NFL Picks - Week 16

Saturday Night

Atlanta @ Detroit

The Falcons need one more win to clinch home field advantage throughout the NFC playoffs, and for a team that's currently undefeated at home, that is quite the incentive to get a victory in Detroit. As for the Lions, their only incentive to win is to save Turbo Redface's (Jim Schwartz's) job. So in other words, the Detroit players will try their damnedest to lose, which is what they appeared to do last week against the Cardinals when they gave up 38 points to a team who'd averaged less than 11 over their previous nine games (all losses). So clearly there's something wrong in Detroit, and I don't just mean the city, because everything is wrong with that, no I'm referring specifically to the football team. I don't see things getting turned around now.

Falcons 30-17


Sunday Morning

New Orleans @ Dallas

The Cowboys have won five of their last six and are oddly close to being a consistent football team, which means they're due for a big letdown. And you know what they say, way too much, "Everything's bigger in Texas!" so this letdown will be one to behold. However, we should consider that they also say, "Don't mess with Texas," in fact they print it on giant billboards, billboards that are much bigger than ones in say, New Hampshire, because as we all know, everything's bigger in Texas. But if there's one man that can mess with Texas it's Drew Brees, a native Texan with a big arm, an arm so big it could only be from Texas, because everything's bigger in Texas.

Saints 38-35


Tennessee @ Green Bay

The Packers ground out another victory last week and now they sit at #3 in the NFC with a 10-4 record and a chance to get a first round bye when all is said and done. But would that be such a good thing? The Packers had a playoff bye last season and they were one and done, while the previous season they were the #6 seed and managed to win the Super Bowl. Now I know what you're thinking, could we see Green Bay purposefully lose a game to ensure that they get some first round action? "First round action?" Why did you phrase it like that? I get that it was supposed to sound slick, but you just came off like a real lame-o, I mean a first rate jerk, a bona fide dweeb. Anyway, the answer is yes they'll try to lose on purpose, but the Titans will see right through them and, in the interest of protecting the integrity of the game, try even harder to lose. Nice try Packers, but you have to wake up pretty early in the morning to lose to Tennessee, just ask Mark Sanchez, he got up at like 4:30 in the morning last Monday.

Packers 31-14


Indianapolis @ Kansas City

The Chiefs were shut out last week by the Raiders. That's like getting turned down by a prostitute, and not one of those high class numbers either, I'm talking real low-rent. Consider that Oakland had given up 31 points per game before last week. Now re-consider it. While you're considering you might as well consider that Kansas City only managed 7 first downs and 119 total yards in that game. In other words, the Week 15 effort from the Chiefs is getting my award for Worst Offensive Performance of the Year. Congrats Brady Quinn, you've finally won something.

Colts 27-9


Buffalo @ Miami

It's a divisional showdown being played in Miami, the southeast corner of the United States. Fitting, because this game will be playing on the Corner Screen at the Shack.

Dolphins 23-16


San Diego @ New York Jets

The Jets' season officially came to a merciful end Monday night when Mark Sanchez unfurled a masterpiece of futility. I'm sure it was made all the more uncomfortable with the judgmental eyes of Tim Tebow staring into his soul from the sideline. Hopefully Tebow makes Sanch realize that his carousing with various New York socialites has led him down a path of moral corruption and career destruction. If Sanch listens to him there's a chance he can return to a starting role next season. Just look at what happened with Greg McElroy, Tebow warned him that too much masturbating makes your hand grow scales, and now he's QB1.

Chargers 20-17


Washington @ Philadelphia

Look out for the Eagles, they've only lost one in a row. These days in Philly that qualifies as a hot streak. If you're looking for more of a real hot streak, look no further than the Redskins, who have won five in a row and seemingly can't go wrong at QB. But if you're looking for really hot streaks, just go back and watch any game Pam Oliver worked for the first few months of the season. P.O.'s 'do totally popped with some red highlights that really had to be seen to be appreciated.

Redskins 27-14


Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh

This is the critical game in the race for the final AFC wild card spot. If the Bengals win they clinch a playoff berth, but the Steelers control their own destiny and all they have to do is win this game and their Week 17 match-up against Cleveland to get in. So it's safe to say that this is the critical game in the race for the final AFC wild card spot. In fact, I feel like I already said that. Yep, I just read over the last couple sentences, and I did, in fact, say it. Well good, it's a factual statement, I'm glad I brought it up and reiterated it. Pittsburgh is reeling, having dropped four of their last five while Cincinnati has won five of their last six. But if you look closer at the Bengals' hot streak four of their wins came against awful opponents, so I'm not sure it proves their mettle. Surprisingly the Steelers have the top defense in the league yardage-wise, and I think that will be the difference in a close game. So just to be clear, yardage will be the difference, which I guess means that the Bengals won't get into field goal range at the end of the game ... I guess.

Steelers 16-13


St. Louis @ Tampa Bay

The Rams are still technically alive in the playoff race, which is somewhat ironic because three players on their current roster graduated from ITT Technical Institute. To be fair, St. Louis is vastly improved over their 2011 incarnation even if it appears that it will take a minor miracle to get them into the playoffs. But hey, if there's one thing Jeff Fisher knows about it's miracles. Not only was he coaching the Titans when they pulled off the Music City Miracle, but his favorite movie is the 2008 Spike Lee joint Miracle at St. Anna. By all other accounts that was a mediocre film, but don't tell that to Jeff Fisher, and don't tell him his Rams can't still make it to the postseason. By the way, I'm picking the Bucs.

Buccaneers 20-16


Oakland @ Carolina

Cam Newton and the Panthers offense is on fire! And it only took until December. It's a classic case of too little too late. Actually it's more like too much too late. But let's just focus on the too late part, that's the operative phrase here. Hopefully for their sake Carolina can get things in gear a lot quicker next season or else it could cost Ron Rivera his job ... Just kidding, he'll be gone by New Year's.

Panthers 38-20


New England @ Jacksonville

The Jaguars are locked in a neck and neck race with the Chiefs for the first pick in the 2013 draft. Both teams currently stand at 2-12 (though I suppose 'stand' is too dignified a word to use for teams that are 2-12, maybe they lay at 2-12? Or better yet, cower! Yeah, both teams cower at 2-12) and with the next worst team at 4-10 it will almost assuredly be one of those aforementioned squads selecting first come April. Jacksonville gets a favor from Howard Katz this week as a pissed off Patriots team comes to town looking to get a bad taste out of its collective mouth; and for once it has nothing to do with Vince Wilfork farting on the plane ride, though I imagine that can only make the taste in their mouths worse.

Patriots 45-21


Minnesota @ Houston

This is the only morning game to feature two teams with winning records (way to go Katz). It's also a match-up of two of the game's top running backs, three if you include Toby Gerhart, which I would consider doing. Even though both of these teams need a win to improve their playoff situations the main storyline heading into this game is Adrian Peterson and his quest to break Eric Dickerson's single season rushing record. If he averages 147 yards per game over the Vikings last two he'll have it. Maybe it's not smart to doubt him at this point, but I don't think he'll get that against a Texans team who's 5th against the run and will hopefully be challenging Christian Ponder to beat them down the field. I say hopefully because it's always funny to watch Christian Ponder try to beat teams down the field.

Texans 27-19
 

Sunday Afternoon

Cleveland @ Denver

The Broncos are operating like a well-oiled machine, but sometimes a machine gets too oiled and ends up creating a huge mess. This is exactly what happened to Green Bay in the playoffs last year. They were an overly-oiled machine. I think Denver still fits into the well-oiled category but there's no telling when a spill might happen, and when it does it will cause problems for the Broncos; and not just for their offense, Peyton Manning's favorite duck will probably die too. When can the drilling stop? When will it be enough CalStar!? (Boy this one came off the rails pretty quickly, maybe I've become an overly-oiled machine!)

Broncos 38-17


Chicago @ Arizona

The Bears are in full-blown free-fall mode. Which, in case you're wondering, looks like this. But, much like that clip, this game against the Cardinals could provide something of a soft landing. Of course, it's only a matter of time before the Bears come crashing back to earth, just like that clip. For now they'll keep their playoff hopes alive because Ryan Lindley.

Bears 20-10


New York Giants @ Baltimore

Speaking of free-falls, the Ravens have dropped three in a row, however, free-falls aren't such a big deal for them because they're Ravens. The Giants have also come upon hard times, losing four of their last six, and if the playoffs started today they would not be involved. But isn't this exactly what they want? Now that we're all questioning them they'll inevitably sneak into the playoffs and win another Super Bowl. What a bunch of vondrukes.

Giants 24-21


Sunday Night

San Francisco @ Seattle

Let's throw out the analysis (What!? On this blog?). I've had enough of losing to the 49ers, it's official. The Seahawks need to put a stop to it Sunday night. And with Russell at the helm, now is the time. I've heard a lot of talk about people jumping on the "Russell Wilson bandwagon" over the last month or so; well there's no longer a Russell Wilson bandwagon, it's a fucking tank. Jump on or get flattened. KAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWW! (that was a Seahawk shriek)

Seahawks 23-19