Last week was my most successful in the history of these posts. I posted an astonishing, and now to be expected, 12-1 record. The only incorrect pick? You guessed it, the 49ers. Well I've learned my lesson, I'm picking the Niners from here on out, starting this week. What's that? They have a bye? Oh well, it was a good run Niners.
Seattle @ Cleveland
Jackson or Whitehurst? It's kind of like asking shotgun or machete. Either way we're going to kill you Cleveland. The Hawks are clearly now a powerhouse that can win on either coast and in any time zone, so the early start in this one presents no problem. This is a big game for both teams, whoever wins will get to 3-3 and still have playoff hopes going forward, and the loser will fall to 2-4 and likely be out of contention ... unless, of course, that 2-4 team is the Hawks, because no matter what their record is they find a way into the playoffs. But that point will be moot.
San Diego @ New York Jets
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that Rex Ryan eats everyone.
Chicago @ Tampa Bay
Tampa fans have to be relieved that this game is being played in London, now they don't have to think of a reason not to go see the Bucs play this Sunday, they can finally just relax and go do some outdoor activities, or whatever it is those jerks do instead of sitting, drinking, and watching football all day. As for the game itself, playing in front of a tepid, mostly disinterested crowd should make the Bucs feel right at home, and I think they'll feed off that.
Washington @ Carolina
This seems like the perfect game for the Panthers to pull a mild upset in. They've hung around with everyone they played, but a tough schedule has yielded only one win. Meanwhile, the Redskins are thinking about starting John Beck? Gross man.
Atlanta @ Detroit
There's been quite the debate over who deserves more blame for the handshake fiasco that occurred after the Lions-Niners game last week. Jim Schwartz definitely seems like a turbo, and he probably didn't need to go after Harbaugh twice, or make physical contact, but I don't blame him for being pissed. Then there's Harbaugh, who was described the following way by Mill Creek, Wa resident Arne Andersen, "He's an asshole asshole asshole, and he'll always be an asshole." Longfellow couldn't have said it better. Either way I think the disappointment from that loss lingers into this week for Detroit.
Denver @ Miami
A lot of people are accusing the Dolphins of tanking games, and watching Matt Moore it's hard to argue the contrary. But has anybody told Moore why they're tanking? Does he think they're trying to get o-line help with that #1 pick? Meanwhile, Tebow gets his first start of the season. This is a man that doesn't know how to quit, a skill that would translate well to "I Quit" matches, but is equally important in football.
Houston @ Tennessee
Andre Johnson has been upgraded to questionable for this game, which means the Texans' chances to win are still awful. Why? Look who they're playing, it's Matt and the boys (a nickname that I'm fairly certain all of Tennessee is currently using in reference to the Titans). Matty don't lose at home, he never did with the Hawks and he hasn't yet with the Titans. And this is is just the first of three straight home games for Tennessee, so expect them to get to 6-2 and take a stranglehold over the worse than the NFC West AFC South.
Kansas City @ Oakland
It appears that the Raiders will opt to start new acquisition Carson Palmer over incumbent back-up Kyle Boller, a man who has been living in Palmer's shadow ever since they were both in the Pac-10 (that's what it was called back then). But isn't this the same thing we saw when the Colts brought in Kerry Collins to start when their best option was actually someone who had been with the team and knew the offense, despite his track record? Not exactly. Collins is a good deal older than Palmer, the Colts' offense is more sophisticated than the Raiders', and Kyle Boller isn't a secret badass like Curtis Painter (more on him later; there's a tease that will keep ya reading eh?). Be that as it may, I still think Palmer will struggle.
Pittsburgh @ Arizona
It's a rematch of Super Bowl XLIII, and it's finally time for Kurt Warner to get revenge on Ben Roethlisberger. Just kidding, as we all know Warner is retired, and his vengeance will come in the after-life. Unfortunately for Arizona fans they'll have to rely on Kevin Kolb to exercise their demons. I'm not saying that he can't do it, I'm just saying he won't, and also he probably can't.
Green Bay @ Minnesota
It's become clear to most that Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in the league, and probably the best player. But I think we need to extrapolate this even further, is Aaron Rodgers the best person at his job in all of America? I say yes. If Kevin Calabro was still calling Supes' games my answer would obviously be different, but tragically that is not the case.
St. Louis @ Dallas
Here we have the NFL equivalent to the current World Series match-up. Yes, that's right folks, the World Series is being played right now, and it's Cardinals vs. Rangers. Unlike their baseball counterparts both of these teams have struggled so far, furthermore, these teams barely ever use bats during their games, which is really a shame. Sam Bradford's TD/INT numbers do look just like a full count though. That's right, he's thrown only 3 TDs and 2 INTs. How is that possible after five games? Just do something already, if you're not going to be good then just start slangin' picks. It's more fun that way, just ask Romo.
Indianapolis @ New Orleans
I've come to a frightening point in my fantasy season, I'm starting Curtis Painter. If you told me this before the season started I would have called you a rat bastard liar and told you to give me back my shirt (in this case I'm assuming that was told to me by James, who has had my Grand Archives shirt for quite some time). But now I'm not even that worried, I think Painter's got the chops, or at least chops enough to throw for a lot of yards in a losing effort, the true mark of a successful fantasy quarterback.
Baltimore @ Jacksonville
A lot of people are saying that this has been the worst slate of Monday night games ever, others are saying that those other people say that every year, still others are saying, "It's a good thing Bocephus's song got pulled because if he asked me if I was ready for some football and this was the game I honestly don't know what I'd say to him." I agree with everyone. Maybe the answer is taking NBC's idea of the Flex game one step further and having Flex teams. For instance, ESPN could flex the Jaguars out and flex in someone else on the Ravens' schedule who has a bye this week, like Cincinnati; then the Jags trade bye weeks with the Bengals. You might be saying, "But what about the fans in Jacksonville?" To which I'd say, watch it pal, I make the jokes around here.