NFL Picks - Week 3

Before we get started I'd just like to acknowledge what happened last week. I correctly picked two straight up winners in sixteen games. It was the worst thing I've ever done. I'm sure some would argue to the contrary, but it's like I've always said, "Manslaughter ain't murder." I've spent the last few days taking a long, hard look at myself in an effort to make sure something like this never happens again. At first I figured I needed to do more analysis, but then I reconsidered. After all, I could have flipped a coin and done better. So maybe the answer is to do even less analysis ... And that's exactly what I'm going to do!

Sunday Morning

Atlanta @ Dallas

With a rash of injuries to their skill position players it might be time to see if the Cowboys' superb offensive line can truly win a game on their own. They will simply snap the ball onto the ground a yard behind the line of scrimmage then form a protective circle around it and slowly move down the field in unison with military-like precision. The refs will then inform them that this is illegal. Then they'll lose, because they don't have a plan B.

Falcons 21-13

Indianapolis @ Tennessee

Is it officially time for the people of Indianapolis to start worrying? Yes, those potholes aren't going to fix themselves. When are the politicians in that town going to step up and do something about it? I'll tell ya when, just as soon as the people demand it. In a democracy such as ours, we have only ourselves to blame. As for their football team, whoa boy do they look like a steamy pile. I figure they have to win this one, right? Who knows? I'm no longer pretending to.

Colts 27-20

Oakland @ Cleveland

It's a rematch of the NBA Finals, except this time it's being played between two entirely different teams, in a different sport. So in reality, there's not much weight to that comparison ... or this game. Derek Carr has to get his first road win sometime, right? I mean it would be ridiculous (hilarious) if he went his whole career without one.

Raiders 30-24

Cincinnati @ Baltimore

The Ravens will be out for revenge on Sunday because, as we all know, they were swept by the Bengals last season. Oh, you didn't know that? Well neither did I, I had to look it up. But I'll bet the Ravens remember. Though, there are most likely a handful of new players on the team that wouldn't remember it; but I have to imagine they were informed of the situation. And if that's the case I expect their emotion to carry them.

Ravens 28-24

Jacksonville @ New England

I now realize I can't trust the Jaguars. And I'm not just talking about that ill-fated safari I took! But seriously folks, I don't really know what to make of this team. I should probably watch one of their games at some point. I joked about it last week, but I'm going to make it a goal of mine to actually catch a few plays this time around. I'll definitely watch some of this game if it's close down the stretch ... which I don't expect it to be. So see ya next week Jags?

Patriots 35-21 

New Orleans @ Carolina

Will Drew Brees play? Does it matter? Brees has not been as effective this season. However, the Saints' back-up is Luke McCown, who has not been effective since Louisiana Tech. Even if Brees does play I feel like he'll be a shell of his former self, meaning that if he's hit hard he'll crack immediately.

Panthers 23-17

Philadelphia @ New York Jets

DeMarco Murray currently has 11 yards rushing on the season. I almost rushed for 11 yards from my bed to my bathroom when I woke up today. That might seem like an unfair comparison until you consider that I broke three tackles on my way there.

Jets 17-13

Tampa Bay @ Houston

Another week and another lackluster performance from the Texans' offense. At some point after flip-flopping his starting quarterback for the tenth time or so Bill O'Brien will realize that neither of them is a true QB1, and that either way he won't be getting much out of that position. Will one of them be good enough to get the job done at home against Tampa? Sure, why not? Like I said earlier, I have no idea anymore.

Texans 20-17

San Diego @ Minnesota

This is the second consecutive 10am game for the Chargers, a tough task for most West coast squads. They have to be pretty bummed to be waking up this early. They're like the doofus in college who schedules early classes every day of the week. At a certain point you stop feeling bad for them. They can claim all they want that it frees up the rest of their day to whatever they feel, but I'll tell you what it doesn't free up, and that's your nights for partying. Quit being lame Chargers, just blow off this game and come to the kegger with us.

Vikings 24-21 

Pittsburgh @ St. Louis

For some this game will conjure up images of the Super Bowl XIV match-up between these two teams. Not for me though, I've never watched it. In fact, I've never watched anything that was filmed or took place before I was born. Godfather? Never seen it. Citizen Kane? Closed my eyes during film school. The moon landing? I'll believe it when I see it ... which I won't because it was 1969. Look, if I were meant to see any of this stuff I would have been born earlier. I expect this one to get a little wild.

Rams 30-28

Sunday Afternoon

San Francisco @ Arizona

Two old foes meet in a showdown in the desert, just like the Roadrunner and Wile E Coyote. I suppose in this scenario Kaepernick would be the roadrunner, because he looks almost exactly like him. Then again that would imply that Kaepernick is clever, so maybe it isn't the most accurate comparison. All I know is that someone is going to fall and poof into a cloud of dust, because the field outside the numbers at University of Phoenix Stadium is mostly dirt. 

Cardinals 23-13

Buffalo @ Miami

Over the last three meetings between these teams Bills kicker Dan Carpenter has made 12 field goals. So if you're deciding between kickers for your fantasy team, start Dan Carpenter! Also, if you have more than one kicker, stop playing fantasy football! The other people in the league are laughing at you behind your back. Do the honorable thing and just get out now. 

Bills 19-16

Chicago @ Seattle

This one has the makings of a squash match, so let's move on to a more pressing issue. Sleepless in Seattle the movie was released in 1993, which means that sports headline writers have been using that phrase for 22 years now in reference to anything involving a Seattle sports team; sometimes with no context whatsoever. I saw it just this week on NFL Network. STOP IT! It's not clever. Even attempting to make a pun out of it is well worn territory at this point. No more "Sweepless in Seattle" or "Jeepless in Seattle" (though I would be slightly interested to see what that article was about). I won't stand for it, and neither should any of you. If you see it happening take action. Snap a picture and tweet it at the guilty party with a plea or demand for them to stop (or send it my way: @erikandersen_ and I'll see to it that someone is shamed). Once we get this solved we can delve into the Pike Place Market fish throwing B-roll that has been seen coming back from break during every Hawks game ever.

Seahawks 38-6

Sunday Night

Denver @ Detroit

Guess who's back, back again, CriColl's back, tell a friend (seriously, please tell a friend, he could use more views). He's still having trouble with his web-cam. Not to throw the guy under the bus, but he doesn't seem to be too tech savvy. Please bear with us as we try to get this straightened out. CC, take it away:

Suggestion noted CriColl, we'll see what we can do. I agree that Manning and the Broncos will once again find a way to win.

Broncos 28-18

Monday Night

Kansas City @ Green Bay

You thinking what I'm thinking? If you said Super Bowl I rematch then you're wrong, that wasn't what I was thinking. Look guy, don't get me started on this again. If it happened pre-'86 I don't give a rip (until I decide this gimmick has run its course; so probably next week)

Packers 30-20