As of this posting, the weekly NFL Picks have become the most tagged subject in the history of Henry Cotto's Mustache. There were a lot of people who said it would never get this far, but apparently they didn't understand that there are no editors on this blog and that I can make a post every week regardless of whether or not anyone is reading. If you actually do read this then thank you, I appreciate it, and don't believe what anybody says, that shirt you're wearing doesn't look terrible on you.
Arizona @ Baltimore
The Ravens played against the Jags last Monday, and in strict football terms they shit the bed. It would sound stupid to say that Joe Flacco is Baltimore's MVP, but the fact is that when he plays well they win. If he doesn't play well, the defense can still carry them, but if the Flac-Man is slangin' it, a W is a sure thing. So, the question all of America is now asking is, and I quote, "Will the Flac-Man slang it?" I say that this week he will.
Minnesota @ Carolina
It's Ponder vs. Newton! Not since Bird and Magic has there been a more anticipated match-up of rookies (and no, I do not mean Larry Bird and Magic Johnson).
Jacksonville @ Houston
Both of these squads showed me something last week. The Texans proved they can win without Andre Johnson, while the Jaguars proved they can win. Arian Foster had a huge game for Houston, running for over 100 yards and receiving for over 100 as well, a rare feat that results in quite a few Madden points. In fact, the Texans should have enough for at least a couple cards after last game. Jack Del Rio commented that he hopes it's not the one for unlimited timeouts because that can have a major affect on the end of the game; he went further to say that if any of the cards are used it would be "totally cheap." Either way I think the Texans have the advantage in this one.
Miami @ New York Giants
The Dolphins have taken tanking to new heights, and I'm not even talking about their 4th quarter collapse against Denver last week. Did anybody see who they just signed to play quarterback? J.P. Losman ... as in Loss-man! If there was a superhero whose super power was losing football games that would be his name. They're just flaunting it now.
New Orleans @ St. Louis
The Saints are coming off a record-setting offensive performance, but now they find themselves up against ... hold on, I have to look it up. Sorry gang, I'm a little unprepared. You would not believe the week I'm having, but that's besides the point, let me just find that opponent. Ok, almost got it ... looks like it is ... The Rams!? Oh fuck, just call it off now. This is going to be like one of those middle school basketball games where they just shut the scoreboard off at halftime so that the other team doesn't feel bad. At least the 12th Ram won't have to worry about being quiet when the Rams get inside the red zone.
Indianapolis @ Tennessee
Last week I mentioned how I was starting Curtis Painter in fantasy. Needless to say after his literally negative performance I got rid of him faster than Shooter McGavin gets rid of caddies who tell him to chip onto the green with a 5-iron. Speaking of disappointing efforts, the Titans were obliterated last week by the Johnson-less Texans. My only explanation is that Matthew had something better to do so Tim Hasselbeck replaced him and they just thought no one would notice. Nice try guys, I got ya. Anyway, Matt will come back this week, which will equal a win.
Detroit @ Denver
Last week when I said that Tim Tebow doesn't know how to quit I didn't realize how right I'd be. What I failed to mention was that it also takes him quite a while to get going. Did it matter that he only had 40 yards passing before his consecutive 4th quarter touchdown drives? No, because he was playing the Dolphins. My guess would be that he won't be able to pull off the same trick against any other team, and if he can then it's just stupid and I'll stop liking football (which isn't much of a stretch after watching last week's Hawks game). The Lions should stop their 2 game skid here.
Washington @ Buffalo
America wasn't big enough for this game, so these teams have decided to ... (:40 mark) Yes that's right, this game will played across the border in Canada, which some jerks refer to as "America's hat." First of all, that's not very clever, and second of all, Canada is much larger than the United States, so that would be like someone wearing a hat that was bigger than them and that just doesn't happen outside of Dr. Seuss books. The Canadian setting seems like a disadvantage for the Bills, because there's no chance the crowd in Toronto will affect the game like the people in Buffalo do. In fact, the fans will probably be confused by the presence of a 4th period and they may even leave after the 3rd. Even with all of this I'll still take the Bills, because I believe that the Redskins are in the midst of losing 9 games out of 10.
Cincinnati @ Seattle
I think we can all agree that those Char-lie chants at home games should never happen again. Just when it seemed that the Hawks actually had a competent offense they go and do something like that ... and do NOT redeem themselves. I understand that we were missing our starting QB, RB, and center, and the officiating was suspect at best, but 3 points against the Browns? Not on my watch! While we're on the topic, I've been watching from too far away, this team needs me. Last time I went to a game I made it snow and got in Brett Favre's head, resulting in 25% of the Hawks' wins for the whole season, all in one afternoon. I think I can handle Andy Dalton. And if you happen to be in the Nest on Sunday get ready for some of this.
Cleveland @ San Francisco
After getting an in-depth look at the Browns offense last week I don't see any way that they'll manage to put up points on the powerhouse Niners. Nope, this is as sure as wins get in the NFL. Congrats in advance to San Fran for getting to 6-1, nothing can stop you on your march to a Super Bowl title.
New England @ Pittsburgh
All of a sudden Pittsburgh is 5-2 and leading their division. Doesn't this always happen with the Steelers? We start to think they suck, then before we know it they're sneaking their way into the Super Bowl, those slimy bastards. Another thing that happens quite a bit with Pittsburgh is that they're humbled when they play Tom Brady. Brady's beaten them four times in a row, and I expect him to make it five. And if he doesn't it will position the Steelers as the favorites in the AFC, and may God have mercy on our souls.
Dallas @ Philadelphia
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that because this game is being played on the night before Halloween there will be an Eagles fan who dresses up like a zombie Tony Romo. Romo will see this and believe he's come face-to-face with his own mortality and that it actually is his dead self from the future. Furthermore, because the costume will feature a Romo jersey, Romo will be convinced that he is going to die during a game. For the rest of his career he will be mortified every time he puts his uniform on. Surprisingly, he'll still have some pretty productive years.
San Diego @ Kansas City
The Chiefs came into their last game with 5 interceptions on the season. In one game against the tandem of Kyle Boller and Carson Palmer they picked off 6. Does this mean the Chiefs' defense is improving? Not necessarily, but it does mean that the Raiders are going to be a lot of fun to watch for the rest of the season. KC has won three straight though, and this is the first of three consecutive home games for them. They'll need to win all of those because they precede a murderous five game stretch in which someone will probably get murdered, hence my use of the term murderous. Unfortunately for the Chiefs, I think they'll drop this one seeing as how their winning streak has come against the Vikings, Chiefs, and the aforementioned combo leading the Raiders.