NFL Picks - Week 13

Sunday Morning

Kansas City @ Atlanta

After a gutty overtime road win in Denver, breakout Chiefs player Tyreek Hill said that his team is like "MJ's Bulls" because they "don't panic." That's a VERY low benchmark for comparing something to the championship Bulls teams of the 90s. For instance, just the other day I was in the shower (pause for squeals from the ladies, and maybe some guys) and I looked down to see a cricket in there with me. I calmly stepped out of the shower, scooped the cricket up and placed it outside my apartment. I didn't panic. Does that mean when I set the cricket down I should've shouted, "Jordan!" No, because not panicking doesn't make you like MJ's Bulls. Also, that's not really what happened. I saw the cricket, shrieked like a banshee, and immediately fled the shower. What I failed to realize was that I hadn't opened the door. I smashed through glass and fell to the floor. I was in excruciating pain, but realized that the cricket was still close, so naked and bleeding I crawled out of the bathroom and eventually through my front door. When I felt that I was safely out of the cricket's earshot I screamed for help as I lay still nude in the courtyard area of my apartment building. But whatever, even though I lied Tyreek Hill is a much bigger piece of shit.

Chiefs 27-24

Detroit @ New Orleans

Last week Sean Payton and the Saints' offense took revenge on their former, and current Rams', defensive coordinator Gregg Williams to the tune of 49 points. They aimed for his head and they killed the head. And the revenge tour isn't over yet, this week they face Jim Caldwell, the man who didn't beat them in the Super Bowl as head coach of the Colts ... I guess they don't really have revenge as a motivation then huh? Great, I was all set to make that the theme of this game and now I have nothing. Umm ... Did you guys hear that Jim Caldwell slept with Sean Payton's wife and broke up his marriage? Not impossible, right? Ok, so Payton is gonna PISSED. Look for another Saints home win. 

Saints 26-22


Los Angeles @ New England

A strange news story emerged this week regarding former Rams running back Eric Dickerson telling his radio audience that current team management has told him he is not welcome at the team's facilities. Jeff Fisher and the Rams front office have denied this, but I tend to believe Dickerson. Why, you ask? Because I know what's really going on at the LA Rams facility. The real reason the team doesn't want Eric Dickerson anywhere near the building is because of a project known as Dick Rickerson. You guessed it, the team, without permission, collected a sample of Dickerson's DNA, slightly altered it to engineer an even more dynamic running back and are now just waiting for the clone to fully gestate before they unleash him upon the league. The last person they want to come into contact with this abomination is Eric Dickerson himself, because of the assumption that this offspring/clone will have a severe Oedipal complex and immediately attempt to kill Dickerson upon sight. Rickerson has been officially ruled out for this week, so I'll pick New England.

Patriots 27-14


Denver @ Jacksonville

A lot of people criticize Blake Bortles for only performing well in garbage time. I say he should embrace it. Start referring to himself as "The Garbageman." Make shirts and posters, really get some traction behind this thing. It would at least make for something interesting in the giant compost heap that has become this franchise. Due to injury we may see Paxton Lynch get the start for Denver, which could hurt their chances. But with The Garbageman going against the Broncos' D the Jags should be trailing by three possessions (due to a couple defensive TDs) by the time the fourth quarter rolls around. Of course, at that point Bortles will proceed to double his yardage from the previous three quarters in true Garbageman fashion, but as per usual it will be too late.

Broncos 23-17


Houston @ Green Bay

Trevor Finch, the 13 year old time traveler from 1998 that is dead set on preventing the Texans from making the playoffs, struck again last week. Before a crucial down he snuck into the PA booth and played "All-Star" by Smashmouth. It flustered Houston quarterback Brock Osweiler who correctly assumed that the song was mocking him because he's been anything but an all-star in his debut season as a "franchise" QB. Now astute readers will note that "All-Star" didn't come out until 1999, so how could a 13 year old from 1998 know about that song? Well keep in mind he's a time traveling 13 year old, so he's familiar with the entire Smasmouth catalog. In fact, Finch's impatience while waiting for the next Smashmouth album was one of the main reasons he traveled through time in the first place. The Texans are on the road in this one, and they're going up against a Packers team that ... Wait, why am I typing anything after "The Texans are on the road"? 

Packers 24-15


Philadelphia @ Cincinnati

Both of these teams have struggled over the past couple months, with the Eagles only managing 2 wins in their last 8 games, while the Bengals have amassed just 1 W in their last 7. Suffice it to say both of these teams have been going in the same direction. With that in mind, and to spice this game up the league should literally MAKE THE TEAMS GO IN THE SAME DIRECTION. The offense and defense both line up on the same side of the ball and the defense is defending the opposite side of the field, so they just let the offense ... Ugh, this isn't going to work. I mean I've had stupid ideas before but I'm not even going to try to BS my way through this one. I'll take the Bengals, I guess?

Bengals 23-20


Miami @ Baltimore

Folks, I don't want to alarm you but we've got a Triple P (possible playoff preview) on our hands here. In fact, as of right now these teams are in position to play each other in the first round. And let me tell you, it would definitely be the Saturday afternoon game because, well who cares? Fear not though, as I don't imagine either of these teams will be in the playoffs when the season ends. Then again, one of them will get another win here ... Is this really going to happen? Somebody get Trevor Finch on the phone, we don't need him to screw up Houston's road games, they do that on their own. Trev buddy, we need a tie from you, can you do it? 

Ravens 19-17


San Francisco @ Chicago

Bears receiver Josh Bellamy dropped a game winning touchdown in the final minute of the game last week in what must have been a heartbreaking loss. Or must it have been? There's no chance that the Bears' front office called down to the field and ordered that drop to preserve the loss, right? Of course that's what happened. Chicago came back just enough to make it a respectable showing then successfully bungled away their comeback attempt at the last minute. It was the perfect scenario for a team fighting for the #2 draft pick (#2 because Browns). But guess what, this week they're running into the team that currently sits in that #2 spot. So what should we expect? An exhilarating back and forth game for the first 55 minutes or so until it gets late enough that both teams decide it's losing time, at which point they will trade pick sixes in a classic case of whoever has he ball last loses. Of course, the coaches will instruct the defenders to just go down with the ball once they pick it off, but good luck telling those guys not to take it to the house. They're not throwing away their shot!

Bears 24-21

Sunday Afternoon

Buffalo @ Oakland

You may or may not have seen it but during Oakland's Week 12 over Carolina Raiders quarterback Derek Carr's pinky finger was seemingly obliterated on what appeared to be a routine snap. It was the type of incident that makes you wonder "could this happen on every play?" Are we perpetually just one errant snap away from a man's hand exploding? This cannot be the future! As it turned out Carr was able to return to action despite his dislocated finger, which is good news, but makes me wonder why the hell did he just abandon the play so abruptly? Can the Raiders trust a man who's finger means more to him than the team? Ronnie Lott and his 9.5 digits would say no. I'm starting to wonder too. I trust him enough to get a win against the Bills.

Raiders 31-27 


New York Giants @ Pittsburgh

The Giants have won six games in a row and have the NFC's second best record at 8-3. But take a closer look ... Closer ... Closer ... Whoa! Not that close ya perv! Ok, so take just a slightly closer look and you'll find that New York's opponents during that winning streak have a combined winning percentage of .311. Yikes! .311? Talk about kicking teams when they're down, down. The combined winning percentage of the teams remaining on the Giants' schedule is .627. So we're about to see what Eli Manning and company are really made of. Most likely flesh, bones, organs, blood, etc. just like the rest of us, but maybe not. If they finish 13-3 we'll know they're made up of something else entirely, at which point we should all run. Run!!!

Steelers 29-24


Washington @ Arizona

Josh Norman was involved in numerous verbal and physical altercations with Dez Bryant during their Thanksgiving matchup. It's not the first time this sort of thing has occurred with Norman, which raises the question, is he maybe not a very nice guy while on the football field? I know, I know, it's wrong of me to jump to such a conclusion having not been out there myself but I don't know guys, it seems like the evidence is borderline overwhelming at this point. I'm sure most of these verbal sparring sessions and near fist fights are merely misunderstandings, I just hope Mr. Norman can work on his communication skills this offseason so that he can return to the field and conduct himself as the class act I know he truly is. Washington will be without tight end Jordan Reed this week, and since I was looking for a reason not to pick them I accepted that as sufficient.

Cardinals 23-16


Tampa Bay @ San Diego

Last week the Chargers held a 21-10 lead with under a minute to go in the game. As you might expect they ended up having to defend a Hail Mary that could've led to a tie game. Every week we're reminded that no lead is safe with the San Diego Chargers. And by that I mean their leads are never safe. It's like an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm; even if Larry is riding high with a couple minutes left in the ep you know something will happen before it's done that knocks him back down a few pegs. Even in the games the Chargers win they're sweating it out until the final play. And as a fan with no rooting interest in their games I just want to thank them. You're doing the Lord's work Philip Rivers, and I'm not just talking about your apparent refusal of any and all contraception. 

Buccaneers 28-27


Sunday Night

Carolina @ Seattle

Familiar foes face off in a Sunday night showdown in Seattle. These two squads have played each other six times over the past four season with only one game being decided by more than a score. So what should we expect this time around? I can think of only one man who can answer that question, SNF color commentator Cris Collinsworth:

I'm so disappointed in you CriColl.

Seahawks 26-17


Monday Night

Indianapolis @ New York Jets

Yuck, not a very desirable Monday Night matchup. In fact, I dare you to watch the whole thing. Not enticing enough for ya, eh? Ok I'll give ya a thousand smackers to watch this entire game. Ok, hold on though, there are rules. You have to send me a full length video of you and the game in the same shot for verification. Also, no bathroom breaks, I need you to be there for all the commercials as well, that's part of the deal. Lastly, no blinking. Sorry, but if you're closing your eyes every 20 seconds or so you're missing part of the game, however brief that may be. Pssh, I knew you'd back out. One man that's back IN (nicely done) is Andrew Luck. Because of that I'll go with Indy.

Colts 30-20