Thursday Night
Philadelphia @ New York Giants
Last
week the Giants suffered a tough luck loss via a last-second 63 yard
field goal from Panthers kicker Graham Gano. That leaves New York with a
1-4 record, which is devastating when you consider that that’s tied for
the worst record in the league, but encouraging when you realize that
they’re only a game and a half behind Washington for first place in the
NFC East. Sandwiched between those teams (wit some onions and whiz) are
the defending Super Bowl champions and the Giants’ Week 6 opponent, the
Philadelphia Eagles. Philly is 2-3 and look to be suffering the dreaded,
and cliched, Super Bowl hangover. But let’s face facts, hangovers don’t
last eight months. It’s time we addressed the obvious, the Eagles have a
drinking problem. And trying to go out there and perform every Sunday
when you’re hungover is just not going to produce positive results. Luckily for
them this game is on a Thursday night, so if they can resist getting so
loaded on Wednesday that they’re still feeling it at 8:20p the next day they have a decent shot at winning.
Eagles 23-19
Sunday Morning
Seattle vs. Oakland
Chim
chim Cher-ee! It’s that time of year again i’tis i’tis. Time for
another round of jolly ol’ American, pigskin football in London! And in
keeping with tradition each player’s helmet will be swapped out with a
bowler cap for the occasion. It makes the game a might bit more
dangerous, certainly, but it adds the touch of class that this boorish
brute-fest so sorely needs. And in a new wrinkle this season the normal
NFL referees will be replaced with the Queen’s guard, who
will be spaced out evenly along the sidelines and end zones since they’re
forbidden from leaving their post and running around the field would violate that. As a result, there likely won’t be a
lot of penalties noticed from such distances, and if a flag is thrown
don’t expect much of an explanation. But indeed a
rollicking time will be had by all! Frabjous day, callooh callay!
Seahawks 27-20
Tampa Bay @ Atlanta
The
Bucs were on a bye last week, so we missed out on our weekly Ryan
Fitzpatrick MVP status check. Let's make-up for that: Is Ryan
Fitzpatrick the MVP of the NFL right now? Sadly, I have to say that he’s
not, and if I’m being honest his stock is trending downward. He was
benched at halftime of a Week 4 48-10 loss at Chicago. It has since been
announced that Jameis Winston will be back at starter for at least this
game, and likely going forward. It will be tough for Fitzpatrick to
maintain a healthy MVP campaign from the bench. That being said, I have
little confidence that Winston will perform well enough to keep Fitz on said bench, meaning that in due time the Ryan Fitzpatrick MVP status
check will be relevant again. Until then however, I’m forced to retire
it, and lament the $5,000 I laid down on him winning the award. He was
lighting up scoreboards! He had Tampa at 2-0! It was a sure thing!
Falcons 31-21
Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati
Yowza,
this is definitely going to be a physical match-up. And by that, of
course, I mean that each and every player participating has had their
physicals and returned to their team with a signed
doctor's note clearing them to play football this Fall. There was a brief lice
scare with Andy Dalton, but it turned out to just be severe dandruff.
The Bengals come into this game at 4-1 and have an opportunity to take a
stranglehold on the division with a win. To do so they’ll have to make
sure that Vontaze Burfict doesn’t literally put a stranglehold on any
Steelers during the game. If Cincy can keep their heads (and most of
their other body parts) I think they’ll get the win.
Bengals 33-27
Los Angeles Chargers @ Cleveland
The
Browns could have easily had three ties in their first 5 games. We knew
they were a ridiculous team coming into the season, but I can’t say we
expected this kind of absurdity. It’s fitting that this week they’re
facing off against the Chargers, a team that has made wackiness their
stock and trade over the years. This season, however, they’ve only had
one game decided by less than 10 points. This reminds me of a romcom
where the former party animal, adventuresome guy (Chargers) has grown up
and started living a sensible life until he meets an exciting,
free-spirited, devil may care girl (Browns) who reignites a spark within
him that he thought was permanently extinguished. Basically I’m saying that
the Browns are the manic pixie dream girl of the NFL. As such I expect them
to inspire the Chargers to reach deep within themselves and find the
power to lose ridiculous games again.
Browns 27-26
Chicago @ Miami
If
I were in the Dolphins PR department (and God willing one day I will
be) I would propose a jersey exchange for this game in which any Bears
or Dolphins fan with an old Jay Cutler jersey can bring it to the game
and swap it for a different player’s. Of course, the whole thing
would be a ruse and what would really happen to any Miami fan who came
to exchange their jersey is they’d have their tickets shredded and be
banned from the stadium for a full season because they were stupid
enough to purchase a Cutler jersey in the first place. Also we would keep the jersey. And if anybody from Chicago wanted to take us up on the
offer we’d gladly hand over a #9 David Garrard from the back
stock.
Dolphins 20-17
Arizona @ Minnesota
Uh
oh Vikings fans, don't look now but your worst nightmare is recurring in Minnesota,
you’re being visited by a lousy team with a rookie quarterback named
Josh. It’s your Achilles heel! This same scenario played out three weeks
ago when the Vikings, as 17 point favorites, lost 27-6 to Josh Allen and
the Buffalo Bills. It was an embarrassing effort that figures to
still be lingering in the players’ heads as they prepare for Josh Rosen
and the Cardinals this Sunday. I can see this going one of two ways:
Either the Vikings take out all their frustration on Zona and beat them
by 30, or they give up an early touchdown and become crippled by the
stress of the situation causing them to go into a Baumer-esque funk that results in another shameful loss. Let’s hope for the sake of
any of the Vikings’ fathers, who have money on the game, that it’s the
former not the latter.
Vikings 27-16
Indianapolis @ New York Jets
The
Jets can only win via blowouts. New York is 2-3 on the season, and is +49 in those wins. They’re like the Adam Dunn of teams. If they make
contact they’re gonna cream it, but otherwise it’s merely a strike out.
Meanwhile, the Colts can only win games via Washington. In other words
they’ve only won one game this season. Which I guess would make them the
Mario Mendoza of teams since they’re currently batting .200. In this
analogy I suppose I’d rather be Dunn. I also suppose that picking a
football game based on a baseball analogy I came up with is probably not
the right move, but screw it, we’re talking about Colts/Jets here, this
whole game is basically a can of corn.
Colts 23-20
Carolina @ Washington
For
years the Panthers had the NFL shield logo painted on their 50 yard
line. That makes sense if you’re dealing with a shared stadium, like
MetLife, but for a field with only one home team it’s a bizarre, and
frankly quite lame choice. This offseason, Carolina’s new ownership made
a point of finally painting the Panthers logo at midfield, and it’s
already paying dividends. Last Sunday Carolina kicker Graham Gano made a
63 yard game-winning field goal as time expired. A field goal of that
distance means the ball was spotted on the Carolina 47 yard line, square
in the middle of the Panther logo’s neck. Is there any chance Gano
makes that kick if he’s kicking off the NFL shield? I say no. He
probably would’ve looked down and briefly forgotten who he was playing
for. This momentary confusion would have caused him to lose focus and shank
the kick. But with the appropriate logo staring back at him, Gano
confidently swung his leg through and booted an awe-inspiring kick with
the full power of the panther behind it. This week, however, there will
be a Native American painted on the field, and Gano will be too conflicted to focus.
Washington 19-17
Buffalo @ Houston
With
how these teams have been playing over the first five weeks of the
season this one doesn’t look so hot. I’ll put it this way, if you walk
into the Sport Clips and ask for this game to be put on, we’re
gonna laugh ya out the place. Sure both of these teams were victorious
last week, but the Bills won 13-12, and the Texans got by 19-16. That’s
pretty lackluster stuff. If you want to get on a Sport Clips screen you
need to bring the excitement, you need pizzazz, and you need to be on a
local channel, because the Clips does not get Sunday Ticket.
Texans 26-16
Sunday Afternoon
Los Angeles Rams @ Denver
The
Broncos are a lousy road team and a decent home team. Luckily for them
this game is in Denver. Their luck ends there though, as they have to go
up against the 5-0 Rams on Sunday. However, LA showed that they’re
beatable last week, and their defense is definitely struggling at the
moment. Struggling badly enough to let Case Keemun and the Broncos beat
them? Well that’s another story. And the title of that story is “No,
Probably Not”. It’s not a very exciting story, and about 3/4 of the way
through you already know how it’s going to end.
Rams 34-24
Jacksonville @ Dallas
Before
we go any further please familiarize yourself with the following clips:
Here and here. Good god Bortles. I mean we know we’re
getting a mixed bag with you but this was something else. The helmet
ricochet was sloppy and unfortunate, but the pick six on the screen was next level. You could make the case that he only threw that pass because
he didn’t see the defender; but then you’d be arguing that Blake Bortles
didn’t see a 310 pound man wearing bright red, standing four yards from
him. But the thing is, that’s the argument that makes the most sense.
The other explanation is that Bortles thought the Chiefs lineman would
be so confused by a ball thrown directly to him that he’d fall on his
face and let the ball sail through to the running back. Regardless of
what Bortles’ thought process (or lack thereof) was, the play, and most
of the game was a mess. Of course this means that Blake Bortles will
throw for over 300 yards in a win against Dallas this Sunday.
Jaguars 16-13
Baltimore @ Tennessee
The
Ravens and Titans are coming off respective 12-9 and 13-12 losses
against the Browns and the Bills. So in other words they’re both badly in need
of a win this week. But just how desperate are they? Are they willing
to take the life of the man in front of them? Whoa! What? No! Man you
are one sick pup to even consider that. It’s just a game folks. I mean
maybe if this were a late season divisional matchup or something I could
envision a manslaughter or two taking place, but c’mon we’re talking
Week 6 here guys. The most I could advocate for is a cleat stomp, or
maybe knee clubbing with a foreign object that has been snuck on to the
field. And sure, if any of these players want to utilize brass knuckles have at it, I mean that goes without saying. I just assume every player
is sporting knucks to begin with.
Titans 21-18
Sunday Night
Kansas City @ New England
CriColl, I feel like you're making more and more sense by the week.
Chiefs 38-35
Monday Night
San Francisco @ Green Bay
After
losing to Cardinals at home last week the 49ers have firmly
established themselves as the team to beat in the NFC. Most people use
that term to describe the best team in the league, or the defending
champion. Not me.
When I say someone is the “team to beat” that means that everyone else
should beat them. It just makes more sense. It’s like when someone gets
an award and says it’s a humbling experience. No it’s not, everyone’s
telling you how great you are. A humbling experience would be writing a
weekly blog post and having no one read it. Fortunately I have no idea
what that feels like ... right guys? You’re out there, aren’t you?
Anybody ...?
Packers 27-12
Speaking
of “weekly” blog posts, that’s a bit of a misnomer for these picks
since I’ve decided that Week 7 will be my bye week. I need to rest my
thumbs. See ya in Week 8 suckers!
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