Sunday Morning
Miami @ Buffalo
Over
the past couple months as the standings started to shake out and it was
clear that some teams would offer no viewing value, be it in terms of
entertainment or relevancy, I made jokes about how
unnecessary it would be to tune in to certain games. Now, in the last week of
the season, the need to watch many of these games had reached its
nadir. There are no postseason implications, no fantasy implications, no
familial implications (meaning even the players’ wives, parents, and/or
children don’t need to see these). This match-up certainly falls into
that category. I assume the game will be a sell-out, because Bills fans
are maniacs and the only reason they’d miss a game is because they got
knocked out in the parking lot on a botched flaming table spot, but
outside of a select group of folks in western New York there won’t be a
lot of eyes on this one. I’ll bet Buffalo win, because at this point
they’re used to having nothing to play for.
Bills 23-16
Detroit @ Green Bay
The
Packers have reportedly interviewed Jim Caldwell and Chuck Pagano in
regards to their head coaching vacancy. So in other words, Green Bay is
hoping to avoid the playoffs at all costs for the foreseeable future.
Look, I’m not saying that those are uninspired choices, I’m saying that
they’re lame, foolish, and uninspired choices. However, if the goal is
to get Aaron Rodgers to retire then these coaching possibilities make a
lot of sense. And to be fair, the Packers let their fans own the team,
so it’s no wonder that this coaching search has gotten off to a bit of a
scatter shot start. As far as I can tell any of the fan owners can
simply call up and suggest a coaching candidate, at which point the GM must
schedule an interview. It’s taxing and a waste of time, but it’s so cool
to be able to say the fans own the team!
Packers 31-17
New York Jets @ New England
Surprise!
New England is back in line for a first round bye. It’s like death, we
all know it’s coming, but that doesn’t make it less lame. The Patriots
will surely win this game and enjoy next week at home sacrificing
babies, or whatever it is they do for fun. But this doesn’t necessarily
mean that the fans in New England should be comfortable with the state
of their team. The Patriots have been anything but impressive lately,
and a potential second round match-up with the Texans, Ravens, Chargers,
or Colts could present serious problems for Brady and Belichick ... and
Edelman, and Gronkowski, and McDaniels, and ... sorry I was going to
list the entirety of the roster and coaching staff, but you get the
idea, right? In summation, rest easy New England, for now.
Patriots 27-18
Carolina @ New Orleans
The
Saints have clinched the top spot in the NFC playoffs for only the
second time in franchise history. On the other occasion, in 2009, the
Saints went to the Super Bowl, so this bodes well for New Orleans. As a
result of their confirmed status they now have the option to rest
starters if they so choose. I, for one, believe they should at least sit Drew Brees, seeing as how their backup QB Teddy Bridgewater is
still much better than Kyle Allen, who will be taking snaps for
Carolina. Allen is starting in place of the Panthers' original Cam Newton replacement Taylor Heinicke, who was hurt during last week’s loss to the Falcons but
returned to the game despite the fact that Allen
looked better in his short appearance in fill-in duty. Perhaps the
refusal to stick with Allen was just stubbornness. It’s like someone insisting
upon only drinking Bud light over Coors or Miller. Look pal, they all
suck, why are you so preoccupied with one over the other? Like I said
though, neither one will be good enough to get a win here, even over a
depleted New Orleans roster.
Saints 23-17
Dallas @ New York Giants
The
Cowboys have no reason to start anybody in this game. Ok, well of course
they’ll have to put at least 11 players on the field at a time, but
that’s not my point. And actually saying at least 11 players is
misleading and downright incorrect. 11 is the maximum amount of players
they can put on the field. They can’t just trot 14 people out there and
see what happens. Anyway, what was my point? Oh right, Dallas should not
risk injuring any of their stars (meaning the players, not the logos)
in this inconsequential game. That being said, Sean Lee hasn’t played
much lately, likely making him a bit rusty and in need of plenty of reps
to get prepped for the playoffs. And with Lee, Dallas doesn’t have to
worry about an unnecessary injury because the guy’s an iron man on the
level of a Gehrig, or a Ripken, or an Oden. I say throw him in there and
let him get his hands dirty. What’s the worst that could happen?
Giants 24-9
Atlanta @ Tampa Bay
Two
seasons ago the Falcons were on the verge of a Super Bowl title. Last
season they were on the verge of making it to the NFC title game. Now
they’re on the verge of a cliff, and they’re about to fall off. Just
hang on Atlanta, we have a helicopter in the form of a new season coming
to rescue you. Um, ok we just talked to the pilot and it turns out he’s
not going to be here until next September ... Sorry ... Can you wait
until then? We’ll bring you some food in the meantime, what do you guys
like? Uh huh; well we have Slim Jims, and store brand
cola, so that will have to do for now. But we haven’t forgotten about
you buds! Just hang in there! Literally! Haha ... Yes, I understand that
that’s not very funny in this moment, I apologize. I mean, I think we’ll
all laugh about it later, but yes, I should have read the room.
Buccaneers 30-27
Jacksonville @ Houston
A
few weeks ago I theorized that we had seen Blake Bortles’ last start as
a Jacksonville Jaguar. It now appears I was wrong. Gloriously,
magnificently wrong. With Cody Kessler’s injury last week, all signs
point to Bortles returning to the QB1 slot for one last hurrah. What
should we expect from this beautiful boy in his grand finale? Six picks?
Possibly. Five TDs? Probably not, but perhaps. A lackluster 220 yard,
1TD, 1 INT performance? No! I refuse to accept that. Something amazing
or disastrous or amazingly disastrous must happen this Sunday, and I
will accept nothing less.
Texans 26-10
Sunday Afternoon
Los Angeles Chargers @ Denver
The
AFC playoff picture is like jell-o in a broken fridge, far from
solidified. While four teams have clinched a spot, no one is
currently locked into a seed. For instance, the Chargers could still end
up as the #1 seed or remain in the fifth spot and start their playoff
run next week on the road. So, as you can see the situation is a lot
like jell-o in a working refrigerator, there’s still a whole lot of
movement possible.
Chargers 31-13
Oakland @ Kansas City
The
only way for the Chargers to snare that top spot in the AFC, as
discussed above, is for the Chiefs to fall at home to the Raiders. Yes,
Kansas City has lost two straight, but losing here to Oakland is nearly
inconceivable. Then again, when these teams met four weeks ago the
Chiefs only won by 7, so perhaps it’s not as inconceivable as I first
thought. Then again ... again, Patrick Mahomes can set an NFL single
season record for passing TDs in a season if he throws for 8 scores in
this game, which could mean that there’s even more incentive for the
Chiefs to win in a blow out. Then again ... again ... again, 8 passing
TDs in one game would be an NFL record in its own right, so maybe that’s
not very realistic. Then again ... again ... again ... again, the
Raiders did give up 7 TDs to Nick Foles back in 2013, which is almost a
precedent, so who who knows? Then again ... again ... again ... again
... again, none of the Raiders who played defense in that game are still
on the team, so that 2013 contest is probably irrelevant. Then again
... again ... again ... again ... again ... again ...
Chiefs 35-20
San Francisco @ Los Angeles Rams
Over the past seven games, since Nick Mullens was made the 49ers starter, here’s how he compares with Jared Goff:
Mullens - 1,995 yds 10 TDs/7 Ints
Goff - 2,064 yds 11 TDs/7 Ints
So
does that mean Nick Mullens has been playing well or that Jared Goff
has not been great? Probably both. But when you look at Goff’s most
recent four games, he’s thrown just 2 TDs and 6 Ints. Now those are first rate
lousy numbers, and I imagine not encouraging for the Rams or their fans.
But Angelinos can take solace in the fact that they have C.J. Anderson,
who is averaging 167 yards rushing per game with the Rams. Granted,
he’s only played one game with LA so far, and Todd Gurley figures to be
fully ready to go for the playoffs, if not this Sunday, but at this point the
Rams have to find silver linings where they can, because their season
is completely coming off the rails. Anyway, I’ll think they’ll win here
to finish this disaster at 13-3.
Rams 27-17
Chicago @ Minnesota
If
the Vikings win this game they’ll be in the playoffs and likely play
the Bears again next week in Chicago. That begs the following questions:
do the Bears unfurl a full game plan on Sunday, or do they hold their
cards closer to the vest in case of a rematch? Also, would the Bears
prefer to play the Vikings over the Eagles and, to that end, rest their
starters here to aid in a Minnesota victory? Furthermore, what’s that
smell? If it was you just say something, because I'm starting to assume you’re lying
and I’m losing respect for you. In response to the first two queries, I
would assume that Chicago goes for the win at least in the beginning of
the game because they still have an outside shot at getting the #2 seed
in the NFC and a first round bye. But if the Rams are pulling away from
San Francisco the Bears may call off the ... bears and, in effect,
escort the Vikings into the playoffs. So in other words there will be a
lot of moving parts in addition to the normal ones, i.e. the players’
arms and legs.
Vikings 23-13
Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh
The
Steelers are on the verge of missing the playoffs for the first time
since 2013 and they have no one to blame but themselves. Well,
themselves and all the teams that have beaten them. Kind of a jerk move
by those guys. I mean what the heck, Pittsburgh was just trying to
go undefeated, why did everybody feel it necessary to get in their way? Lame.
But the Steelers can’t worry about that now, their sole focus needs to
be on the Bengals. Well actually they can probably afford to keep one
eye on Cincy and the other on the scoreboard to monitor that
Browns/Ravens game where they need a Cleveland win to help get them into
the postseason. Will they get the assistance they require? Pittsburgh will
have to wait until Sunday to find out. Or if they’re readers they can
just skip ahead a couple of games and find out.
Steelers 30-19
Arizona @ Seattle
The
Cardinals are one loss away from securing the number 1 pick in the 2019
draft. It seems obvious that they should take a loss here to
secure that spot; I mean what reason could they possibly have to want to
win? Oh I don’t know, how about saving Steve Wilks’ job?!? The Cards’
first year head coach is fighting for his professional life, and a
fourth win could really push him over the ... actually, he’s probably
screwed either way, so he might as well go out with a bang. I’m talking
no punts, no extra point attempts. Of course, they may turn the ball
over on every possession and not score any TDs, so those two might take
care of themselves. Or Wilks could go the other way and remain
completely silent and motionless for the entirety of the game. You think
you can do this without me? Let’s see you try! Though that could
completely backfire if Arizona ends up winning. I guess what we’ve
learned here is that this is a no-win scenario for Steve Wilks, and that
he’s probably better off just returning to hosting duties on his talk show. Wait that’s a different guy? Yikes, he’s really screwed
then.
Seahawks 34-14
Philadelphia @ Washington
The
Eagles’ Super Bowl title defense that seemed dead in the water for much
of the season, and as recently as two weeks ago, has made it to Week 17
with its heart still beating. Sure they’re going to need a blood
transfusion from Chicago to keep it pumping after Sunday, but if we’ve
learned one thing from these Eagles over the last two seasons it’s that
you should never count them out. If we’ve learned a second thing from
them it’s that you should almost always go for it on fourth down. And if
we’ve learned a third thing it’s that you can go your own way. Oh wait,
I was thinking of the band Eagles, not the football team. And actually,
“Go Your Own Way” is a Fleetwood Mac song, so really that last piece of
information is completely irrelevant. Still, this team has taught us two things; pretty good, right?
Eagles 22-16
Cleveland @ Baltimore
Baker
Mayfield seems to really enjoy pissing people off. So there’s likely
nothing he’d enjoy more than knocking Baltimore out of the playoffs.
Then again, his distaste for the Steelers is probably greater than it is for the Ravens, and if he lost in
Baltimore he’d really ruffle Pittsburgh’s feathers. So actually it’s a
win-win situation for Mayfield, either way someone’s going to hate him.
The Browns have won five of their last six, however none of those were
against a team above .500. In fact, their only win over such a team all
season is their Week 5 W over these Ravens. On second thought though, these Ravens aren’t those Ravens. Meaning with Lamar Jackson at
quarterback, and homefield advantage Baltimore should prevail this week
and win the AFC North as a result. In the postgame press conference
look for Mayfield to really stick it to Pittsburgh by talking about how
stupid it is to put fries on a sandwich (his words, not mine).
Ravens 23-20
Sunday Night
Indianapolis @ Tennessee
Colts 28-23
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