Sunday Morning
Tampa Bay @ Atlanta
Congratulations
to the Falcons who have clinched the top seed in the NFC. It's probably a
good idea for them to rest their players this week to allow the team to
get as stale as possible so that they come out and sleepwalk through
their home playoff game. Of course, that's the nightmare scenario for
every Atlanta fan, but it's ok because I've never met an Atlanta fan and
neither have you, so if that does happen you won't have anyone in your
life that you'll need to feel bad for. I expect the Falcons' starters to
play for about a half in an attempt to keep some semblance of a rhythm
going and maintain their undefeated record at home. And against a
Buccaneers team that appears to be giving no effort, half an effort
should be enough to get the job done.
Falcons 20-17
New York Jets @ Buffalo
Greg
McElroy had a good run as the Jets starter, but after one week on the
job he's back to the bench as the result of a concussion. Little did you
know that McElroy gave himself the injury on purpose by doing this
after experiencing life as the starting quarterback of the 2012 New
York Jets. I can't blame the guy, in fact, I'm surprised Sanchez hasn't
done the same thing yet, though I guess running directly into your
lineman's ass is in the same vein.
Bills 17-13
Baltimore @ Cincinnati
If
everything shakes out correctly this could be a preview of a wild card
playoff game. And if everything plays out incorrectly, the teams will
come to the field and play baseball. But if I had to stake my reputation
on one of the aforementioned scenarios happening, I'd go with the
former. Coincidentally, the Bengals were involved the last time there
was a Week17/Wild Card rematch, it took place in the 2009 season when it
happened an astounding three times! It was such a remarkable repeat of
the prior week that I, for one, remember believing that I'd traveled
backwards in time. I attempted to warn my past self about the Lincoln
assassination in an effort to prevent it from happening, but alas, I
learned that one cannot change what has already happened, especially if
it happened in 1865, and no actual time travel was involved to begin
with. Cincinnati has nothing to gain with a victory, except for their
pride ...
Ravens 19-16
Chicago @ Detroit
The Bears
need a win to have a shot at the playoffs while the Lions need a loss to
keep themselves in position for a top 5 pick in the draft. If Chicago
agrees to throw in at least 108 yards receiving for Calvin Johnson to
get him past 2,000 I don't see any reason that the Lions won't just roll
over. Well actually the one good reason is that you've been training
that damn lion for the last three months and he still won't roll over.
Sure he'll sit, or speak, or even fetch you the morning paper, but for
whatever reason that son of a bitch will just not roll over! Other than that though it should be an easy win for the Bears.
Bears 28-17
Jacksonville @ Tennessee
A more
cowardly writer might be afraid to remind you that he picked the Titans
to make the playoffs before the season started; well I'm not that
writer! Though I should note that that more cowardly writer is much
better than I am, I mean week in week out he's offering up fabulous
insight about the game without fail, really a top-notch read. What went
wrong for Tennessee this year is easier to figure out than what I
thought might have gone right. But with a Jaguars team desperate for a
loss coming to town the Titans should be able to salvage a 6-10 record,
for which I would like to congratulate them mockingly. But when it comes
right down to it, I'm the one who should be mocked for believing in
them. They should throw a dunce cap on me and banish me to the corner
where I'll be able to look up and see this game playing on THE CORNER
SCREEN AT THE SHACK!
Titans 23-16
Houston @ Indianapolis
The
Texans' playoff position within the AFC is still very much up in the
air. If they win they're #1, but if they lose, look out. Wins from the
Broncos and Patriots would leave Houston as the #3 seed and without a
first round bye. It's safe to say that they'll need a better effort than
they had last week when they lost 23-6 at home to the Vikings. The
Colts, meanwhile, are locked into the #5 seed, so why would they bother
to give it their all? For the game, damn it! For integrity! For every
guy that didn't quite have what it took to make it. For every child who
still dares to dream. That's why the Colts will come out on Sunday and give 100%. Anyhow, I'm going with Houston.
Texans 23-20
Carolina @ New Orleans
The
fight is on for 2nd place in the NFC South. Who wants the slightly
tougher schedule next year? We're going to find out on Sunday. My guess
is that the Saints will come out on top to finish their season at an
even 8-8, which this intrepid writer is not afraid to remind you is
exactly what he predicted they would be before the start of the season. I
can feel your pats on my back as I type; some of you are patting too
low; seriously, knock it off.
Saints 34-24
Philadelphia @ New York Giants
The
Giants are still clinging desperately to their playoff hopes, like a
man overboard gripping a piece of wreckage just to stay afloat. However,
I get the feeling that New York will somehow pull a Billy Zane and just
force their way onto a lifeboat at gunpoint. A lot of things have to
fall right for the Giants, but first things first, they must beat the
Eagles in Andy Reid's likely finale as head coach. New York has the look
of a team that's given up, but Philadelphia has the look of a team that
gave up two months ago. So, with all due respect to the Giants, why
don't you leave it to the experts on this one.
Giants 31-23
Cleveland @ Pittsburgh
The
wheels have come off for the Steelers who started the season 6-3 and now
sit at 7-8 with no hope of weaseling their way into the playoffs. A win
on Sunday would get them to .500 for the year and save a little bit of
face (maybe the nose? Yeah, they'll save nose). And that shouldn't be
too much for Pittsburgh fans to ask considering the Browns will likely
have to start Thad Lewis, a guy who doesn't even have a number listed by
his name on the espn.com roster. Oh, and he also went to Duke, so c'mon.
Steelers 24-6
Sunday Afternoon
St. Louis @ Seattle
What
happens when an unstoppable force meets a fairly movable object? We'll
find out on Sunday when the Rams travel to the CLink to face the
wrecking ball that is the Seattle Seahawks. Of course, after such an
unreal three game stretch it might be natural to expect a letdown from
the Hawks, but that would require Russell Wilson to let me down, which
I'm just not ready to accept. The Hawks are in a full sprint towards the
playoffs and they're only getting stronger.
Seahawks 34-10
Oakland @ San Diego
Yuck, I
just caught a whiff of this game and I could use a courtesy flush. I
find it more than a little hilarious that when the Raiders' opened the
season at 3-4 it wound up qualifying as a hot start. I'm really hoping
that the San Diego fans don't sell this game out so that I don't have to
bother looking at it.
Chargers 31-13
Arizona @ San Francisco
This
week will really test the mettle of Jaw Sweatshirt and his 49ers. After
a total, complete decimation in all phases of the game will they be
able to look themselves in the mirror, let alone play a competent
football game? Can San Francisco muster enough will power to fight back
after they were utterly dominated last week in the deafening and
poo-pants inducing noise of CenturyLink Field? No.
Cardinals 17-16
Green Bay @ Minnesota
Playoff
implications abound in this NFC North finale. If the Packers win they
earn the #2 seed and a first round bye. If the Vikings win they will be
the #6 seed and probably be facing Green Bay again next week. Need some
more intrigue? Jeez, you really like your intrigue don't you? Adrian
Peterson needs 208 yards to break Eric Dickerson's single season rushing
record. While that's a tall order, it should be noted that he amassed
210 yards in these teams' first meeting four weeks ago in Green Bay. If
Peterson does top that you can expect a Vikings victory, however, I
expect neither of these things to happen.
Packers 24-20
Miami @ New England
All of a
sudden the Patriots seem off their game. They gave up 41 points at home
in a loss to the 49ers two weeks ago and they eked out a win over the
Jaguars last week. Most coaches would say, "A win is a win." But this
team is coached by Bill Belichick who says, "A win is a win, I guess,
you pussies." Clearly some things have to get straightened out for New
England before the playoffs, but even a shaky effort should be enough
this Sunday.
Patriots 27-17
Kansas City @ Denver
The Broncos are on fire. If that image
of a burning horse isn't frightening enough, consider that they've won
10 in a row, with no game being closer than seven points. While it has
been a fairly easy schedule for them, that kind of consistency is still
impressive. A win here coupled with a Texans loss will give Denver the
#1 seed and make them the prohibitive Super Bowl favorite, if they
aren't already.
Broncos 38-10
Sunday Night
Dallas @ Washington
Who
will win the NFC East? One of these teams, that's for sure. RG3 didn't
seem to be at full strength last week, but even if he's 75% as good as
he was during his Thanksgiving Day dismantling of the Cowboys it will
probably be enough to get the win on Sunday night. I feel like this is
the third or fourth time that Tony Romo's been involved in a win and
you're in situation in Week 17, and if memory serves he hasn't been very
successful in the past. There's no time to actually research that, so
let's just roll with the lessons of my (mis)remembered history.
Redskins 27-20
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