NFL Picks - Week 14

Sunday Morning

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati

This is the first meeting of the season for these divisional foes, and it comes with Cincinnati all of a sudden holding a 1.5 game lead in the AFC North. But can we trust the Bengals? Thousands of years of human intuition would tell us to never trust a tiger, and four years of football intuition would tell us to never trust Andy Dalton. However, the Steelers have been equally shaky this season and according to my spell check "Steeler" isn't even a word. Pretty shady bros.

Bengals 31-28

St. Louis @ Washington

According to ESPN there are tickets available for this game for $8. C'mon D.C., if you have an opportunity to see a Shaun Hill/Colt McCoy showdown in person for under $10 you really shouldn't pass it up. That's a good rule of thumb to live by: if you're ever offered something for less than $10 accept it with a smile.

Rams 21-17

New York Giants @ Tennessee

Somewhere Kerry Collins will be watching this game with his son and say, "Ya know, I used to be quarterback for both these teams." To which his son will reply, "I don't care Dad, this game blows, turn it off," because he's an ungrateful little prick! That being said, he's totally right about this game, it's a stinker. Neither team has won since October 12th. Barf. No, not Barf, barf.

Giants 27-23

Carolina @ New Orleans

We've all had plenty of fun with the NFC South this season, ridiculing their collective patheticness. And for quite a while it's been assumed that the division champion would have a losing record, but I'll venture to say that that won't actually happen. The Saints' remaining schedule after this game is as follows: @ CHI, ATL, @ TB. All of those games are winnable, and I predict they'll prevail in at least three (spoiler alert!). If so, they'll soar into the playoffs at 8-8 and the nation will be bummed out by their exact mediocrity. We pretended that we didn't want a losing team in the playoffs, but now that it might not happen we kind of miss it, like the mosquito bite we liked to scratch or the bruise we enjoyed thumbing.

Saints 33-19

New York Jets @ Minnesota

Before the Jets' final drive on Monday, when they were forced to throw due to a deficit and a dwindling clock, Geno Smith was 4-8 with 42 yds.. And they were only down 3! Maybe Rex Ryan has figured out how to make Geno into a starting quarterback: don't let him throw. Meanwhile, Teddy Bridgewater hasn't been setting records (to my knowledge) but the Vikings are at least letting him throw more than 8 times a game, which is the ultimate sign of confidence. As I said last week, I'm no longer going to even think when making a Jets pick, just going to close my eyes and drop the hammer. While we're here, don't close your eyes and drop a hammer. The best result is a loud noise, the worst is death following a prolonged battle with gangrene.

Vikings 20-13

Baltimore @ Miami

The Ravens have to be thrilled that Ray Rice's suspension is over and that he can now return to action. Baltimore could certainly use the boost after their devastating loss to the Chargers. How quickly Rice can re-assimilate into the offense remains to be seen, but his mere presence should be inspiring to his teammates. What's that? So he's not going back there? Good, they don't need that scumbag.

Ravens 26-23

Indianapolis @ Cleveland

The Browns have decided to give Brian Hoyer another chance as their starting quarterback despite the widespread clamoring for Johnny Manziel to take over the job. Maybe it's because they were turned off by the way Manziel laid on the turf like a corpse after losing the football near his own goal line. The call of a fumble was later overturned to an incomplete pass, but it doesn't take away from the fact that he appeared dead for a few fleeting moments. Any time you have to double-check your QB's pulse after a big hit it has to shake your confidence.

Colts 30-24

Tampa Bay @ Detroit

The Bucs come into this game winners of one of their last three. Sadly that constitutes a hot streak for Tampa. And yes, I'm referring to the entire city. This is the first of two very winnable home games for the Lions, a team that could really use two wins. So bully for them.

Lions 23-13

Houston @ Jacksonville

J.J. Watt is getting a lot of MVP buzz because of his dominant play on defense and his 3 receiving TDs. Just for the record those 3 TDs have been for a total of 3 yards. Also, is it crazy to think that any other tight end on the roster could have caught those 1 yard passes? All I'm saying is that we probably shouldn't overreact to Watt's offensive stats. Now, if he ever gets a yard after catch, then I'll be impressed.

Texans 27-17

Sunday Afternoon

Buffalo @ Denver

Poor Bills. Just when it looked like they had reignited their playoff hopes they get bombarded with this impossible match-up in Denver. It's like the '87 Survivor Series when Bam Bam Bigelow was left all alone and took out King Kong Bundy and the One Man Gang before the dominant Andre the Giant came in to extinguish his hot streak. Go ahead, watch it back, it's the exact same thing. Of all the analogies possible in this universe, that was the perfect one. By the way, the Bills currently have the #2 scoring defense in the league; they won't after this Sunday.

Broncos 31-17

Kansas City @ Arizona

Two weeks ago these teams were a combined 16-4. Since then they've doubled their collective loss total with an 0-4 stretch. Two squads once marching confidently toward the playoffs are now trudging timidly toward God knows where. The good news is that one of them has to win. Of course, that's bad news for the other team as they'll continue their downward spiral into playoff purgatory. Kind of makes you wish we lived in a world where nobody ever had to lose doesn't it? Man that would really piss off the '72 Dolphins. The NFL should change the rules accordingly if for no other reason than that.

Cardinals 17-13

San Francisco @ Oakland

On the one hand the 49ers have won three of their last four. On the other hand they were just the victim of a live snuff film in front of a national audience on Thanksgiving. So a short trip across the Bay could go a long way to repairing their damaged psyche. This will be good for them, they need this; poor guys.

49ers 23-10

Seattle @ Philadelphia

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? Based on past experience it results in The Joker going to Arkham Asylum or Andre the Giant getting bodyslammed. The Eagles' offense has indeed looked close to unstoppable at times this year, yet when their rhythm gets disrupted they seem quite ordinary. And who better to disrupt their rhythm than the most disruptive defense in years. After surrendering only 6 points over the last two games the Hawks' D has a chance to make another statement on Sunday. One of the only things they haven't done in that span is score a touchdown themselves. My guess is they'll add points of their own on the way to another victory.

Seahawks 26-17 

Sunday Night

New England @ San Diego

The Patriots are only one game better than the Chargers but it feels like much more. And that's how I operate, by feel. It's the most important sense folks, or at least in the top five. This feels like a win for New England. But not only that, it also looks, smells, tastes, and touches(?) like a win for the AFC leaders. Then again, Philip Rivers could always prove me wrong, because sometimes he makes no sense.

Patriots 34-27

Monday Night

Atlanta @ Green Bay

Here come the Atlanta Falcons! They've won three of four, they're at 5-7, and they currently hold the tiebreaker for first place in the NFC South. And now they have games @GB, PIT, @NO. There go the Atlanta Falcons! That could be a three game losing streak waiting to happen. Then again if you're a pessimist, or if this guy is your head coach, everything is a three game losing streak waiting to happen.

Packers 38-24