NFL Picks Week 10

It's Week 10 and one of the more interesting sub-plots to me, and indeed the entire nation, is the Survivor Football league in which Finn and I are the only two remaining participants and there is absolutely no cash prize. The tension is palpable but we'll obviously have to wait until Sunday to find out who picked who.


Sunday Morning

Arizona @ Philadelphia

The Eagles are currently only one game better than the Cardinals, however the two teams feel much further apart. In fact, if my survival depended on one pick this week I'd have to go with Philly. Or, to put it another way, if I had to choose one game correctly otherwise I'd be forced to swim with toasters in some sort of suicide pool, I would most likely pick the Eagles (maybe I shouldn't have used those italics).

Eagles 27-17


Tennessee @ Carolina

Remember before the season when Chris Johnson got upset with all the "fake fans" that were just concerned about him playing this year for fantasy purposes? Is it possible that his awful play this season is just his way of getting back at them? I say it's the only feasible explanation. And I'm pissed! I was saddled with him for the first 9 weeks, but now I've unloaded him, so I'm no longer a "fake fan," I'm not even a fan at all. Worst of luck bud!

Panthers 30-14


Houston @ Tampa Bay

The Bucs have been much better at home this season and the Texans have been a bit shaky on the road outside of their 41-7 cream job on Tennessee a couple weeks ago. However, it seems like the Texans are gaining a lot momentum and confidence while Tampa is losing all of that.

Texans 24-10


Washington @ Miami

The Dolphins shocked the NFL with a 31-3 win in Kansas City last week. I'm sure it also shocked Matt Moore who, by this point, must have been sure that his team was trying their damnedest to replace him with the first pick in the draft. This week Miami will get another win to further eliminate themselves from the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes ... the Luckstakes? No that sucks, don't worry I'll come up with a better portmanteau word involving luck at some point today.

Dolphins 20-13


Jacksonville @ Indianapolis

The last time these teams met a season ago they were battling for the lead in the division, now they're fighting it out in the basement as if they were Stu Hart. But you and I both know that neither of these teams are deceased wrestling legends, and if they are they've done quite the job disguising themselves. So what to make of this stinker (which is the same thing I say when I sculpt poo for money on the Venice boardwalk)? I think the Colts manage to get their first win. Why? Because I'm crrrraaaaaaaaaaaazy (see: poo sculpting).

Colts 23-20


Denver @ Kansas City

For a couple weeks now "Tebowing" has become all the rage, including players from other teams mocking Tebow by kneeling after sacking him. If players really wanted to mock Tebow they should grab the ball after they sack him, run around like a chicken with his head cut off and then throw the ball into the stands. There would probably be resulting penalties, but that's not the point; the point, as it always is in football, is to be hilarious.

Chiefs 28-16


Buffalo @ Dallas

With the absence of Miles Austin in this game the Cowboys have lost more smiles than Shawn Michaels circa '97. Will that be enough to get the Bills the win? I don't think so. As legendary former Dallas coach Tom Landry once said, "Smiles don't win football games." (don't bother looking that quote up, you won't be able to find it, just trust that I did)

Cowboys 27-24


New Orleans @ Atlanta

The winner of this game will take control of the NFC South ... for now. If there's one thing I've always said about the NFC South it's "Don't count out the Saints even if they fall to 6-4 and are a half game out of first going into their bye week." So, as you can see, even with a loss this week to the Falcons New Orleans still has a chance.

Falcons 31-27


St. Louis @ Cleveland

Rams vs. Browns. C'mon, that's kind of funny/dirty on it's own right?

Rams 12-11


Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati

The Bengals currently hold the #1 seed in the AFC. That's not a joke, I couldn't make up something that funny. But the honeymoon will soon be over as the second-half schedule brings four games against the Steelers and Ravens and another one against the Texans. There's still a chance they could make the playoffs, but a first round bye won't be in the cards. A wild card is more likely in the cards, I mean that's just common sense if you look at the words.

Steelers 17-13


Sunday Afternoon

Baltimore @ Seattle

As I've said before, as the Flac-Man goes so go the Ravens, and he proved it last week by leading a game-winning last-second touchdown drive to beat Pittsburgh. Unfortunately for Flac he's making his first trip to Seattle this week, and as we all know, those don't go so well, just ask Andy Dalton. Er, wait don't do that; fine, whatever, do it, it's not like you have his phone number you loser. Anyway, I say that Flac gets rattled and Tarvaris (very close to going back to Turdvaris) somehow learns how to operate a two minute drill to get the win.

Seahawks 16-13


New York Giants @ San Francisco

The Giants come into this game having won six of their last seven (bonus points to whoever can name the one team they lost to), but their last four wins in that stretch have been by only 3 or 4 points in each game. This could mean that they're clutch, or just lucky. I say they're both, they're clucky! Hmm, no, that didn't work either, shit. Ok never mind they're just good, and I feel like they're better on the road. I know I said that I'd never pick against the Niners again, and I hate to lie, but if John Matrix can do it then so can I. Besides, fuck 'em.

Giants 20-17


Detroit @ Chicago

The Bears have won three in a row, including wins in Philadelphia and London, two of the toughest places to play in the NFL. The Lions lost two in a row and then destroyed Tim Tebow. Now they're coming off a bye which I think will leave them sluggish, like a wet sponge. That adds up to a rare Chicago pick for me.

Bears 23-20


Sunday Night

New England @ New York Jets

Last week the Patriots lost a heart-breaker, meanwhile Rex Ryan ate a burger called the "Heart-breaker." It's safe to say that the experience was more pleasant for Ryan, and I think that will have a carry-over effect to this week. It would seem strange for New England to drop to 5-4, but they just haven't been playing well lately.

Jets 21-19


Monday Night

Minnesota @ Green Bay

My Wacky Pick of the Week is that Aaron Rodgers only throws one incompletion. It will come right towards the end of the game, and he will throw it all the way into the stands, into the waiting arms of a sick child. Replays will catch Rodgers flashing a sly wink as he turns back to the huddle. Wow, what a great guy. As for the game itself, it's Green Bay in a cream job.

Packers 38-21