Oh hell yeah, two big time markets going head to head! The Big Apple vs. The Windy City. But don’t be too worried about gusts this Sunday, because Chicago actually got that nickname from their politicians blowing so much hot air. And of course, we all know that New York City is called The Big Apple because of the giant, 6-story tall apple that’s been sitting on 41st Street since 1911. No one knows how it got there, or how it became so big, or why it hasn’t been removed since it’s been slowly rotting for decades and continues to breed millions of maggots on a weekly basis. But hey that’s just another reason that New York is the greatest city on Earff!
Bears 27-20
Atlanta at Dallas
Can a Week 2 game be a must win? As far as I’m concerned, yes! And that’s because I say every game is a must win! That would be my policy if I were an NFL owner: every loss, coach gets fired. You might say that’s too short of a leash, but I’d counter by saying, no one tells me how to walk my dog! Obviously whichever of these teams loses can still rally to make the playoffs, but for the Falcons falling into a hole would be an all too familiar feeling. They started 1-4 in 2018 and 1-7 last season, ending up at 7-9 both times. Some say it’s not how you start, it’s how you finish, but those people clearly don’t understand how NFL standings work. On the other side, if the Cowboys fall to 0-2 ahead of a trip to Seattle in Week 3 all hellwill break loose ... for Cowboys fans. The rest of the country will be having a ball.
Cowboys 37-20
Detroit at Green Bay
The common narrative surrounding Aaron Rodgers’ outstanding Week 1 performance is that he’s had a fire lit under him by talk of a drop off in his play and the Packers’ selection of his potential successor in the first round of the draft. Yes, Aaron Rodgers is at his best when he’s angry. And you know what, I just find that really immature. What kind of example does that set for the kids? To tell them that the best way to do your job is pissed off? Disgraceful. It’s the same problem I had with that guy in Avengers. You know, Sean Connery? The lions blew a big lead last week, and I expect them to lose again here too. But on the bright side they might not get ahead at all, so they won’t have to be embarrassed by how badly they blew it.
Packers 34-22
Jacksonville at Tennessee
Last week I joked about the Jags having no one attend their first game. Apparently I didn’t have up to date information, because there were indeed fans at TIAA Bank Field. And of course there were. I’m surprised they didn’t allow full capacity. I imagine the commissioner would raise a stink if the Jags did permit that, but one of his advisors would likely place a hand on his shoulder and simply say, “Forget it Rog, it’s Jacksonville.” Both of these teams come into this game at 1-0, but only one can come out of it with an iron grip on first place in the AFC South. Who will it ... the Titans. It’ll be the Titans.
Titans 23-10
Minnesota at Indianapolis
Before the season I picked both of these teams to win their divisions. And of course it’s only been a week ... so you haven’t forgotten yet. But give it about six weeks and no one will be the wiser. I simply make a few quick edits and then when mid season rolls around and we revisit my preseason playoff picks to see how they’re shaping up the Vikings and Colts are no where to be found. It’s unethical, and borderline despicable, but I could say the same thing about how both of these teams played last week. Now one of them will be 0-2 and be looking at, what is historically, an uphill battle to make it to the playoffs. Deciding who that will be is pretty simple: one of them lost to the Packers, the other one lost to the Jags.
Vikings 31-24
Buffalo at Miami
If the Bills start 2-0 we still won’t know how good they are. Their wins will be over the Jets and Dolphins. It’s like a kid beating up their younger siblings, then showing up at school thinking they’re tough. And who knows, maybe they are. Maybe they waltz in wearing a Big Johnson tee, rub a few kids’ faces in the mud, and get detention for calling their teacher a buttsniffer. Then again, maybe they cry from embarrassment when the teacher tells them to turn their obscene shirt inside out and everyone laughs. It’s anybody’s guess. However, if Buffalo loses to Miami we’ll know exactly who they are. Especially because they’ll be walking off the field with their jerseys inside out.
Bills 24-16
San Francisco at New York Jets
Just a couple of lousy 0-1 squads. Ok fine, obviously these teams aren’t exactly the same. One wears green, the other wears red. Those color schemes are very different; opposite ends of the spectrum. Other than that though, these groups are in the same boat. Alright, I admit the Jets might be in worse shape than the Niners in the long run. Especially now that LeVeon Bell is already hurt. Maybe it won’t be a big deal though, let’s see their backup is ... checking ... Frank Gore?!? Is that real? Does that make this a Frank Gore revenge game? Does anything count as a revenge game if you’ve played for half the league? I don’t know, but I’m buying it. And in reality LeVeon Bell really wasn’t contributing that much. Maybe the Jets are better off with a motivated Frank Gore carrying the ball. Even if they are though, that probably won’t be good enough.
49ers 31-14
Los Angeles Rams at Philadelphia
Last week the Rams held on to beat the Cowboys thanks in large part to an offensive pass interference penalty that was drawn via a masterful acting job by Jalen Ramsey. Somebody should have told him that the Emmy’s are this Sunday! Hmm, I guess the actual acting doesn’t usually happen at the Emmy’s. And if he were hoping to get a nomination, it would make sense to submit his performance before the ceremony. So great job Jalen! Give him the trophy! It’s hard to know if LA’s win last Sunday night was a statement victory over a quality Dallas squad or a narrow escape against a team that is once again destined to underachieve. The Eagles should be desperate after a calamitous Week 1, and I always say take the more desperate team ... unless they really suck. But I think Philly’s decent enough, so I follow my own rules here.
Eagles 23-20
Denver at Pittsburgh
Broncos coach Vic Fangio regularly took his mask off to talk on the sidelines during Denver’s Monday night loss. That defeats the purpose of the mask. He wasn’t the only coach across the league who was guilty of that practice in Week 1, but Fangio was one of the more blatant offenders. It’s not that big of a deal though since Fangio is a robust 62 years old. As we all know the older you get the better your body is at fighting the virus, because of all the years of experience your immune system has. Apparently those decades of seasoning don’t improve one’s clock management skills though, as Fangio blamed himself for holding onto timeouts in a narrow defeat against the Titans. It’s ironic that Vic ran out of time, since that’s exactly what’s going to happen if he keeps not wearing his mask! I’m picking Pittsburgh to win based solely on this negligence. And also the fact that I think the Steelers are better.
Steelers 30-20
Carolina at Tampa Bay
The world desperately wants to laugh at ol’ Tom Brady right
now. This poor guy has given 20 years of his life for our entertainment
and at the first sign of struggle we all pile on. Making fun of the pick
six he threw, or how odd he looks in a Bucs uniform, or how weird his
farts probably smell. Yeah I’ve heard it all. And I’m sick of it! He’s
gonna come back this week and rub our noses in it. Yes, come Sunday
afternoon we’re all gonna know exactly how Tom Brady’s farts smell, and I
can’t wait!
Buccaneers 38-17
Sunday Afternoon
Washington at Arizona
Whoa, I gotta admit, those did smell pretty weird. Anyhow, did anybody think these teams would both be 1-0 going into this match-up? If you say yes I’ll know you’re a liar, and that all the promises you made me were false. It just wasn’t feasible that Washington and Arizona would be playing each other with both coming off wins. That hasn’t happened since 2011! Ok so, that’s not as long ago as I thought it’d be. Actually that 2011 contest also happened in Week 2 when both teams were 1-0. Does that have any bearing on this Sunday’s game? No. But what an amazing tidbit, huh? The bottom line is, one of these teams will be 2-0 come Sunday, and we’ll have to take them for real. The other will fall to 1-1 and comfortably into their familiar role of pesky lil’ scamps.
Cardinals 26-18
Kansas City at Los Angeles Chargers
After he turned into the sex car from Titanic last Thursday I wouldn’t be surprised if Andy Reid switched from a face shield to a mask this week. If and when he does, a reporter at the postgame press conference will ask him why he made the move, to which Reid will reply, “I haven’t the foggiest!” The crowd will go wild, someone will toss Reid a top hat and cane, and he’ll do a little leg kick, tip-o-the-cap saunter. The reporters will hoist him onto their shoulders, their gleeful energy so powerful that he’ll be light as a feather. Oh wait, the press conferences are all remote now. Maybe this scenario isn’t so realistic after all. It also doesn’t seem realistic for the Chargers to be able to contain Patrick Mahomes, but surprisingly his highest yardage total in four career games against LAC is 256. KC is also 3-1 in those games, so passing yards are probably overrated. Regardless of how gaudy Mahomes’ stats are the Chiefs should win and their coach should be able to see it all much better this time.
Chiefs 31-13
Baltimore at Houston
Yeesh, the Texans have a tough opening schedule. First the Chiefs, now the Ravens. But hey, it’s like Ric Flair said, “To be the man you gotta beat the man.” Though in the NFL that’s not totally true. You can win a weak division, skate into the playoffs, then hope some other teams pull upsets to eliminate the heavy hitters. But, “To be the man, you gotta catch some breaks and hope for the best” doesn’t have the same ring to it. Baltimore looked to be in mid season form in Week 1, then again they were playing the Browns. Meanwhile, Houston was frustratingly disheveled as per usual, then again they were playing the Chiefs. So while the Ravens’ competition increases here, the Texans’ remains just as tough. So what does that mean? I dunno, Baltimore by 7?
Ravens 30-23
Sunday Night
New England at Seattle
The new look Patriots (they let their quarterback run now!) versus the new look Seahawks (they let their quarterback throw now!). Who prevails? Let's see what the man who will be calling them game thinks. Cris?
I don't think we were supposed to know most of that. But you're an open book CriColl, and that's why we love ya.
Seahawks 24-19
Monday Night
New Orleans at Las Vegas
This feels like the schedule taunting us. America’s two biggest party cities going head to head in a country with no partying! What’s that? People in these cities are still partying? Oh people all over the country are still partying? That’s not good. I guess some folks would rather die than not party. Or, more to the point, would rather other people die than not party. Well, despite what I’m sure would be thousands of willing attendees the Las Vegas Raiders will not be allowing any spectators into their brand new stadium. A stadium that I’ve heard compared to the Death Star more than a few times. But I’m not sure exactly why. The Death Star was gray. Allegiant Stadium is black. They don’t look like each other! Why do people keep saying this?!? I guess you could say it looks like Darth Vader’s armor, but the thing about Darth Vader’s armor is that it’s not the Death Star. Look, I have to stop writing about this game, it’s making me too upset. Definitely not in a party mood.
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