NFL Picks - Week 15

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ New York Giants

Seahawks 31-14

Washington @ Atlanta

This battle of NFC foes is going to come down to who wants it more. And by it, I mean the #1 pick in the draft. The winner of this game will take themselves out of the running. Oh wait, that's right, the Redskins have already taken themselves out of the running by trading away their 2014 1st round pick to the Rams. That gives Washington no incentive to lose, yet to their credit they just keep on doing it, and in more embarrassing fashion each week. Last week I picked the Falcons and predicted that I'd live to regret it; this proved to be prophetic as they lost late to the Packers. Fool me once, shame on me. I hate being shamed, so I'll stubbornly stick with Atlanta this week.

Falcons 27-20

Chicago @ Cleveland

It looks like Jay Cutler will be healthy enough to start Sunday, but at this point Josh McCown might give Chicago the best chance to win. Aaaaand, there it is, the statement that was foretold eons ago to cause the ground to open and the Earth to be swallowed whole. We had a good run folks, but now we're all screwed thanks to Josh McCown and his relative success. The Browns will most likely be demoralized after blowing their game against New England last week, I expect a flat effort.

Bears 24-19

Houston @ Indianapolis

It's impressive that the Texans have managed to lose so many in a row without getting blown out. They've dropped their last seven by seven points or less. Meanwhile, the Colts have somehow becomes the first team in the league to clinch their division despite an 8-5 record. I really hope that they were presented with AFC South Champions hats and shirts in the locker room after their loss in Cincinnati last week; furthermore, it would be even better if they really embraced it and started celebrating with champagne. Luck's probably a teetotaler though, so that most likely didn't happen. Indy should get back on track (at least temporarily) against this Houston team already looking towards next season. In other words, look for Luck to lick the lacking Texans looking to lock down the #1 pick.

Colts 26-20

New England @ Miami

The Dolphins avoided a near catastrophe last week in Pittsburgh when Antonio Brown barely stepped out of bounds on the last play of the game after a series of "laterals." The play was kind of a metaphor for their season in that halfway through Richie Incognito showed up and called someone the N word. The Patriots' chances for the remainder of the season took a big hit when Rob Gronkowski's knee blew up last Sunday. Without him, New England is considerably weaker, however, their average IQ is considerably higher.

Dolphins 24-21

Philadelphia @ Minnesota

Adrian Peterson almost broke his ankle last week, which means he probably would have been ready to play a Thursday game. However, with his team out of the playoff race and his future to worry about, er some bull shit, it might be wise to shut him down. Then again, "wise" isn't in the Vikings vocabulary. That's because they speak Scandinavian languages, so really no English is in their vocabulary.

Eagles 28-17

San Francisco @ Tampa Bay

Can Mike Glennon do this? I've learned to stop saying "no" in response to that question. Of course, if the this in question were a back flip I'd probably say no. I mean, c'mon, there's no way this guy's doing a back flip. Can he beat the Niners though? Why the hell not? Don't answer that.

Buccaneers 21-20

Buffalo @ Jacksonville

You're going to call me crazy, which is pretty insensitive considering my history of mental illness, but the Jags could win out and finish 7-9. After this they have a home game against Tennessee, then a Week 17 trip to Indianapolis, who could have nothing to play for at that point. It would be a stunning turn around for a team that looked to be historically bad earlier in the season. So kudos to you Jacksonville, you're now merely mediocre. And that is a testament to what determination and heart can accomplish in today's National Football League.

Jaguars 22-17

Sunday Afternoon

Kansas City @ Oakland

The Chiefs got back on the right track last week with a throttling of the Redskins that sounds more like a hate crime than I'd realized. Meanwhile, Matt McGloin couldn't quite get the job done for the Raiders. Of course, no one has quite got the job done for the Raiders for over 10 years now, so we should probably cut him some slack. And if you're not into cutting slacks then why'd you become a tailor? (Note: the last sentence only applies to those readers who are tailors, or Taylors if you're hearing this being read aloud I suppose, though it wouldn't be nearly as funny)

Chiefs 33-21

New York Jets @ Carolina

Last week I declared that I wouldn't pick the Jets as long as Geno Smith was their starting QB. They proceeded to put up 37 points in a win over Oakland and Geno played pretty well. Of course, that was a much easier match-up than he'll have this week when they travel to Carolina. Specifically North Carolina. If they just get in the plane and say, "Carolina please!" the pilot will probably be more than a little confused and they risk being late to the game. I don't give New York much of a chance even if they do arrive on time.

Panthers 23-9

Green Bay @ Dallas

It looks like Aaron Rodgers will miss yet another game with his broken clllllavicle. That's the bad news for the Packers; the good news is that they're going against a Cowboys' defense that was just embarrassed by Josh McCown (Flames bursting forth from beneath the ground! Run!). Despite that, Jerry Jones stood by his D coordinator Monte Kiffin saying that he is "the right man for the job." Though I suppose he could have been talking about an entirely different job, like creamed corn eater or scariest grandpa. All things considered though, I just don't think Matt Flynn has it in him to get this win on the road against a quality? team.

Cowboys 31-24 

Arizona @ Tennessee

The Cardinals are only 2-4 on the road this season, but the Titans are only 2-4 at home. So in this situation it would make sense to just take the better team. But when have you known me to make sense? The answer is always, I am nothing if not logical. Anyway, I predict that on a pivotal play Ryan Fitzpatrick will slip on a banana peel and fall (kerplunk!) into a puddle making him all wet and ruining his new pants.

Cardinals 27-17

New Orleans @ St. Louis

As if trying to exemplify that they're much better at home, the Saints dominated the Panthers in the Superdome six days after being throttled in Seattle. This game is being played outside of New Orleans, so it figures to at least be competitive. And if there's one team that you can count on to at least be competitive (and nothing more) then it's the Rams (as long as you ignore their recent double digit losses ... damn it Rams).

Saints 24-17

Sunday Night

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh

The Steelers haven't officially been eliminated from the playoffs, but I think we can all agree that they should just go away now. Go on! No one wants you here! Can't you see that!? Of course, they'll probably ruin their poetic exit and win this game, just to be dicks.

Steelers 20-17

Monday Night

Baltimore @ Detroit

What a storied rivalry. I can remember my great grandpeppy settin' me down on his knee and telling me about the first ever match-up between these two squads way back in '98. Just to be clear, that was 1998, and one of only three times they've played each other. Not sure why great grandpeppy enjoyed those games so much, or if he could even see the screen clearly, but I'll be damned if I won't think of him when I'm watching this game. Probably because I'll once again be viewing it from atop his knee. We have an uncomfortably odd relationship. Did I mention we're not actually related?

Lions 30-23

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