivera was trying to send a message to his team. And that message is ... I don’t really know what I’m doing here guys. It’s blunders like these that would make Rivera a more fitting coach for his opponent this week. Though, from what I saw last week coaching for the opponent seems to be Rivera’s specialty. 


Browns 26-21

Tennessee at Minnesota 

What is happening with these Vikings? They’re 0-2, their defense has given up the second most points in the league, and they’ve had perhaps the worst quarterback play in the NFL. Maybe a downgraded supporting cast is to blame, but Kirk Cousins has been godawful. He’ll need a complete turnaround to make the Vikings into a contender. Does he have that in him? I’m not sure, but over the next few weeks we’re going to learn a lot about Cousins. His favorite color, his dream job, who he has a crush on, like if he had to choose. We’ll also know if his future involves being a starting quarterback in the NFL. I’ve already given up on the Vikings, which of course means that they’ll win this game. But if I were to pick them to win again this week they’d no doubt lose. What a conundrum. I’ll side with the Titans because they’re like a kid who’s parents are only children, they don’t have Cousins. 


Titans 20-17

Las Vegas at New England 

In a conference call with New England reporters this week, Raiders coach Jon Gruden referred to Cam Newton as “Slam” Newton, a nickname the coach apparently bestowed upon him when they met back in 2011 before Newton was selected first overall in the draft. So basically Gruden came up with what he thought was a clever nickname, it didn’t get over, and now, nine years later he’s still trying to make it work. Just let it go Jon. People weren’t buying it then, and they aren’t now. Look, back in the 90s my dad called Charles Barkley Charles Barfley one time. The important part of that sentence is that he did it one time. We didn’t laugh so he moved on. And the thing is, Charles Barfley is better than Slam Newton. Gruden is clearly out of touch, which makes it all the more mystifying that he’s the coach who enters this game with the better record on the season. Sure, it’s a small sample size, but that win over the Saints last week was nothing to sneeze at. And really we should all be trying to minimize our public sneezing anyway. While the Raiders do look better than expected, I have to pick New England here. And I’m not doing it just because I was calling Gruden a dope. I’m not slamming Jon Gruden here. Though Cam Newton might on Sunday. Hey, Slam Newton, how about that for a nickname?


Patriots 31-20

San Francisco at New York Giants 

The Niners were physically decimated last week in MetLife Stadium. Not by the Jets, but by the turf. And now they’re back for revenge. Niners, MetLife, round 2 next on Fox! I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s how this game was promoted. I mean, it’s not like the network’s going to want to remind people that the Giants are involved, right? Especially without Saquon Barkley. Come to think of it, I have a solution to that problem that could make this game much more entertaining and provide a measure of atonement for the Niners. New York’s new starting running back? The MetLife Stadium head groundskeeper. Buckle up buddy, you’re about to get wailed on! Actually, I just looked him up and it turns out he played some ball back in high school. Whoa, I found a YouTube clip, you guys he’s got some pretty good moves. From what I’m reading he could’ve maybe got a college scholarship but he quit the team before his senior season because he got too into grass. Well, with or without the MLGK (MetLife groundskeeper) toting the ball I still expect the Giants to succumb to whatever version of the 49ers makes it to the game on Sunday. 


49ers 23-16

Cincinnati at Philadelphia 

Carson Wentz has the second lowest rating of any starting quarterback in the league. Is it possible that he’s hurt? Maybe, but I don’t know what part of his body. In other words I’m wondering from whence is Wentz’s wince? ...

... I want to apologize to my family. The Eagles will need to make a similar gesture if they lose this game. Not because the Bengals are necessarily that bad, more so that a loss would put Philly at 0-3 and on the verge of a total collapse. And if Wentz keeps playing the way he has that’s exactly where they’ll be. At that point they might as well throw in the towel, call Josh McCown, and tell him to get his ass to Philly cuz he’s got games to lose. 


Eagles 30-23

Houston at Pittsburgh 

These poor Texans. They have the worst point differential in the league, but is it their fault? They had to play the Chiefs and Ravens in the first two weeks, and now they have to go to Pittsburgh. Not only that, but they have to play a football game while they’re there! The good news for Houston is that I’m not sure the Steelers are all that good. They beat the Giants in Week 1, then held on to get past Denver in Week 2. I’m not even sure that’s more impressive than losing to the KC and Baltimore by a combined 31 points. If you actually stop and think about it, who’s really 2-0? Yes, I know it’s the Steelers, but I mean if you look at it relatively ... Ok, fine I guess you’re just gonna keep crapping on this. Just for that I’m picking Houston. How do ya like me now? Seriously, what do you think of me? Just kidding, forget it. Let’s move on. 


Texans 27-24

Sunday Afternoon


New York Jets at Indianapolis 

The Jets might very well be the worst team in the league. It’s hard to know if it’s their quarterback Sam Darnold’s fault. But hey, maybe it’s time to give the backup a shot and see what he can do. And of course, the backup is ... Joe Flacco! Oh baby, the FlaccMan gonna rise from the dead! Flacco and Frank Gore in the same backfield? Super Bowl XLVII fans are getting chills at the mere possibility. Oh you didn’t know about the fervent Super Bowl XLVII Stans out there? Yeah there’s a bustling sub-reddit. But don’t go in there with any of your weak crap about Harbaugh Bowl and the blackout, nah you gotta have intricate knowledge of the ins and outs of that game. Like that, uh, Joe Flacco and Frank Gore both played in it. Look, let’s change the subject before r/SB47 comes after me. The Colts got on the right track last week, and now that track takes them directly towards the Jets. Wait, why are the Jets on a track? That doesn’t make sense transportationally. The point is Indy should get a second straight win. 


Colts 24-10

Carolina at Los Angeles Chargers 

The Panthers without Christian McCaffrey feels like when the best character leaves a show and it’s barely even worth watching. Like The Office without Michael Scott, or Family Matters without Aunt Rachel, or Family Matters without Judy Winslow. The Chargers are also without a key member of their backfield as starting quarterback Tyrod Taylor will miss a second consecutive week with a punctured lung caused by an errant painkiller shot from the team doctor. It seems like a calamitous, yet honest, mistake until you consider that the doctor’s name is Dustin Herbert! That’s right, just like the Chargers now starting quarterback Justin Herbert. And guess what, he’s of no relation! Nope, just a coincidence. But he does own a Herbert jersey. Still though, it’s unclear if he bought it just because that’s his name too and he thought it would be funny. And if that’s the case, he’s right, it’s hilarious. Also comical is the prospect of Carolina succeeding without McCaffrey. Much more comical than Family Matters was without Judy Winslow!


Chargers 25-17

Tampa Bay at Denver 

I tried to warn ya Fangio, but you just have to be the rebel. The “bad boy of the NFL” as you like to call yourself. In case you haven’t heard, ol’ Vic went and got himself fined 100 Gs by the NFL for not wearing his mask on the sidelines last week. Could’ve saved himself a lot of dough if he’d read this blog and heeded my advice, but there’s no chance of that happening is there? Hell, I think I saw him smoking a cig in between plays last Sunday. Yeah, he was sporting a leather jacket, listening to rock and roll music, and taking deep drags off a heater. While Fangio’s coaching style may be conservative, his brazen disregard for the rules certainly isn’t. Vic would be wise to wear his mask against the Bucs though, so that the world doesn’t see him cursing out his new quarterback Jeff Driskel. But you know that ain’t gonna matter to the Fangie Man. Get this, he thinks swearing is cool. Can you believe this guy?!?


Buccaneers 27-13

Detroit at Arizona 

At first glance Lions/Cardinals might not seem like much of a rivalry, but don’t forget, these teams tied in Week 1 last year. That stalemate sent these two squadrons hurdling into a dovetail that inevitably led them to this moment. Finally they’ll settle this score. The nation, nay, the world will finally know who reigns supreme. It’s been a long, arduous year, and without a doubt the most difficult part has been that emptiness in all of our souls. A crater that was formed on September 8th, 2019, and, with any luck, will be filled come Sunday. We’re almost on the other side of this thing gang, we just have to hang in there for a few more days. Unless of course they tie again, in which case ... Honestly I don’t even want to think about it. I have to believe that a winner will emerge. In times like these, when the world is tied, belief is all we have. 


Cardinals 30-20

Dallas at Seattle 

The Cowboys ran two fake punts last week and were stopped on both. So either they’ll never attempt one again, or just keep trying until they benefit from the law of averages. But they should be careful with the trickery, because Pete Carroll is a real “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, what’s your deal?!?” type of guy. Though, with the way these offenses can play, it’s possible that neither team will have to line up for a punt in this game, so it may not matter much. If you’re a big fan of the conference player of the week awards you’re no doubt salivating at the idea of NFC’s offensive player of Week 1 Russell Wilson going back and forth with the Week 2 winner Dak Prescott. And that’s pretty gross. Salivating in general is not pleasant, but the fact that you’re doing it while thinking about a football game is truly bizarre. Why don’t we just get to the pick now before you get drool on me. 


Seahawks 34-27

Sunday Night 


Green Bay at New Orleans 

It's a pivotal match-up in the NFC that could eventually have playoff ramifications. For a game this important we're lucky that we have Cris Collinsworth in the booth to breakdown the action. Let's hear what he'll be keeping an eye on come Sunday night:

Whoa, this is one party I am NOT gonna miss. Can I come? You don't have to answer now CC. Just e-mail me the deets before Sunday.


Packers 35-32




Monday Night


Kansas City at Baltimore 

Oh great, Monday Nigh Football. Seems like ever since ABC moved the franchise to ESPN the quality of match-ups has gone down considerably. And in recent years it’s been even worse. So let’s see, what leftover crumbs the NFL gave us this time ... Holy shit! Chiefs and Ravens! How the hell did this happen?!? Maybe it was like an auction style fantasy draft and ESPN spent all they had on this one game. Which of course means that the rest of their schedule is completely made up of $1 pick-ups. But that’s a future problem, and we’re living for today baby! We got the match-up of the year this Monday, who cares what comes after? But it’s not like Giants/Lions is it? Checking ... Nope! So yeah, who cares? In this battle of young MVP QBs who will win? Simple, the fans. Which will make us tied for first in the NFC South. 

Ravens 30-27


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