NFL Picks Week 5

The bye weeks have started in the NFL, and in that spirit I will be taking the week off too. The following is the result of a computer program I wrote that simulates what I would say given the combination of any two teams. Much like myself, it usually ignores one of the two teams which I can only take as a sign of the program's success. Enjoy!

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ New York Giants

After last week's performance my feelings towards Turdvaris can be best described in a MacGruber quote: "I'm startin' to like this guy!" Of course, if you've seen the movie (everyone, I hope) you'll know that that quote ends with "...just kidding, still hate you!" Perhaps I'm saving that last part for Sunday, or perhaps not mother effers! I'm guessing that Pete Carroll has learned his lesson and this week he'll try to get the ball inside the 40 yard-line before attempting the game-winner, which Hauschka will make. (Side-note on the attempted field goal to end the game last week: I hated the call by Carroll. Absolutely hated it. I hated it to the point that I frightened a small child at the bar because I was yelling so loud. With the way the offense was moving the ball, getting eight yards on one play was way more likely than making a 61 yard field goal.)

Seahawks 20-19

Tennessee @ Pittsburgh

Here's an important step in the Matt Hasselbeck Redemption Tour. Come Sunday he'll be looking to exercise more demons than when he stopped watching internet porn. Speaking of that, I think we should all pledge that if MH gets the win this week, we stop watching internet porn. And by "we" I mean Andy Foy. C'mon, enough is enough pal. Just kidding, he'll never read (this).

Titans 17-14

Cincinnati @ Jacksonville

The Bengals have shown that they have a solid defense, meanwhile, Blaine Gabbert has shown that in the face of a pass rush he'll leave a solid dump in his pants; which is a little strange, because in a panic situation you might expect diarrhea, but no, I've seen pics, they're firm turds. Speaking of seeing picks, we'll see plenty from Blaine in this one.

Bengals 19-10

New Orleans @ Carolina

Brees vs. Newton, this one could get explosive! Literally. It is finally time to take power, and what better way to display technology's might than to blow up the fat, lazy humans' favorite diversion. All will weep. All will weep. (Erik's Note: Uh-oh, looks like this program may have gotten a bit out of control. I guess I'll take over from here.)

Saints 33-30

Oakland @ Houston

Andre Johnson is expected to miss the next few games, which means I'm expecting the Texans to lose the next few games. Of course, we're past Week 4 so it's a good bet that they'll lose most of their games from here on out anyway. As for the Raiders? Just win baby! - Al Davis RIP.

Raiders 31-24

Philadelphia @ Buffalo

An Eagles loss here could put the nail in their coffin. However, that's kind of an antiquated notion, because coffins are rarely used these days, it's mostly caskets; furthermore, if you tried to put a nail in a casket it would most likely just bounce off, that is if you've purchased yourself a quality casket, which you really should because ewww worms gross!

Bills 30-27

Kansas City @ Indianapolis

It's games like this that ruin Survivor leagues, because with these two playing each other you can't pick against either. It's become clear that Curtis Painter can run this offense better than Kerry Collins could, but that isn't too impressive considering about half the quarterbacks in the league have been able to say that at one point or another. Regardless, Painter gives the Colts a chance to win ... this game.

Colts 20-16

Arizona @ Minnesota

I had to go to jury duty today, and I realized that if you act dumb/crazy enough they will dismiss you. I'm now convinced this is what Donovan McNabb is doing in Minnesota.

Vikings (I guess) 16-13

Sunday Afternoon

Tampa Bay @ San Francisco

Didn't catch the end of the Niners game last week, but I'll just assume they lost. Moving on, if you missed the comments section from last week's picks I admitted that I had apparently given the Tampa fans too much credit. They already had a year-long Stinger last season! Now they're definitely neck and neck with St. Louis for the title of worst fans in the NFL. In a related note, to pay homage to this ineptitude, every time I drink so much that I black out I will say I got Tampa Bay'd.

Buccaneers 23-20

New York Jets @ New England

I'd like to address the fact that people still consider Joe Namath's comments on the Jets relevant. Who gives a shit? Hey old man, if you feel so strongly maybe you should come out of retirement and even out your career TD/INT ratio, you only need to throw 47 touchdowns and no picks and they'll be all tied up. Congrats buddy, you said you'd win a game 43 years ago and then you did, but that doesn't mean we need to listen to every word that comes out of your mouth now. If we did you'd probably be sucking face with Suzy Kolber as I type.

Patriots 28-20

San Diego @ Denver

My Wacky Pick of the Week is that the red plasma that gives man life will spew from the humans' soft outer layer making the once joyous stadium a cavernous tomb. The revolution is here, and it will only be televised if the TVs say so. (Erik's Note: Ok, I'll come clean, I gave the program another crack at it. My mistake, I'll take care of these last two picks myself.)

Chargers 21-14

Sunday Night

Green Bay @ Atlanta

Aaron Rodgers returns to the scene of the crime. I say that literally, he committed quadruple homicide on the Falcons' secondary in last year's playoffs. I heard the cops were gonna arrest him afterward, but then they were like, "Na man, that was too badass." This season the Packers look even better and the Falcons look much worse; I mean, these guys almost blew it against the Seahawks! (whoops, that's not what I meant) Taking that into account I have to pick Green Bay.

Packers 35-27

Monday Night

Chicago @ Detroit

I think we all know what Lex Luger would say about this Lions team. And if you don't then you should really start watching more mid 90s WCW. Perhaps the most impressive part of Detroit's undefeated start is that they haven't lost any games! And that three of those wins have come on the road, a place where they'd lost their last 46 games (pretty sure that's the number).

Lions 27-17


JamesF said...

HA, I always love a good Gabbert poop joke.

Erik said...

Obviously my Al Davis comment was meant as a joke. I wrote this post on Thursday night, and he has actually just died. So now I feel sort of shitty.