Saturday
Washington @ Tennessee
Washington
ended their four game losing streak last week and announced to the NFL
that they are NOT out of the playoff race yet. To which the rest of the
league replied, “Huh? What are you doing here? How did you get in my
house? I’m calling the police.” Washington vacated the premises, but
they’re not ready to do the same when it comes to the 2018 season just
yet. Though this matchup against the Titans is looking less favorable by
the week, with Tennessee running back Derrick Henry steamrolling
defenses and uh, well I’m not really sure they have anything else going
on at the moment, but maybe that’s enough. I’m guessing it will be this
week. And after the game Washington will announce to the rest of the
league, “We’re still not completely out of this, as long as we catch a
couple breaks on Sunday. Now may we please use your bathroom?”
Titans 23-13
Baltimore @ Los Angeles Chargers
This
is a match-up between the two teams currently holding the AFC wild
cards. If you ask me two wild cards in one game is too many. It’s like
5s and 6s? Uh ok, I have five of a kind ... and a full house. It’s just
too ridiculous. In that vein, look for this game to be all kinds of nuts
with both teams going all in on the first play and then one of them
having to buy back in so that they can actually fill four quarters of
action as mandated by league bylaws. Also the pizza hasn’t even arrived
yet, so they should really keep playing.
Chargers 24-19
Sunday Morning
Cincinnati @ Cleveland
There
is still a path for the Browns to get to the playoffs. It is a winding path that still needs a lot of bushwhacking to make it navigable, but it
can happen. Here’s the scenario: Washington beats Tennessee (it could
happen), the Ravens lose to the Chargers (very possible), the Browns
beat the Bengals here (likely), the Colts lose to the Giants (you never know
with New York); then next week the Browns win in Baltimore (not impossible)
and the Colts and Titans tie (uh oh). Ok, so any scenario that relies
on a tie is precarious at best, but we’re talking about the Browns
making the playoffs here, it’s a minor miracle that they’re this close so perhaps we shouldn’t rule out the seemingly impossible. Probably the
easiest box to tick off on that checklist is Cleveland beating
Cincinnati, and that’s exactly what will happen here. Or the Browns will
spectacularly fall on their faces and we’ll all have a good laugh.
Browns 31-17
Tampa Bay @ Dallas
The
Cowboys are on fire! You do not want any part of them in the playoffs.
They’ve won five in a row, they have a stranglehold on the NFC East,
aaaand I’ll be honest I didn’t catch their last game. Let me just check
what happened ... Zero points?!? They didn’t score a point against the
Colts. How did that happen? Alright, so perhaps we all got a little
carried away on anointing Dallas as the most threatening team heading
into the playoffs. Or perhaps not ... What’s more threatening than an
opponent you think you’ve got beat? An asteroid heading directly for
earth of course. I think that’s unequivocally more threatening. Didn’t
you see Armageddon? Deep Impact? Anyway, if we’re talking in terms of
football these Cowboys should still be considered highly dangerous and
handled with care. In other words, whoever plays them in the playoffs
should focus on beating them.
Cowboys 27-20
Minnesota @ Detroit
For
the Vikings these next two weeks are simple, win both games and you’re
in the playoffs. For the Lions the goal is perhaps even simpler,
wreak havoc. Yes, Detroit is merely here to play spoiler this week, and
if I were them I would attempt to take it to the next level. I wouldn’t
just spoil the Vikings’ season I would spoil countless movies in the
process. The audibles would be switched from “Omahas” and the like to
“Bruce Willis is a ghost!” or “Spacey is Soze!” or “Spacey is a rapist!”
That last one’s less of a movie spoiler and more of a news spoiler. Of
course the Minnesota players would be freaking out and trying to plug
their ears, they’d be in total disarray. That would allow Matt Stafford
to slice and dice the Vikings’ D just like Billy and Stu in Scream. Spoiler
alert!
Vikings 20-17
New York Giants @ Indianapolis
It’s
possible for the Colts to finish 10-6 and miss the playoffs. That
hasn’t happened to a team since 2015 when the Jets got squeezed out.
Indy shouldn’t fret though, because those Jets used that near miss as a
springboard to subsequent records of 5-11, 5-11, and now 4-10. Uh oh. Ok, so the
Colts need to make the playoffs by any means necessary. I’m guessing
they’ll send an operative to San Diego to poison the Ravens at their
team hotel in an effort to ensure they lose to the Chargers. Nice try
Colts! The Ravens aren’t staying in San Diego, they’re playing in Los
Angeles you morons! Your franchise is doomed.
Colts 28-17
Jacksonville @ Miami
It’s
a good ol’ fashioned Florida fracas! And since the three teams from the
state all play on different divisions residents from the panhandle to
the southern tip will be coming out in full force to have a look-see at
this one. Of course this game will have the trappings of any
intra-Floridian contest: a smattering of live gators allowed to roam the grass at their leisure, a ban on shirts for all males in attendance,
and a concurrent NASCAR race with its track surrounding the field. And, as per usual, the winning team will be granted
season passes to Busch Gardens. So crack a tall boy, grab a seat on the
couch in your front lawn, and enjoy this showcase of America’s finest
state.
Dolphins 26-14
Buffalo @ New England
This
is it, the Patriots are finally through. They’re third in the AFC at
9-5, have lost back to back games, and are sputtering toward the
postseason. This of course means they’ll win their last two and fall
into the #2 seed at worst. Then the top team in the AFC will lose in the
second round giving New England a home game for the conference
championship, which they’ll undoubtedly win to move on to another Super
Bowl. So yeah, nothing has changed here.
Patriots 30-16
Green Bay @ New York Jets
The
Packers are officially out of playoff contention. Perhaps they
R-E-L-A-Xed too much. Now there’s speculation that Aaron Rodgers will be
shut down for the remainder of the season. I for one happen to know
that he will play, because there’s nothing that Rodgers enjoys more than
playing through the pain and exaggerating how much it’s affecting him.
Packers 23-20
Houston @ Philadelphia
The
Eagles are back! And after beating the Rams in LA they’ve proven that
they can go toe to toe with anybody in the playoffs. The only problem is
that they still need quite a bit of help to actually qualify for the
postseason. But good luck telling Nick Foles he can’t do something.
People have been trying that his whole life, and he used to listen to
them. But after Super Bowl LII, no one can tell him what he can’t do. As a
result Foles has committed a staggering number of crimes over the past
ten months. Most of them are petty thefts or involve unpaid restaurant
bills, but I happen to know that he also drove a Ferrari off the lot and
never came back. That trial is pending, but another trial awaits on
Sunday. In this one he’ll be found guilty, of losing.
Texans 26-23
Atlanta @ Carolina
A
lot of people are criticizing Cam Newton for wasting 10 seconds
celebrating a first down at the end of the first half in the Panthers loss to the Saints last Monday night. But I think everyone should lay off
Cam, I’m sure he knows he did something stupid and that he’ll learn from
it and grow as a person. I mean c’mon, this guy has a good head on his
injured shoulders, he’s not just going to carry on celebrating like a
moron while his team continues upon a devastating 8 game losing streak
to finish the season. That’s not going to happen. Or at least all signs
point to it not. Of course, that's because
he’s not playing for the remainder of the
season. Easy fix!
Falcons 27-15
Sunday Afternoon
Los Angeles Rams @ Arizona
The
Rams have to be glad to not be playing during prime time this week.
They’ve lost consecutive Sunday night games and have to feel like the
whole country is laughing at them. “Shut up! We’re actually good, we
swear! No that’s not pee on our pants, it’s sweat! We’ve been playing a
football game, that’s natural!” The rest of the nation likely rolled
their eyes at this and continued to snicker. Unfortunately for Los
Angeles the viewership on their game this week will be considerably
lower, meaning they’ll just have to tell everyone that they blew out the
Cardinals. Good luck convincing this skeptical country full of cynical
bastards. We’ll believe it when we see it pals! And no, we won't be
tuning in on Sunday! Nice try.
Rams 31-20
Chicago @ San Francisco
The
49ers gave played themselves out of the first pick of the draft. They
have the heart of a champion but the brain of child, and not a
particularly bright one. If they were smart they would’ve forfeited last
week’s game once they got to overtime and proved they could be
competitive. But alas, their pride got the better of them. Now though, a
pride of Bears comes roaring into the Bay to decimate the Niners. And
yes, I know that a “pride” is a group of lions, not bears, but answer me
this: what is a group of bears called? Exactly! You don’t know. Well I
got news for you, it’s called a “sleuth”. So see, it just wouldn’t have
worked as well. Though I guess I could’ve said that a sleuth of Bears
will be launching an investigation into a win. That does sound pretty cool
...
Bears 28-14
Pittsburgh @ New Orleans
With
the Rams’ loss last week the Saints now have to win only one of their
two remaining games to lock up home field advantage throughout the NFC
playoffs. This is a huge development, because going into New Orleans and
winning is a difficult proposition for anybody not named Ryan
Fitzpatrick. Meanwhile the Steelers need to keep winning to secure their
spot in the postseason even after their big victory over the Patriots
last week. So it would seem like something’s gotta give here, but not
necessarily. Remember, I said that the Saints only need to win one of
their remaining games to lock up that top seed in the NFC, so really all
the Steelers need to do is convince New Orleans to hold off on that
until next week and allow them to sneak away with a W here. If the Saints were
chill they’d do it.
Saints 30-27
Sunday Night
Kansas City @ Seattle
Seahawks 27-23
Monday Night
Denver @ Oakland
It’s
Christmas Eve and the NFL apparently thinks we’ve been naughty because
it’s gifting us a game that is the equivalent to a lump of shit in your stocking. I’m
sorry coal, I meant to type “coal”. And in case you thought this match-up
wasn’t lousy enough the Raiders signed Nathan Peterman this week. Merry
Christmas ya filthy animals.
Broncos 13-6
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