I went 14-2 last week, a nearly flawless performance. But as the old saying goes, nearly flawless only counts in diamonds and driving tests. So let's go for a perfect record this week, eh? And in case you didn't hear, I'm already 1-0
Indianapolis @ New England
Can you say cream job!? Seriously though, can you please start saying it? I'm trying to popularize that phrase, and it would help if my throngs of readers jumped on board. Thanks gang, you're the real heroes!
Tennessee @ Buffalo
Last week, as if he were some sort of Kodiak bear, Chris Johnson finally emerged from his season long slumber to rack up over 175 yard rushing. And before you say anything, the Kodiak bear comparison is regarding the season long slumber, not the 175 yards rushing. That being said, are you going to try to tackle a Kodiak bear if he's carrying the ball at full speed? Me either, so who's to tell how many yards he could run for? I feel like I've gotten a bit side-tracked here. The Bills offense also came back to life last week, and in a battle of inconsistent teams I'll give the advantage to the home team.
Kansas City @ Chicago
In his season debut Caleb Hanie had an awful start, an ok middle, and an ultimately disappointing ending. With that in mind I will hereby be referring to him as the Star Wars prequels (Oh snap! Suck it Lucas! Just kidding though, Episode II wasn't even ok, so that analogy doesn't work. Oh shit! I just nailed your ass again Lucas! Do something, I dare ya! C'mon old man!) Meanwhile, against the Steelers Tyler Palko had an awful start, awful middle, and an awful ending. With that in mind I will hereby be referring to him as Jake Delhomme from the 2006 NFC Championship Game. A long nickname I know, but I think it has a ring to it.
Atlanta @ Houston
Speaking of Delhomme! That's right, the Texans have signed Jake after a rash of injuries. Coincidentally enough, Matt Leinart had both an injury and a rash. While Delhomme isn't likely to start this week his mere presence should signal the end to players and fans alike. The opportunistic Falcons will be more than happy to swoop in and collect the win, those assholes.
Oakland @ Miami
The Dolphins narrowly missed winning their fourth game in a row on Thanksgiving. To what does Tony Sparano attribute the turn-around? During the broadcast of last week's game Phil Simms explained that Sparano decided to change up all of his normal routines and do the exact opposite in preparation for each week's game. If everything he was doing before was failing, then surely the opposite should be successful. If this theory sounds familiar it's because George Costanza did the same exact thing on an episode of Seinfeld. The real irony is that, much like George, in a few months Sparano will be able to walk up to a woman in a coffee shop and confess that he is unemployed and lives with his parents.
Denver @ Minnesota
It's become tiresome to talk about how Tim Tebow just gets the job done. It's also become nearly as hackneyed to point to the improved defense as the real key to the Broncos' success. So instead, let's focus on the Vikings. Uhh, Ponder, he's ummm, and Jared Allen ... How about Tebow!? That fucker is ridiculous!
Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh
The Bengals have become one of the more predictable teams in the league. They're good enough to beat bad teams, but they can't quite get over the top against quality squads (the only anomaly, of course, being their win over the Seahawks). The Steelers, like many of the viewers, seemed bored during last Sunday night's win over the Chiefs. This divisional match-up should be enough to inspire Pittsburgh to play with some energy, and if it isn't then surely Roethlisberger's pregame cocaine party will jazz everyone up.
Carolina @ Tampa Bay
It's been a while since I've brought up Stingers, but just the very sight of this match-up aroused my Stinger senses. The fact that this game is being played in Tampa is enough to ensure that it won't be sold out, but when you throw in the fact that the 3-8 Panthers are coming to town and that the Bucs have lost five in a row to fall to 4-7, well there will probably be less people in attendance than there were at Spinal Tap's amusement park concert.
New York Jets @ Washington
In my Week 8 picks I predicted that the Redskins, losers of two in a row at the time, would go on to lose nine of ten. Little did I know that their one win in that span would be against the Seahawks. It makes me wonder what would have happened if I had predicted that they'd lose ten in a row. What sort of power do I wield here? Clearly a shitload, and we'll see that verified when Washington loses their next three to make the prophecy come true.
Baltimore @ Cleveland
My Wacky Pick of the Week: Peyton Hillis does something productive. Ok, that might be too wacky. How about: Colt McCoy does something productive. Yeah, that's the appropriate amount of wacky. Obviously the Ravens will perform poorly because they're playing a bad opponent, but they should still be able to get the win.
Green Bay @ New York Giants
Enough is enough, it has to be said: Aaron Rodgers has the worst celebration in the league. No, I'm not talking about the "title belt" which he saves for after long runs, I'm referring to his jumping fist-pump that he does after every touchdown pass (seen here at the :50 mark). It's painfully lame and totally contrived. And yes, those exact words have been used to describe these posts, but I don't have kids looking up to me as a celebration role model, it's not my responsibility to be a bad-ass. Anyway, it's clear that Rodgers likes doing it for some reason, meaning he'll probably throw a few touchdowns this week just so that he can do the jump and pump (ok, now that I put that name together I kind of like it).
Dallas @ Arizona
The Cowboys have lost the last two times they've traveled to Arizona, which makes historical sense, because these guys lived there, and they didn't take kindly to cowboys. The Cardinals have won three of their last four, but in all fairness two of those wins came over the Rams, so they've won one of their last two over normal NFL teams. On the flip side, Dallas has won four straight games, all over teams from outside of St. Louis, meaning they get the nod in this one.
St. Louis @ San Francisco
There may not be a more pathetic unit in the NFL (now that Brett Favre is out of the league) than the Rams offense. The fact that they managed to put up 20 against Arizona last week qualifies as a minor miracle. Hold it, upon further review of the box score (no video evidence of the game exists) one of their touchdowns came on a punt return, so they actually only put up 13; that seems more like it. This week doesn't look to be shaping up any better for St. Louis, losers.
Detroit @ New Orleans
In response to whether or not he meant to stomp on an opposing player last week, Ndamukong Suh said that, "God knows the truth." If I ever get to Heaven now I know what my first question will be. Seriously though, I get that you're a man of faith, but how about you just be honest and tell us that you meant to do it. I have confidence that Suh can rebuild a good reputation, however, I mean just look at how highly regarded Albert Haynesworth is, and he stomped on a guy's face. With or without Suh this week against the Saints will probably look a lot like the Detroit's last game , which means they'll be over-matched by a better team.
San Diego @ Jacksonville
Does ESPN get the last pick of every week when choosing Monday Night Football games? I understand that they're scheduled before the season, but there has to be a way to come up with something better than this. The combined records of the four teams playing in the next two MNF games is 15-30 (but we all know that when the Rams and Seahawks get together you throw out the records ... and pick the Seahawks). The Jags will be playing their first game since being out from under the oppressive rule of Jacky Boy Del Rio, which is the perfect recipe for the Chargers to snap their own six game losing streak. After this game they'll be begging for Jacky Boy.