NFL Picks - Week 14

Sunday Morning

St. Louis @ Buffalo

The Rams are now 4-0-1 against the NFC West and 1-6 against the rest of the league. This shows that the Rams are only comfortable against familiar foes, they're afraid of anything new or different. It's a classic case of xenophobia. I wouldn't be surprised to see the whole team just shut themselves inside the Edward Jones Dome and refuse to come out. It would be interesting to see how the NFL would handle that, I'm guessing they'd either force St. Louis to forfeit all of their road games or simply make every other team on the schedule play in St. Louis. You might think that would be a decided advantage for the Rams, but that would only be because you've probably never seen nor heard the crowd at the Edward Jones Dome. Either way, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, which won't be this Sunday. The Bills aren't in the NFC West, so the result here should be obvious.

Bills 23-20


Dallas @ Cincinnati

Both of these squadrons are hovering on the precipice of a playoff berth. If football is a game of inches then these teams' postseason dreams may be slapped away by the space of a mere foot-long ruler, like the guilty hands of many a catholic schoolboy.  So tenuous is the grasp that one has on success in today's NFL that it makes you pause to appreciate it when it arrives. Though one should not linger in smelling those roses, for another hungry competitor will surely be nipping at their heels like an icy wind sweeping in off the Ohio River.

Bengals 24-17


Kansas City @ Cleveland

Don't look now but the Cleveland Browns have won back to back games! And you won't be able to look now, because there are 10 early games and only 8 screens at the Shack, which means this one won't even make Corner Screen. But in terms of the true spirit of the title this one has CSATS written all over it. Both teams won last week, which is an encouraging sign, but trust me this game will blow harder than an icy wind sweeping in off the Cuyahoga River.

Browns 28-16


Tennessee @ Indianapolis

Andrew Luck cannot be stopped! Well, he was stopped on 30 passes last week, going 24-54, but that's beside the point. The bottom line is that he brought his team back to win in a nearly miraculous fashion. Especially miraculous when you consider that he managed to do it after throwing 3 interceptions and completing only 44% of his passes, however those stats are inconsequential. A win is a win is a win. And when a win is won like the one the Colts won one week ago you have to take notice.

Colts 23-19


Chicago @ Minnesota

What happened to the Bears defense last week? This happened. When you take that into consideration it's tough to blame them for surrendering back to back long touchdown drives in the 4th quarter and overtime. This week they'll face another formidable offensive force in the form of Adrian Peterson. I phrase it that way because it's highly possible, perhaps even likely that Peterson is an alien or some sort of cyborg programmed to run the football and occasionally fumble. Remember when he tore his ACL last season? You guessed it: anterior cyborg ligament. Peterson has the ability to shred any team he faces, unfortunately for him his quarterback is Christian Ponder. CP, as I've taken to calling him, has averaged 144 yard passing over the last six games, and while he's apt to play much better in home games I just don't think CP will get the job done.

Bears 20-16


Philadelphia @ Tampa Bay

Will the Eagles win another game this season, or will they finish on a 12 game losing streak? It's a question that needs to be asked. And if you're not asking it then you're just not spending enough time thinking about the Eagles. What's your deal? Anyhow, the answer is yes, they will finish the season on a 12 game losing streak, and I'll be watching with morbid curiosity; pretty messed up huh? This game will give the Bucs' playoff push a push in the right direction, however, remaining road games against the Saints and the Falcons will shove the Bucs' playoff push back from whence it came, which is Tampa, so that's gonna suck.

Buccaneers 34-23


Baltimore @ Washington

The Ravens' defense is dropping like flies and the Redskins' offense is flying like drops. Hmm, that didn't work. Baltimore's defensive end/linebacker Terrell Suggs suffered a torn biceps last week and now joins Ray Lewis and Lardarius Webb on the sidelines, along with a lot of other people, like the sound guy who has that plastic dish and a bunch of little goobers who got special access passes. That dwindling defense could spell disaster for the Ravens as they head to D.C. to take on the red-hot Redskins. But the major question mark going into Sunday is Will the Ravens take a bus to get to this game? My guess is yes. It seems like it would be a waste to fly right? Maybe they'll all just meet up outside of their facility and call a bunch of van cabs. But that presents another question, Will the front office foot the bill? If not, those players better have cash on them because sure most taxis have the capability to take debit or credit cards but most drivers get real pissy about it.

Redskins 20-17 


Atlanta @ Carolina

When you look at the records for these two teams you might assume that this game will be a blowout. Well, sometimes records lie; like they say they'll be somewhere and then they don't show up. Look, I get it you're busy, but just call me and tell me you can't make it so I'm not standing outside the restaurant like an idiot. What's more is I made a reservation, they were holding a table for us that two other (honest) people could have used. So yeah, records aren't always so reliable. The Falcons have won repeatedly in close games this season but I think it might be time for their luck to run out in an upset loss.

Panthers 24-20


New York Jets @ Jacksonville

Somehow after all of the calamity of their first 12 games the Jets are only two games out of the playoffs. Of course, there's only four games left to go, so if they want to have a chance they'll have to win them all. That's a slate of @ JAX, @ TEN, SD, @ BUF, so a winning streak isn't out of the question ... for a good team, or even a decent team, neither of which is something I would refer to the Jets as. So yeah, they're screwed, I don't know why I spent all that time considering their chances, or why you read this, hopefully you didn't. Sorry old boy!

Jaguars 19-13


San Diego @ Pittsburgh

I know what you're all thinking: rematch of the 1995 AFC Championship Game! You just know that Stan Humphries and Natrone Means will be tossing back a few Molson's and talking about the good ol' days while watching this one. They'll probably leave out the part where they got pasted in the Super Bowl, because depression and Molson's is not a good combo, just ask millions of Canadians waiting for the NHL lockout to end. Word out of Pittsburgh is that Ben Roethlisberger will play which is good news for every player on the Steelers, especially Charlie Batch who won't have an opportunity to lead the team to a win and embarrassingly weep afterward. Just think, if every quarterback who beat the Chargers this year cried as much as Charlie Batch did last week we'd probably all be knee deep in saline right now.

Steelers 28-14


Sunday Afternoon

Miami @ San Francisco

The Miami Dolphins are visiting San Francisco  this Sunday, which is good news for the 49ers, because the Miami Dolphins are not the St. Louis Rams. Though I haven't seen those two teams in the same place since they played each other in Week 6, so can we really know that there isn't some sort of team swapping conspiracy going on? Look, I'm just saying we don't know that there's not. Assuming these Dolphins really are the Dolphins I don't give them much of a chance on Sunday.

49ers 23-9


New Orleans @ New York Giants

If you employ simple algebra to this game the New's will cancel each other out leaving us with a match-up of Orleans vs. York. And as we all know York owns Orleans historically. Coming off a 5 interception game Drew Brees should be eager to redeem himself, perhaps too eager. Expect to see the Orleans QB to force a lot of throws down field again this week, and while the results may be better than they were against Atlanta they still won't be good enough.

Giants 31-24


Arizona @ Seattle

Ryan Lindley has officially been benched by Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt. Thanks a pantload! Man I was really looking forward to big Ry taking snaps at the CLink, unfortunately the Hawks will have to deal with John "Bones" Skelton instead. Will this, combined with the absence of Brandon Browner lead to Arizona ending their 8 game losing streak? Well there you have it. With the emergence of Russell Wilson as the most dominant force in all of sport look for a Hawks win.

Seahawks 28-10


Sunday Night

Detroit @ Green Bay

The Packers have played twice on Sunday night so far this season. The first time they gave the Texans their first (and, to date, lone) loss of the season, beating them by 18 in Houston. The second time the Giants blew them out by 28 in New York. So what should we expect from their third foray into Sunday night? Expect the unexpected. Of course, if the unexpected is what you expect then it becomes the expected, in kind the unexpected would become what one would normally expect; so I'll just tell you what I expect and then you can choose whether to expect or unexpect that.

Packers 31-20


Monday Night

Houston @ New England

Buckle up your chinstraps, we've got a good one here! And I have just one question for you: What are you doing with a helmet on? Is this how you always watch football games, or is it just for Monday nights? Either way it's pretty lame. The Texans have answered every challenge they've had placed before them this season, except for when they faced Aaron Rodgers. This week they have to face Tom Brady, another elite quarterback whom I expect to give Houston plenty of trouble. It's not likely that he'll match the 6 TDs that Rodgers dumped on the Texans, but how about 3? Does that float your boat you sick, helmet-wearing freak?

Patriots 28-17