"Mock" Draft

Let me start by apologizing to all the Mustacheers who rely on the site for all draft-related news and content.  The coverage has been a bit sparse this year if not non-existent.  Some say the lack of coverage this year is due to the fact that the "blue-chip" prospects are really boring.  Others say it's due to the fact that the Seahawks don't have a first round pick.  While other, better-informed sources claim it's because I forgot my login and password.  Whatever the reason, the 2013 NFL Draft is only three weeks away and it's time to get the HCM boards a buzzin.  And don't forget that I'm the draft genius that just last year in the draft day running commentary gave such great insights as, and I quote, "I like it. Wagner looks good (maybe)" and "I like Russell Wilson".  I think that solidifies my rep.  Around this time I usually debut my mock draft, but this year I'm going to give you all a draft mock.  This is where I pick apart that talking head Mel Kiper's latest projection.

Here are that joker's picks with some Vintage Pete goofs:

1.       KC – Luke Joeckel, OT, Texas A&M

What a lazy pick.  Do your research.

2.       Jax – Ezekiel Ansah, DE, BYU

Raw DE prospects seem to be more popular these days than raw fish (aka sashimi).  Have you heard about these places?  They sell you raw fish and other uncooked stuff from the ocean.  Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?  “Let’s trick people into eating uncooked food and we won’t even have to pay for an oven or grill.  Say it’s from a different country and we can charge more.”  Apparently they’re popular lunch spots for high-powered CEOs after their mid-morning felatio.  I bet Kiper goes to sushi restaurants and orders California rolls.  What a clown.

3.       Oak – Sharrif Floyd, DT, Florida

Not positive, but I think you goofed Mel and mocked a basketball prospect in your NFL draft.  Probably will fix it in version 3.0.

4.       Phi – Geno Smith, QB, West Va

Do you even try anymore Mel?  “Oh, Chip Kelly likes to run a quick offense, so let’s mock a guy who I think is probably an athletic QB.” It’s the 21^st (?) Century Mel.  Wake up.

5.       Det – Dee Milliner, CB, Alabama

OK, this one’s solid.

6.       Cle – Dion Jordan, OLB, Oregon

According to Mel, “Really like this fit.”  That’s the sort of thing I say when I try on a pair of Hanes boxer briefs.  Gotta try better if you’re getting paid for this Melly.

7.       Ari – Eric Fisher, OT, Central Michigan

Two things: one, Mayock likes Fisher more than Joeckel so you screwed up; two, you say keeping Palmer upright is the priority.  I couldn’t disagree more.  Palmer is not a long-term solution, so don’t worry about building an offense to support him.  If you think Fisher is the best player available then take him, but don’t take players to make Palmer better.  He’s there for a max 2 years.  Arizona is picking in the top 15 next year too, so take guys that you can build around.

8.       Buf – Jonathan Cooper, G, UNC

WHAT?!?  Most mock drafts this year when the first guard is taken justify it with something along the lines of “guards don’t go in the Top 10, but Chance Warmack is a special talent.”  The problem here though is that Kipey has mocked the 2^nd best guard at #8.  If you’re just being an idiot Mel you might as well mock Barkevious Mingo to the Jets at #9.

9.       NYJ – Barkevious Mingo, DE, LSU

Idiot

10.   Ten – Chance Warmack, G, Alabama

Titans must be pissed they missed out on Jonathan Cooper.

11.   SD – Lane Johnson, OT, Oklahoma

If I were a GM I would never draft a guy named Lane.

12.   Mia – DJ Fluker, OT, Alabama

Mel, I think you screwed up here.  You list him as an OT, but based on his name he is clearly a WR.

13.   TB – Star Lotulelei, DT, Utah

So you say he is cleared medically.  That was the only red flag about the guy.  He dropped from #1 consideration down to mid-round when heart scares came up.  If those are gone, why is he the second DT off the board?

14.   Car – Sheldon Richardson, DT, Missouri

Too easy

15.   NO – Jarvis Jones, OLB, Georgia

If you need me to tell you why this makes no sense then just stop reading.

16.   STL – Tavon Austin, WR, West Va

“The loss of Amendola leaves a void, but could even be an upgrade.”  This is a ridiculous statement.  If you don’t think you’re getting a player better than Danny Amendola at 16, then you need to select a different player.  Why do people think this little shithead Amendola is some great receiver?  He sucks.  He sucks the big one.

17.   Pit – Tyler Eifert, TE, Notre Dame

Another quote from Kipes: “Can’t effectively be covered by anybody.” Wow.  That’s odd though because I don’t remember him catching 200 passes this year.  Oh, what’s that?  He only caught 50 passes in 2012?  And never more than 6 in one game?  Interesting.

18.   Dal – Sylvester Williams, DT, UNC

Ha, maybe as a goof.

19.   NYG – Desmond Trufant, CB, Washington

Is it just me or did he never look all that good at UW?

20.   Chi – Manti Te’o, LB, Notre Dame

If anyone had his cell number you’re basically obligated to call and pretend to be a GM saying you’re going to draft him, right?

21.   Cin – Alec Ogletree, LB, Georgia

Ugh, really?

22.   STL – Kenny Vaccaro, S, Texas

Cool pick Rams.  It’s a shame he’ll never be the best Safety from Texas in the NFC West ever in his career.

23.   Min – Cordarrelle Patterson, WR, Tenn

Gotta handd it to Mell.  This is a goodd onne, butt I fear that this player hass too many doubble consonants in his namme to be truly successfull.

24.   Ind – Xavier Rhodes, CB, FSU

Not bad I guess since they can’t really draft a new health problem for a beloved member of the staff to rally around.

25.   Min – Kevin Minter, LB, LSU

This guy will definitely impact a game less than Percy Harvin.  Not so much a knock on Kiper as it is a chance to be happy about getting Harvin.

26.   GB – Eddie Lacy, RB, Alabama

A running back to the Packers?  Do you even watch football bro?  The Packers don’t run the ball.  Waste of a pick.

27.   Hou – Robert Woods, WR, USC

Hahahahaha.  Nope.

28.   Den – DJ Hayden, CB, Houston

You made a big mistake here Mello Yello.  This is the second “DJ” you have going in the first round.  You expect me to believe that there will be more DJs selected than Steves or Barkeviouses combined??

29.   NE – Justin Hunter, WR, Ten

Yes, yes.  Nailed it.

30.   Atl – Kyle Long, OL, Oregon

This gutless worm Kiper can’t even tell us if the guy will play G or T.  Take a stand you pussy.  Quit hiding behind your hair.

31.   SF – Margus Hunt, DE, SMU

This guy’s nickname is the Eastern Block because he’s from Estonia and he had like 15 blocked kicks in his career.  Kinda cool?

32.   Bal – Jonathan Cyprien, S, Florida Intl

Way to finish strong dumbshit

Second Round Notes

·         Matt Barkley to the Jags at #33.  This isn’t so much a mock of Kiper, but a warning to any good Junior quarterbacks playing at USC.  DO NOT COME BACK FOR YOUR SENIOR SEASON.

·         Kawann Short, DT, Purdue to Minnesota at #52.  I like this guy and would love to take him at #56 if he’s there.

·         Speaking of #56, he has the Hawks going with Jonathan Hankins, DT, Ohio St.  Says he only drops this far due to depth at the position in this year’s draft.