NFL Picks - Week 2

Sunday Morning

Houston @ Carolina

Time to do some quick deductive reasoning. The Texans lost their opener at home, while the Panthers won on the road. Naturally this means that the Panthers should be victorious when these two meet in Carolina. Yeah, naturally ... But there ain't nothing natural about me baby! For instance, did you see that last sentence? Terrible grammar! deal with it! One thing I have in common with Dennis Rodman is that I'm bad as I want to be. Also, neither of us have ever really gotten over Carmen Electra.

Texans 19-16

San Francisco @ Pittsburgh

The 49ers' Monday night win over Minnesota was hard to watch. Not so much because of the sloppy play, or the fact that the Niners won, the real issue was the unholy announcing alliance of Chris Berman and Trent Dilfer. And really, Berman wasn't even that bad. Sure he attempted to squeeze in a few of his cliched quips, but he barely had time to speak in between Dilfer's orgasms. I legitimately think there's a chance that Dilfer is Colin Kaepernick's birth father. Luckily, we as a nation won't have to deal with this booth of nightmares for another year; until then we'll prepare as best we can.

Steelers 21-17

Tampa Bay @ New Orleans

Jameis Winston? More like Lame-is Winston! That's what I would yell if I were in the Superdome this Sunday. Really rattle his cage to see how the rook handles the heat. My guess is he'd start to cry, and possibly even soil himself a bit. Then again, he might not even hear me, because it would probably be pretty loud in there, not to mention my imaginary seats aren't that close to the field. Even without my cutting remark I'll guess that the Saints snap their 5 game home losing streak and get their first win in the Superdome since last October.

Saints 31-20

Detroit @ Minnesota

After watching the Vikings play on Monday night I'm starting to think I made a huge mistake by picking them to make the playoffs. Obviously one game isn't much to judge a team on, but boy oh boy did their offensive game plan leave much to be desired. They looked like a Madden opponent on Easy. I'm not going to fully jump off their bandwagon just yet, but let's just say that we've stopped for the bandwagon for the night and I'm walking around the camp to see if anybody else has better pelts.

Lions 24-21

Arizona @ Chicago

The Bears looked competent for long stretches of last Sunday's game against the Packers. Sadly, for Chicago, this is news. Unsurprisingly, they ended up blowing it in the end, which was to be expected. Of course, I always expect the unexpected, so for me it wasn't expected, which I guess would make it unexpected ... Which is what I always expect. Uhhhh ... Now I don't know what to expect.

Bears 23-19

New England @ Buffalo

Rex Ryan joked in a press conference that only King Kong could cover Rob Gronkowski one-on-one. But I wonder, if King Kong were actually available would Rex really want to put him in a one-on-one coverage situation? For a minute let's set aside semantics, like the custom uniform/helmet that would need to be created, and focus on what he'd actually be like on the field. First of all, it would be nearly impossible for the rest of the defense to communicate with him, unless they taught Kong sign language, a la Koko. Secondly, I have to imagine Kong would be far too physical with Gronk, incurring multiple, if not countless, penalties. And finally, how do you beat a 30 foot tall ape? The play-action fake. It's well known around the league that Kong let's his eyes wander into the backfield too much, resulting in him being easily baited by misdirection. Just be sure that you combo that with a crossing route and not a deep ball because, well, he's 30 feet tall, you're not going to get the ball over the top on him.

Bills 23-20  

San Diego @ Cincinnati

The Bengals cruised to an easy Week 1 victory last Sunday. Sure it was against the Raiders, but it still counts, right? Checking ... Yes, it still counts. The last couple of seasons I haven't expected much from Cincinnati, yet they've ended up doing pretty well and making he playoffs. I realize now that the reason I underestimate them is because of their performance once they get to the playoffs. Their lackluster losses leave a bad taste in my mouth. It's almost like when you get sick and you never again want to eat whatever you ate just beforehand. It's not that that food is bad, you just don't want it near you for a while because of the sense memory. So in other words, Andy Dalton makes me violently ill.

Bengals 27-23

Tennessee @ Cleveland

Off the field Marcus Mariota and Johnny Manziel are seemingly polar opposites. The former a soft-spoken, straight-laced square; the latter a wild child party boy. And while on the field they're both athletic Heisman winners who are prone to scramble if the situation calls for it, or even sometimes when it doesn't, in Johnny's case, it's clear that Manziel is still the more volatile of the two. Even one game in Mariota already seems more composed. I imagine that the interesting dynamic between the two would make for a fantastic sitcom. Though most of the show would take place away from the field, of course, for budgetary reasons, the guys would still be in full uniform throughout. Give it a funny name like The Odd Couple and I think we've really got something here. I'm not sure we can fully believe what we saw from these teams in Week 1, but Tennessee looked so good and Cleveland looked so bad that I really have no choice.

Titans 26-21

Atlanta @ New York Giants

Rashad Jennings was pretty upset that Eli Manning told him not to score on a 2nd & Goal late in the Giants' Week 1 loss to Dallas. Yet I think the important thing for Jennings to remember is that he had no chance of scoring on the play regardless of whether or not he wanted to due to heavy penetration from the Cowboys. It's an interesting tactic though; if I were Jennings I'd blame all of my non TD-yielding carries on the fact that no one told me to score. Both of these teams scored 26 points in their opening contest, with only one being victorious. Alas, football is a fickle beast. It brings to mind the classic Vince Lombardi quote: "Sometimes 26 points is enough, sometimes it ain't. Ya never know. Dat's why I love dis game!"

Giants 30-27

St. Louis @ Washington

This trip to our nation's capital will be a big one for the Rams. Not so much because of the game, but more so because these fresh faced youngsters will get to see first hand how democracy works when they tour the floor of the Senate. Not to mention the chance to see some of our most inspirational national landmarks. I hope these boys appreciate and take advantage of this special opportunity.

Rams 26-17

Sunday Afternoon

Miami @ Jacksonville

Well it turns out I should have let you talk me out of my Jaguars pick last week. For some reason I always give them too much credit. Maybe it's because I assume they'll have a chip on their collective shoulder as a result of being forced to play in the league's worst uniforms. On the bright side their defense didn't look awful (And keep in mind, when I say "look" I'm not trying to imply that I watched one snap of their game, because I didn't, hopefully we're clear on that). From what I've seen of this team (again, literally nothing) they are moving, albeit slowly, in the right direction. They most likely won't get a win this week, but I'll be watching closely (definitely not) to see what progress they've made.

Dolphins 24-13

Baltimore @ Oakland

Last week when Derek Carr went down the Raiders were forced to turn, once again, to Matt McGloin. Look, I'm not one to root for injuries, but whenever McGloin gets to see the field it gives me the chance to shout "McGloin!" a la George C. Scott from The Simpsons. So if Carr feels like he needs to rest that bruised thumb a little longer I'm all for it. For his health and for more McGloin!

Ravens 31-17

Dallas @ Philadelphia

There was much grumbling over the fact that DeMarco Murray only had 9 yards rushing in his Eagles debut. But hey, he had two touchdowns, and all he needed was 9 yards. That's efficiency folks. That's the Chip Kelly system (that fact that one of the TDs was a reception is of no matter). Now Murray gets a chance to keep his insane yards per TD rate under 5 when he faces his old team. You know I'm talking about the Cowboys when I say "his old team," right? I mean I didn't feel it necessary to waste time and space by typing that out, it's pretty obvious. It says Dallas @ Philadelphia right above this, so it should be clear. Also, Murray has only played on one other NFL team before this. Or did you think that the Eagles were going to be playing the Oklahoma Sooners this Sunday? Is that what you thought? That the NFL and the NCAA got together and decided to play a historical cross promotional game and that this is the first you're hearing about it?!? That's not what you thought, right? Ok good, because that would be ridiculous. I'm glad we cleared this up. Anyway, I'll take the home team.

Eagles 30-23

Sunday Night

Seattle @ Green Bay

It's that time of the week again folks! Let's hear from Sunday Night Football's own Cris Collinsworth (quick note: We still weren't able to get video of Mr. Collinsworth because of continued webcam issues.)

While I value your opinion CC, I disagree with it vehemently. Also, I should point out that he said the Seahawks haven't given up 34 points in a game since 2010. Really they haven't given up more than 34 in a game since 2010. Don't sweat it CriColl, we all make mistakes!

Seahawks 28-25

Monday Night

New York Jets @ Indianapolis

After watching their Week 1 performance you might be thinking it's time for me to pump the brakes on my Colts Super Bowl prediction. Well guess what? I already made the pick! Ain't no brakes on this one! We're hurdling unrestrained and inevitably toward the future. As for an Indy team looking for its first win, there's no time like the present.

Colts 24-14

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