Sunday Morning
Tennessee @ Buffalo
We’ve
reached the quarter pole of the season, which means we can accurately
predict teams’ records simply by multiplying them by 4. Take these teams
for example, the Titans are currently 3-1, which means they’re on track
for 12-4. Wow, what a year for Tennessee. The Bills, on the other hand, sit at 1-3 right
now, which means they’re looking at a 4-12 record come season's end. Ouch.
Sorry Buffalo, that does not sound pleasant. Ok I’ll admit, while that
math is accurate, it doesn’t always bear out that way. In fact, there
were only a handful of teams that finished last season with a record
that’s divisible by four. How many you ask? Well let me count them, I’ll
be right back ... You guys aren’t going to believe this, there were 4!
That can't be a coincidence! What does it mean?!? Probably that attempting to project a team’s final
record by multiplication is a dumb idea. You can glean certain things
from the first month of the season though. Like, for instance, the Bills
are really lousy.
Titans 26-13
Miami @ Cincinnati
It’s
a clash between division leaders in the AFC. Though, while the Bengals
look like they might have staying power, it now seems clear that the
Dolphins position atop the East is not sustainable, and may be a thing
of the past as early as Sunday afternoon. Last week the Patriots decimated
Miami physically, mentally, and emotionally. Yes, emotionally. I saw
Ryan Tannehill crying at one point. Everybody else kept telling me it
was just sweat, but then why was it under his eyes?!? That’s not how I
sweat! Not me! Anyway, the Dolphins are surely shook after suffering
their first loss of the season and now find themselves facing another tough
opponent this Sunday. Look for the Bengals to win and for Ryan Tannehill
to be “eye sweating” (Psssshh!) at some point in the first quarter.
Bengals 27-17
Baltimore @ Cleveland
It
appears Baker Mayfield hasn’t achieved full savior status yet in
Cleveland. While he has certainly been an upgrade at QB, he doesn’t seem
to be able to keep the Browns from losing games they should win, a
franchise hallmark for the last ... um 35? 40? 50 years? These nightmare
losses are fully cemented (impacted?) as part of the Browns identity;
so turning the tide is a major undertaking. In other words, as intriguing
as Mayfield is, he can’t change things over night. Especially if it’s
like a Tuesday when there’s not even a game that night. What do you want
the guy to do?!? Meanwhile, I guess the Ravens are good again ...
maybe. It sounds weird to say, but I’ll believe in them if they can go
on the road and handle the Browns. I just hope they wash their hands
afterward.
Browns 23-21
Green Bay @ Detroit
We
see this every season. The Packers experience some early season
setbacks, tie the Vikings, lose on the road, but then rebound with a
shut out against a lowly team quarterbacked by Josh Allen. I’m telling you, we
see it every season, look it up. And because of that, we should all know
what to expect next, Green Bay goes to Detroit and beats the Lions on a
Hail Mary. Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme.
Packers 30-27
Jacksonville @ Kansas City
Oooh
baby, this is a tasty match-up! The unstoppable force (Chiefs offense)
meeting the immovable object (Jags defense). And on the other side of
the ball, the easily stoppable force (Jags O) meeting the perpetually movable object
(Chiefs D). Though maybe I’m short-changing the Jacksonville offense,
considering they put up 500 yards and 31 points in their win over the
Jets last week. Those numbers are almost identical to what they
accomplished in their win over the Patriots in Week 2. So there may be
hope for them yet, and as I hinted at earlier, they’re going against a
defense that has given up 29 points per game, and the most yards in the
league this season. How is KC 4-0?!? Oh right, they have an ambidextrous
supernova playing quarterback for them. Be that as it may, I think
Jacksonville can slow Mahomes down enough to let Bortles & Co. take
advantage of the Chiefs’ shoddy D.
Jaguars 23-20
Denver @ New York Jets
The
Jets started the season with a 47 point barrage in a win over the
Lions; in their 3 games since they’ve scored 12, 17, and 12 points,
respectively. You simply must put up more points than that if you want
to win games in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. So how do they turn it
around and recapture the magic of their opener? How the hell should I
know? I’m pretty clueless when it comes to football. Didn’t they return a
couple interceptions in that first game? Yeah, they should do that
again, that would help. Did you know that in the history of the NFL no
team has lost a game in which they’ve had multiple pick-sixes? If you
said, “Uh yeah, obviously,” we’ll guess what, I made that up! It might
not even be true! But if I were the Jets I’d still go ahead and try to
score a couple times on defense and take my chances; couldn’t hurt.
Broncos 19-16
Atlanta @ Pittsburgh
Oh
boy, it’s been a tough couple weeks to be a Falcons season ticket
holder (despite those sweet-ass concessions deals). First you drop an
overtime game at home to your hated rival New Orleans 43-37, then you
lose to the Bengals 37-36 (again in Atlanta) on a touchdown with :07
left. The team is putting up huge point totals only to have victory
snatched away from them in the game’s waning moments. Just when these
Atlanta fans think they’ve locked up a win and can relax for once their
world crumbles. It reminds me of Sidney Prescott in the Scream
franchise. All she wants is to live a regular life after the death of
her mother and the first Scream, but every time she starts achieve some
semblance of normalcy a new Scream Guy (or Girl, don’t think I’ve
forgotten about you Laurie Metcalf!) pops up and ruins everything. Yep, it's the exact same situation. The
good news for Falcons fans is that this game is in Pittsburgh, so they
can’t have their hearts ripped out right in front of them for a third
straight week. The bad news? Atlanta has a home game against the Bucs in
Week 6. In other words, they’ll be right baaaaack!
Steelers 37-35
New York Giants @ Carolina
The
Panthers are coming off the dreaded early bye week. They’ve only played
3 games, they don’t really need the break yet. It’s like having the
first lunch in middle school, the one that starts at 10:30am. You’re not
even hungry yet, and now the rest of the day is just going to seem even
longer. I’m sure Carolina would’ve preferred a later bye week, but
nonetheless they had to force down their pre-11 chicken nuggets. The
upside is that they should be well rested for this match-up against a
lackluster Giants team. Look for Cam Newton to have a big day; he’s been
in a great mood ever since his mom brought him McDonald’s on the bye
week. Lucky!!!
Panthers 24-12
Sunday Afternoon
Oakland @ Los Angeles Chargers
If
you plan on attending this game, beware. The atmosphere figures to be
very tense, and fights are likely to breaking out all over the place. And
this is all going to be amongst Raiders Nation, because there won’t be any
Charger fans in attendance. Despite the home field disadvantage the
Chargers should be able to put up points aplenty against an Oakland
defense that has shown itself to not be opposed to allowing offenses to
do pretty much whatever they want. But what do the Chargers want? A win? Sure, if we're talking about this game maybe. But what do they truly desire? To be
loved. Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem possible until their move back
to San Diego is official. What’s that? They’re actually staying in LA?
Hmm. Guess they better get used to life as a spinster.
Chargers 35-27
Minnesota @ Philadelphia
This
is a rematch of last season’s NFC Championship game, and oh what a
difference a year, er 8 and a half months, makes. When they met last
January these teams had a combined 6 losses for the whole season. When
they meet on Sunday they’ll already have a combined 4 (and a tie) in
2018. So what gives? The Vikings’ defense has looked like a shell of its
former self, surrendering 27.5 points per game. To be fair though they've
faced the Packers and the Rams ... and the 49ers ... and the Bills. Ok,
so I guess being fair is pointing out that something is wrong here. Meanwhile, the
Eagles have struggled to regain the dynamism they had on offense last
season, despite Carson Wentz's return to take over from Nick Foles at quarterback.
One thing the Eagles can still hang their hat on is that they haven’t
lost a legit home game since Week 14 of 2016. Their lone loss in Philly
last year was a 6-0 defeat in the final game of the season when they had
nothing left to play for. Unfortunately, if either of these teams have
nothing left to play for at the send of this season it will likely mean
that they’re out of playoff contention. Either that, or the teams have
experienced some kind of existential breakdown where they feel that all
games are meaningless, much like life itself. Let’s hope that’s not the
case.
Vikings 27-24
Arizona @ San Francisco
I
can’t in good conscience advise that you watch this game. Look around,
there are three other games you can watch in the afternoon (or even baseball), choose any
of them and consider yourself better for it. And if you live in either
of these markets and have no other option, I would recommend taking a
nap, or just turning the TV off and staring blankly across the room. I have to admit that CJ Beathard did a better job in his
first start filling in for Jimmy Garoppolo than I had expected. Though, I
had expected him to receive the snap, hand the ball to the nearest
defensive lineman, and wave as they ran towards the other end zone. So
really, it was a low bar to clear. Now Ceej gets to come home and
perform in front of a rocking ... chair ... crowd in Levi's Stadium. No, that wasn’t a
typo, I expect the crowd to have the same energy level as someone in a
rocking chair. Be that as it may, I think the home team will get a
narrow victory.
49ers 18-15
Los Angeles Rams @ Seattle
Well
well well, look who finally has to leave California, the unbeatable Los
Angeles Rams. So far this season they’ve played three home games and a quick trip to
Oakland. The toughest element they’ve had to deal with so far is the
patch of dirt at the Raiders/A’s coliseum. But now these Hollywood pretty
boys have to trek alllll the way up the coast to Seattle and deal with the
12th man and a harsh weather forecast of ... 58 degrees and cloudy. Hmm, well
that’s kind of chilly. Definitely colder than it’s been in LA. So yeah,
deal with that Rams! And good luck catching any deep balls when you have
those clouds in your eyes. Ha ha! Sorry fellas, but this is what happens
when people stop being polite and start getting real.
Seahawks 24-23
Sunday Night
Dallas @ Houston
This Sunday night match-up might look lousy on paper, but did you consider that it might be even lousier when it's actually played out in reality? Maybe SNF analyst Cris Collinsworth can polish this up for us:
Wow, that's quite the scoop! Those are the kind of exclusives you only find here at HCM.
Texans 27-20
Monday Night
Washington @ New Orleans
I
got news for ya folks, if the season ended today these teams would be
two of your four division champs in the NFC. Also, if the season ended
today it would break the record for shortest NFL season ever. My point
being that, barring an unexpected and abrupt end to the year, we still
have a long way to go before things get sorted out. So I guess I
shouldn’t have written that first sentence at all. Too late
now, my delete button is still broken. I had the whole offseason to fix
it and I didn’t get it done. What happened you ask? Life happened,
that’s what. Actually, if I’m being honest I just forgot. I also forgot
that this game was in New Orleans, that makes it a lot easier to pick.
Alright, that one’s done, what’s next? Oh, that’s it. Well alright, see
ya next week ... but maybe not the one after that.
Saints 29-24
