NFL Picks - Divisional Round

Saturday

Atlanta @ Philadelphia

The Eagles enter this game as the only #1 seed to ever be an underdog in the Divisional Round. Even the scurvy-ravaged Chicago Cardinals of 1946 were laying a point and a half. Are Philadelphia and Foles really worthy of this skepticism? Let’s turn to the man who will be in the booth this Saturday afternoon for his analysis; take it away CriColl:

My thoughts exactly. All of it.

Falcons 24-16

Tennessee @ New England 

This one smells like a blowout. And what does that smell like exactly? Almonds. Don’t you think it smells like almonds? I do. In fact I’m smelling them right now. I know what you’re thinking, and no, I’m not having a stroke. My lips were chapped so I lathered them in almond butter. So now don’t you feel like an idiot for making assumptions? Perhaps I shouldn’t follow my nose regarding the Titans, however, because just one week ago I said that I didn’t see any way Tennessee could win at KC. Of course, the Titans won, but I stand by my original statement, because on multiple occasions during the second half I shouted, “No way!” I don’t imagine the Patriots will make the same mistakes or go as stagnant as the Chiefs did last week; New England tends to increase their lead in the second half, not blow it. And if I’m wrong, it’ll only be the third time this year. 

Patriots 34-13

Sunday

Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh

As you may have heard, this is a rematch of a Week 5 statement win by the Jaguars. In that game they managed to blowout Pittsburgh 30-9 despite Blake Bortles throwing for only 95 yards. That’s a great sign for Jacksonville seeing as how they only got 85 yards from Blake in their Wild Card win over Buffalo. Looking at that stat it’s hard to imagine how the Jags could’ve beat the Steelers so handily back in October. It’s much easier to comprehend when you realize that Jacksonville had two pick sixes and a 90-yard TD run from Leonard Fournette. Obviously you can’t just call three big plays like that a fluke, but if you remove them from the equation who knows how that first game goes; these two teams are probably still playing! Yes, I know that even if the score had been 9-9 it would have just ended in a tie after overtime. And yes I am aware that Jacksonville missed one of their post-pick six PATs, which means that even without the big plays the score would’ve been 10-9. Forget it! All I’m saying is that I believe in an infinite timeline in which one could theoretically travel back in time to any given moment. So in a manner of speaking these two teams are, in fact, still playing, and will forever be. And even if that’s not true they’ll play again Sunday, so we’ll just see what happens then. Pittsburgh doesn’t have to play totally mistake-free, but if they can avoid the catastrophic plays they fell prey to the first time around, and force Blake Bortles to throw for more than 100 yards they should get the win. 

Steelers 20-13

New Orleans @ Minnesota

These teams met back in Week 1 and the Vikings are hoping this one is a carbon-copy of that contest. Though can we really expect that? I mean the star offensive players for Minnesota in their first match-up were Dalvin Cook and Sam Bradford, and the Saints were trying to figure out how to incorporate Adrian Peterson into their game plan. So clearly things were very different. And I haven’t even gotten to the Coozer yet. Remember the Coozer? He was that party animal the Vikings had on their sideline who kept distracting Drew Brees by making real loud (and convincing) fart noises whenever New Orleans would step to the line of scrimmage. He also slammed brews the entire game and made a pyramid of the empties for players to crash through when they got shoved out of bounds. Everybody was pretty sure that he was violating NFL bylaws, but everybody was absolutely sure that he was totally righteous! I mean a real pounder. Of course, as we all know The Coozer disappeared shortly thereafter when an APB went out in the Minneapolis area for a hit-and-run involving a car registered in his name that had a LOT of illegal pets in the trunk. Needless to say he won’t be a factor this time around. Be that as it may I think homefield advantage, mistake-free offensive play, and a top-notch D will be enough to get the Vikes the win. Or as The Coozer would say, “I hope yer bald, cause we’re about to shit on your heads!” Man, he was great.

Vikings 23-20