Last week I inadvertently predicted the death of Al Davis. While some of you may blame me for his death, you should keep in mind that the PickBot 4000 was still writing the picks at that point, so it's really not my fault. My only mistake was creating a machine that was too accurate.
San Francisco @ Detroit
I'll admit that the Niners were impressive in their 48-3 dismantling of the Bucs last week. And I'll also admit that I was surprised to find out that Alex Smith is the 3rd highest rated passer in the league right now. However, he's also thrown the least passes of any QB to start all of his team's games. So in essence, the Niners are playing a game of checkers and they haven't moved their back row. It's a good, safe strategy, but sooner or later they'll be forced out of their comfort zone. Also, Calvin Johnson is leading the league in "king me's" so I think the choice is clear.
St. Louis @ Green Bay
Here the league's best team takes on the league's worst. Not so fast 12th Ram, St. Louis is the latter. This has the potential to be a huge blowout, or a game in which the Packers get bored with how easy it is, resulting in a mildly disappointing 17 point victory. Hmm, let's just go with the first one.
Carolina @ Atlanta
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that Cam Newton introduces his new slogan "Newton's Law says I'm gonna throw all over yo ass," which takes the nation by storm. Within weeks it will be on t-shirts and lunchboxes, it will probably be too long to fit on hats, but that's beside the point.
Indianapolis @ Cincinnati
Painter vs. Dalton! NFL fever, catch it! In all seriousness though, Painter has looked decent as the Colts QB, but even his dad's ultimate set of tools couldn't fix everything that's wrong with the Colts. Meanwhile Dalton continues to be a steady presence in the Bengals backfield ... one that will be shaken to its core when Cincy visits the CLink after their bye week.
Buffalo @ New York Giants
It's clear that only an exceptional team can go into MetLife Stadium and beat the Giants. And while I love the Bills, their road loss to Cincinnati two weeks ago worries me. Like I've seriously lost sleep over it. I'm losing sleep over it right now, trying to think of something else to write about this game. Whoa, wait a minute, both of these teams play in the state of New York ... so that's something. I'm sure there's some sort of trophy given to the winner of this game. Ok, I'll be honest, I wrote that before doing any fact-checking, there is no trophy.
Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh
Gabbert is making a push for the team to wear their black pants this week for obvious reasons.
Philadelphia @ Washington
Well the casket is pretty much sealed for the Eagles now, and the Redskins have taken notice. They have challenged Philly to make this a "Buried Alive" game. In a related note, they have signed this man to play tight end. But I say that being backed into a corner will bring out the best in the Eagles, and they'll get the win. Of course, this will instantly make FedEx Field haunted because it will be sitting on an Indian burial ground.
Houston @ Baltimore
My prediction that the Texans would not win a game without Andre Johnson is looking pretty solid after one week. Johnson was obviously needed on the final play of the game when it appeared that Matt Schaub got tired of looking for someone to pass to so he just gave up and threw it to the nearest Raider. Things don't get any easier with Mario Williams out for the season and a trip to Baltimore on the schedule. But you know what they say about Matt Schaub: when the going gets tough, Matt Schaub really loses his shit.
Cleveland @ Oakland
It's hard to believe that the Seahawks let Aaron Curry slip through their fingers like so many a dropped interception by Aaron Curry, but I wish him well with the Raiders. Actually, if he performs even marginally well I'll be pissed. Just for fun let's take a look at the linebackers taken immediately after Curry in the '09 Draft: Brian Cushing, Clay Matthews, James Laurinaitis, and Rey Maualuga; not to mention Brian Orakpo, who is something of a hybrid ... Whoops! That pick turned out to be a boner. Is that what you thought you'd see when you clicked on that link? Wait, if it wasn't why did you click on it? Perv. So yeah, I'll take Oakland.
Dallas @ New England
In this game Brady and Romo are going to get more action in the air than this guy. By the end of the game the defensive coordinators will wish they hadn't stopped sniffing glue.
New Orleans @ Tampa Bay
After a rough loss last week it will be nice for the Bucs to not feel the pressure of playing in front of a full crowd. Tampa may have hit rock bottom last week, which means there's nowhere to go but up. Well, that's not always true, sometimes you just stay at rock bottom for a while, if not for the rest of your life. But I think these Bucs have heart, and I think they'll come back with an upset win over the Saints, who are playing their third straight road game.
Minnesota @ Chicago
This is a tough one to pick a winner in. The Bears o-line has been pathetic and now they have to deal with Jared Allen, who is leading the NFL with 8.5 sacks this season. On the flip side, Donovan McNabb is the Vikings' starting quarterback. As you can see, both offenses are at a great disadvantage. In the end I'll go with the home team
Miami @ New York Jets
So the rule about never picking Miami at home still holds true, only now that rule applies when they're on the road too. The Jets have dropped three in a row, but there's no better way to get healthy than a visit from Matt Moore. And no, I'm not talking about Matt Moore, the OBGYN from Arizona, I'm talking about the starting quarterback for the Dolphins.
Let me know if any of the links don't work for you, and I'll try to fix them, or you can just make up your own gag.
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