It’s nice that Mitchell Trubisky is back as the Bears’ starting quarterback, because now we get that direct comparison between him and DeShaun Watson that all Chicago fans love so much. In case you’re not familiar with their relation to each other, the Bears unnecessarily traded up in the 2017 draft to take Trubisky at #2. Eight picks later Patrick Mahomes was taken by the Chiefs, and two picks after that DeShaun Watson was selected by the Texans. But really it’s not fair for Chicago fans to complain about missing out on a quarterback after all the greats they’ve had at that position over the years. Your Rex Grossmans, Jim Millers, and Kyle Ortons. It’s like, hey Bears, save some for the rest of us! Graciously, Chicago does seem to be saving some playoff room for the rest of the NFC, having now lost six in a row to fall to 9th place in the conference. Technically the Bears are still only a game out of the playoffs, but it feels like there’s little hope of them righting the ship now. Kind of like how Trubisky and Watson were technically drafted in close proximity, but the two players now seem worlds apart.
Texans 24-20
Dallas at Cincinnati
Andy Dalton returns to face his former team. All of his Bengals career I waited for him to paint black stripes into his orange hair, yet he never did it, callously depriving us of the one action that could make him exciting. However, maybe this is the perfect time for that dye job. Think about it: he goes out there, throws four picks and rips off his helmet to reveal his true stripes. That’s right, he was a double agent! Dalton’s still a true Bengal! The only problem is that Cincy was just as happy to lose their remaining games to improve their 2021 draft pick, so they’re not very grateful. If anything, they’re kind of pissed off. And his fellow Cowboys teammates certainly aren’t happy with him when he inevitably tries to trot back to the Dallas sideline with his (also striped) tail between his legs. So now Andy Dalton is a man without a home, cast adrift all so that he could look extremely cool (though they despised the act, both teams, and everyone watching, totally agree on how great of a visual it was). Was it worth it? Absolutely. And I say that as someone who is not Andy Dalton.
Cowboys 27-20
Kansas City at Miami
The Dolphins are presented with perhaps the steepest increase in competition imaginable, coming off wins over the Jets and Bengals only to run right into the Chiefs. It reminds me of a wrestler mowing through glorified jobbers in a Royal Rumble only for a main-eventer to walk through the curtain (best example is probably Austin and Hitman in ‘97). Don’t get me wrong, the Dolphins have been getting a solid push lately and they’re consistently fun to watch, but do they have what it takes to dump KC over the top rope? I doubt it. Then again, I’m not sure under what scenario I would pick against the Chiefs at this point. Maybe if it was clear that the crowd had gotten tired of them and the company wanted to shake up the title picture. But I don’t think that’s happened yet. Though there are no crowds, so it’s hard to tell.
Chiefs 30-27
Arizona at New York Giants
The Cardinals are at .500 now and if not for a couple of unlikely finishes, including a Hail Mary, they could easily be on a 6 game losing streak. Instead, they find themselves merely on the outside of the NFC playoff picture due to tiebreakers. Meanwhile, it appears the Giants are now in a two team race with Washington for the NFC East title. After a monumental Week 13, it’s no longer inconceivable that the division champ will make it to 8-8, which is probably good news for the NFL, but a real bummer for those of us that like silliness. Hopefully if they do end up at .500, they’ll at least lay some banana peels or marbles out on the field for their playoff game to allow for some madcap thrills and spills. I would imagine that Cards QB Kyler Murray will gladly do without any additional hazards on the field this week seeing as how he’s appeared a bit skittish since getting his shoulder banged up last month. His limited play makes it difficult to confidently pick the Cardinals, which I guess means that I’m also skittish. My word, we are one in the same. I now have no choice but to say Murray will win this game, for if I don’t what am I saying about myself?
Cardinals 20-17
Minnesota at Tampa Bay
The Buccaneers were among the final two teams in the league to have their bye last week, and I wonder what Tom Brady did with his time off. I’m guessing that he spent the entirety of it in a hyperbaric chamber, hooked up to an IV that supplied him with the nutrients necessary to keep his body and skin thriving. He emerged from the room in a cloud of vapor, fully nude and somewhat addled from what was a truly reckless amount of time to have spent in his h-chamber. In this mental fog he believed he had been unconscious for much longer than he really had and asked the first person he saw what year it was. Unfortunately for Brady, the first person he saw was local prankster Richie Mitchell who decided to seize the opportunity presented to him and have some fun with the clearly confused, and yes still nude, Super Bowl MVP. When Brady heard that it was the year 2065 and that football had ceased to exist he turned to the camera and said, “Well then, time for some ice cream ... hold the avocados.” Brady and Mitchell shared a good laugh before heading to the supermarket and purchasing a few pints of Ben & Jerry’s. They sat on the curb and pawed the ice cream into their mouths with their bare hands before going their separate ways. Eventually Brady returned to his house, still nude, and Giselle informed him that he’d been fooled. It’s a strange tale to be sure, but here’s the strangest part: Richie Mitchell’s a 65 year old man. Weird that he’d still go by Richie, right? You’d think he’d have switched to Richard when he became an adult. Though, if we know anything about Richie Mitchell by now, it’s that he never became an adult.
Buccaneers 31-24
Denver at Carolina
Remember like 20 years ago when these teams played in the Super Bowl? Oh wait, that was 5 years ago! How many players are even left on these teams from that game? Checking now ... 3! And one of them is Von Miller, who is out for the season. So don’t expect this game to bear any resemblance to Super Bowl 50. And that’s a good thing, because SB50 was a bit of a snoozer. Though, if I’m honest, I don’t actually expect this game to be much more exciting. Especially since the winner won’t be the Super Bowl champion, they’ll be 5-8.
Panthers 24-19
Tennessee at Jacksonville
The Jaguars have been very consistent lately. Just look at these last five losses: 27-25, 24-20, 27-3 (ok, forget that one), 27-25, and 27-24. As a prognosticator, I gotta appreciate a team whose final scores are almost always identical. And how much did the Titans beat Jacksonville by in their first match-up back in Week 2 you ask? Three points. This is just too easy! Is there even anything more to say? I don’t want to go on a jag, the score will tighten and eventually Jacksonville will lose. It’s as simple as that. Though that wasn’t very simple. It took me 10 minutes to figure out how to write that sentence, which is about 3 minutes longer than my normal pace. Just promise me you’re not going to go through this post, count the sentences, and do the math. I don’t want you to know how long this takes me; you’ll be disgusted.
Titans 27-24
Sunday Afternoon
Indianapolis at Las Vegas
We’re dealing with some major playoff implications here folks. The Raiders are scratching and clawing to remain afloat in the AFC wild card race, while the Colts have one of those wild cards in their back pocket, but could also find themselves as AFC South champs when all is said and done. “Maybe there’s a way we can both get what we want.” Philips Rivers will say to Derek Carr with a sly grin. “You let us win, we’ll go ahead and get first place in the AFC South, and then you won’t have to worry about us taking up one of those wild card spots. One less team to deal with!” Derek Carr will return that sly grin and nod his approval. After some thinking though, Carr will realize that losing this game won’t help their chances at all, even if Indy does win the South it just means that the Titans will be relegated to a wild card contender. What’s more, Vegas would fall to 7-6 and wind up in much worse shape. “No deal!” Carr will shout defiantly to Rivers. The only problem is it’s now the postgame handshakes and the Colts have already won. It took Carr 3+ hours to figure out the ruse.
Colts 31-26
New York Jets at Seattle
Defensive coordinator Gregg Williams was (rightfully) fired by the Jets after calling an all out blitz at midfield with his team up 4 and :10 remaining against the Raiders in Week 13. It’s almost unthinkable that a coach would make that call in that situation. And that’s why I think it didn’t happen. I’m certain that that blitz was a directive from the front office. They saw the #1 pick in the 2021 draft slipping through their fingers so they took a drastic measure to ensure that it didn’t happen. The logistics are a bit tricky, but I’ll bet that team owner Woody Johnson hacked into the coaches’ comm line and called that blitz down to the defense while doing a very crude Gregg Williams impression. Middle linebacker Neville Hewitt wouldn’t have believed it, but when Johnson told him to “kill Derek Carr’s fucking head” he was sold. I mean who else but Gregg Williams would say something like that? Either way, Williams is gone now, and we’ll see if the Jets’ defense improves as a result. Even if they do though, Johnson will be ready to sabotage it all. Be sure that he’s been working on his Frank Bush impression all week.
Seahawks 27-13
Green Bay at Detroit
Last week was a big one for Lions coaches. First of all, Darrell Bevel got his first win ever as a head coach in a thrilling win over the Bears. Of course, Bevel is acting in an interim capacity, replacing Matt Patricia who (and here's the second of all) we found out had a burner account on Twitter, only for it to later be revealed to be a fake. Of course, we’ve seen burner accounts from athletes and coaches in the past, so the whole concept is no longer that outrageous, and this one was more than believable since no legitimate Lions fan would ever go out of his way to defend Matt Patricia. It's insult to injury for Patricia, he gets fired one day and then the next everyone's laughing at him for not even creating a twitter account to defend himself. Godspeed coach Patricia, I’ll always remember you as I saw you last; on Thanksgiving, wearing 2020’s largest sweatshirt.
Packers 35-25
New Orleans at Philadelphia
The Saints are just chugging away toward another 13-3 season, which would be their third in a row. When you throw in their 11-5 campaign the year before that, it’s been quite a run for New Orleans. Strangely though, their record over the first two weeks of the last four seasons combined is 3-5. In the remainder of those regular seasons they’ve gone 44-8. But then their playoff record over that span is 2-3. They’re like a freight train; take a while to get going, but they really move once they do; then they furiously crash before reaching their final destination. Hmm, is that not how freight trains work? I’ll be honest, I don’t know much about the shipping industry. But I do know that anything less than a Super Bowl run will be a failure for New Orleans. Speaking of failures, the Eagles are next on the schedule for the Saints. Carson Wentz has finally been benched, but at this point it may be too late to win the NFC East. That sentence alone should tell you that Philly’s season has gone so far off the rails you’d think it was a freight train.
Saints 26-13
Atlanta at Los Angeles Chargers
I had been waiting all year for this mess. The two most ridiculous teams in the league going at it in a cyclone of calamity. How many double digit leads would be blown? Would either team be able to get out of their own way long enough to actually win the game or would it inevitably end in a dumbfounding tie? But after the Chargers’ 45-0 loss to the Patriots last week I’m not too sure how fun it will actually be. Are the Chargers even capable of building a lead before blowing it? The real excitement of this game will be seeing whether or not Fox has updated their Justin Herbert cartoon to reflect his new haircut. The Chargers haven’t had a game broadcast by Fox since November 8th, ten days before Herbert got his infamous hair cut. Normally the Fox illustrations make these players look like superheroes, but I’m not sure how they could possibly manage that with Herbert and his current do. If anything he’ll probably look like Hank Hill. Which would make sense, because Fox can just pull that straight from their library.
Falcons 38-35
Washington at San Francisco
After upsetting the undefeated Steelers on Monday, Washington has proven that they can beat anybody, as long as the team in question looks bored as hell. I’m not saying that Pittsburgh wasn’t trying, but they certainly looked lackadaisical. And it was likely their opponent who caused that blasé attitude. After all, Washington isn’t the most exciting team to watch, so perhaps they’re not the most exciting team to play either. And that’s exactly the key to what may be their playoff run: become so boring that no team gives you their best effort because they’re not enthused at the prospect of playing you. It’s a pretty ingenious gambit if you ask me. Like fighting someone in MMA by laying down on the mat and playing dead. Should I even punch this guy? That would be kind of messed up. Do I put him in a chokehold? It seems like he’s already asleep. This goes on for the bulk of three rounds until the last :10 seconds when they suddenly sweep your leg out and win the fight on the scorecards. There’s really no way you can beat them. Well other than just walking up and kicking them in the face repeatedly. But c’mon it’s just Washington, that would be mean. Oh no, my leg!
49ers 19-16
Sunday Night
Pittsburgh at Buffalo
The Steelers are undefeated no more after a stunning loss to the Washington Football Team. Can they right the ship against the AFC East leading Bills? Only one man has the answer. His name is Cris Collinsworth, and we're going to hear from him right now.
Hey, you're undefeated in my book CriColl. Hang in there buddy.
Bills 26-20
Monday Night
Baltimore at Cleveland
Ravens wide receiver Dez Bryant was found to have tested positive for COVID shorty before kickoff of Baltimore’s game on Tuesday. He was pulled from the field, and the NFL said no other high-risk contacts were identified. Many fans aren’t buying this, believing that it’s merely the league pushing their schedule through come hell or high water. But those crying foul likely didn’t see Dez Bryant doing his pregame warm-ups in a full olde tyme scuba suit. He was originally doing it as a goof just to make his teammates laugh, but it turned out to be quite the effective safety measure. When his test came back positive they just sent him off the field in the suit. In fact, he was told not to take it off until he got home. He had to wear that thing in an Uber. Bryant’s travails are just the latest in a series of struggles for the Ravens this season. When Baltimore blew out Cleveland 38-6 in Week 1 it seemed like we had a good grasp on how things would go for both of these teams. The Ravens looked dominant again, and the Browns had confirmed that they were still the Browns. Now though, as we enter the rematch, Cleveland is 9-3 and two games ahead of Baltimore in the wild card standings. Anyone who’s even mildly familiar with the Browns is just waiting for the other shoe to drop and snuff out Cleveland’s playoff hopes. This would be the game where it starts. But if the Browns can get a win here there may be no denying them their first trip to the postseason in 18 years. Imagine that, there’s a kid in Cleveland legally smoking a cigarette right now who doesn’t even know what the playoffs are. But that has nothing to do with the Browns’ drought, he’s just too cool to care about sports. Didn’t I mention the cigarette?
No comments:
Post a Comment