Cincinnati @ Houston
What a battle of QBs: Dalton/Yates. Hold it, doesn't that sound like the name of some wealthy elite from the 1920s? Dalton Yates. I'm pretty sure that was a character in the Great Gatsby. Have I ever read that book? No, but I feel safe in my assumption. I also feel safe in assuming that in this battle of rookie signal callers Andy Dalton will go on the road and get the win.
Detroit @ New Orleans
This is the first game in NFL history to feature a match-up between quarterbacks who have each thrown for over 5,000 yards in that season. Yes, it's Brees/Stafford. Hold it, doesn't Brees Stafford sound like a the name of a stripper? I'm pretty sure that was a character in Showgirls. Have I ever seen that movie? Yes! The image of Jessie Spano's horse-ass is seared into my brain for time eternal. In fact, much like Spano became the hottest dancer in Vegas, the Saints come into the playoffs as the hottest team in the league. It would be shocking if New Orleans lost in the first round, though I think we've all heard that sentence before (I won't bother linking to it ... awww what the hell!)
Atlanta @ New York Giants
A home playoff game would seem like a real advantage to most, but Eli Manning isn't most. Case in point, Eli is 0-2 in his career in home playoff games. My theory is that Eli gets very nervous playing in big games at home, a problem that was spawned by his fear of disappointing his father in backyard games with brothers Cooper and Peyton. Of course, his nervousness was only legitimized when he threw an errant pass that sent a sprawling Cooper into a bramble patch, effectively ending his football career. However, I believe Eli finally sheds this stigma and gets a W because I don't trust the Falcons, and there aren't any bramble patches at MetLife Stadium.
Pittsburgh @ Denver
Well it's come to this, the end of Tebow. His season had to die so that we could enjoy watching football again. So, in a way, he's sacrificing himself. I mean, obviously if he wanted to win he could, but he knows that it would be so boring and methodical that no one would enjoy it. What a selfless act, God bless you Tim Tebow (too late).