NFL Picks - Week 16

Sunday Morning

Miami @ Buffalo

You have to admire that the Dolphins haven't allowed their season to be derailed by a big, fat scumbag. Of course I'm referring to Santa, who publicly announced that he would not be visiting Miami this year. As of right now they're still on the outside of the AFC playoffs due to being on the wrong end of a tie-breaker, but if they win their final two they have a good shot at making it over the Ravens who have a tougher schedule. But traveling to Buffalo to play a football game is never easy. In fact, this time of year traveling anywhere to do anything isn't easy. It's like are you kidding me with these delays? And I don't care what TSA recommends, I ain't showing up three hours before my flight.

Bills 24-21

Minnesota @ Cincinnati

It's MIN vs. CIN and I'm not mincin' words when I proclaim that this will not be the game of the day. Is that statement controversial? Maybe. But guess what, I'm bold as I wanna be; deal with it. The Bengals could actually miss the playoffs if they stumble in their final two games, but with both of them being at home they should be safe. As safe as anyone can be in this barbaric bloodsport.

Bengals 30-22

Indianapolis @ Kansas City

It's a triple P y'all: Possible Playoff Preview. And you know that nothing gets me more jazzed. The Chiefs have exploded offensively over the past four weeks to the tune of 40.5 points per game. What does that tune sound like? Probably similar to this. The Colts have proven more than capable of giving up large amounts of points and I expect nothing less here.

Chiefs 35-27

Tampa Bay @ St. Louis

With their win over the Saints last week the Rams proved that there's still fight in them. Of course, that doesn't do them much good now that they're 6-8, but at least they can hold their head high. Granted, not as high as many of the other teams in the NFL, but they haven't given up. True, it would actually help their draft position if they did give up, but that just isn't the Jeff Fisher way. The Jeff Fisher way seems to be all about getting as close to .500 as possible. Here's one more step in the right direction.

Rams 23-16

Cleveland @ New York Jets

A lot of folks would tell you that this game means nothing.

Jets 20-17

Dallas @ Washington

With the chill of another December comes the inevitable weekly collapse of Tony Romo. Honestly though, isn't it time that we all stop blaming him for these game ruining interceptions? If it weren't for the defense allowing the other team back into the game Romo wouldn't even have to blow it at the end. A lost at Washington could doom Dallas's season and cause many a TV analyst's head to cave in. Fortunately for their brains, I think the Cowboys will manage to get a win.

Cowboys 31-26

New Orleans @ Carolina

Do you like playoff implications? If you don't then why don't you just get the hell out of here right now. I don't have room for lame-o's. If New Orleans wins they will clinch the NFC South title and a first round bye. If the Panthers beat the Saints they only need to win in Atlanta in Week 17 to clinch those aforementioned accolades. The loser of this game will most likely start the playoffs on the road as a wild card. So we're dealing with a lot of shit. We all know that the Saints struggle on the road, and this game happens to be scheduled to be played in Carolina (Charlotte, North Carolina specifically).

Panthers 23-20

Tennessee @ Jacksonville

Ohhhhhh baby. Hold onto your butts! Pump up the volume and raise da roof! This is gonna be a wild ride! Everybody dance now! It's getting hot in here! Footballllll!

Jaguars 27-23

Denver @ Houston

Whatever happened to the Broncos offense last week? Not to mention the milkman, the paper boy, or evening TV. They had to scratch and claw just to get to 20 points and on their final drive Peyton Manning was checking down at a Jason Campbellian pace. Now they have to visit Houston who somehow boasts the second best passing defense in the league. Of course, they also boast a 12 game losing streak. Though, I'm not sure that a 12 game losing streak is something that can be boasted. The Texans won't have to worry about that for long though, because after Sunday it will be 13.

Broncos 35-17

Sunday Afternoon

Arizona @ Seattle

One more win and the Hawks will clinch home field advantage throughout the NFC playoffs. I'm not sure about the team, but I don't see any reason to wait until next week to get that win. And just to prove I mean business I've decided to board a plane and personally stand in the Hawks' Nest to make sure the job gets done.

Seahawks 27-10

New York Giants @ Detroit

The Lions lost control of their destiny last week with a home loss to the Ravens. Now they are subject to the same chaotic happenstance as the rest of us. Their fate is at the mercy of the random machinations of the universe. Good luck guys, if there even is such a thing.

Lions 34-20

Pittsburgh @ Green Bay

Don't look now ... Don't look ... Don't look ... Ok, look look look! The Packers have a winning record again and they only need to win their final two games to become NFC North champs. There's also a chance that Aaron Rodgers will return from his broken clllllavicle injury for one or both of those games. Either way I think Green Bay gets the win this week.

Packers 24-20

Oakland @ San Diego

Even though the Chargers got a big win last Thursday over the Broncos they'll still need a lot of help to make the playoffs. But nobody's going to help you unless you help yourself, and once you do that, you've truly won. That being said, it would really help if the Ravens and Dolphins both lost their last two games.

Chargers 38-24

New England @ Baltimore

The end of the Ravens' 2013 regular season is following the exact opposite trajectory of their 2012 regular season. After starting 9-2 in '12 they stumbled to a 10-6 finish. This season they started 4-6 and have now won four in a row to sit at 8-6 with a legitimate shot at returning to the playoffs to defend their title. They'll most likely get the win this week over a Patriots team that is 3-4 on the road this season.

Ravens 26-23

Sunday Night

Chicago @ Philadelphia

CHI vs. PHI? It's all Greek to me. Thank you everybody, goodnight!

Eagles 30-27

Monday Night

Atlanta @ San Francisco

Whoops, forgot there was one more game. Can ya blame me? I hope this game moves swiftly, I hope it goes quick so we can finally say goodbye to that dump called Candlestick.

49ers 35-10

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