NFL Picks - Week 16

Saturday 

Washington @ Tennessee 

Washington ended their four game losing streak last week and announced to the NFL that they are NOT out of the playoff race yet. To which the rest of the league replied, “Huh? What are you doing here? How did you get in my house? I’m calling the police.” Washington vacated the premises, but they’re not ready to do the same when it comes to the 2018 season just yet. Though this matchup against the Titans is looking less favorable by the week, with Tennessee running back Derrick Henry steamrolling defenses and uh, well I’m not really sure they have anything else going on at the moment, but maybe that’s enough. I’m guessing it will be this week. And after the game Washington will announce to the rest of the league, “We’re still not completely out of this, as long as we catch a couple breaks on Sunday. Now may we please use your bathroom?”

Titans 23-13 

Baltimore @ Los Angeles Chargers

This is a match-up between the two teams currently holding the AFC wild cards. If you ask me two wild cards in one game is too many. It’s like 5s and 6s? Uh ok, I have five of a kind ... and a full house. It’s just too ridiculous. In that vein, look for this game to be all kinds of nuts with both teams going all in on the first play and then one of them having to buy back in so that they can actually fill four quarters of action as mandated by league bylaws. Also the pizza hasn’t even arrived yet, so they should really keep playing. 

Chargers 24-19 

Sunday Morning

Cincinnati @ Cleveland 

There is still a path for the Browns to get to the playoffs. It is a winding path that still needs a lot of bushwhacking to make it navigable, but it can happen. Here’s the scenario: Washington beats Tennessee (it could happen), the Ravens lose to the Chargers (very possible), the Browns beat the Bengals here (likely), the Colts lose to the Giants (you never know with New York); then next week the Browns win in Baltimore (not impossible) and the Colts and Titans tie (uh oh). Ok, so any scenario that relies on a tie is precarious at best, but we’re talking about the Browns making the playoffs here, it’s a minor miracle that they’re this close so perhaps we shouldn’t rule out the seemingly impossible. Probably the easiest box to tick off on that checklist is Cleveland beating Cincinnati, and that’s exactly what will happen here. Or the Browns will spectacularly fall on their faces and we’ll all have a good laugh. 

Browns 31-17 

Tampa Bay @ Dallas

The Cowboys are on fire! You do not want any part of them in the playoffs. They’ve won five in a row, they have a stranglehold on the NFC East, aaaand I’ll be honest I didn’t catch their last game. Let me just check what happened ... Zero points?!? They didn’t score a point against the Colts. How did that happen? Alright, so perhaps we all got a little carried away on anointing Dallas as the most threatening team heading into the playoffs. Or perhaps not ... What’s more threatening than an opponent you think you’ve got beat? An asteroid heading directly for earth of course. I think that’s unequivocally more threatening. Didn’t you see Armageddon? Deep Impact? Anyway, if we’re talking in terms of football these Cowboys should still be considered highly dangerous and handled with care. In other words, whoever plays them in the playoffs should focus on beating them.

Cowboys 27-20 

Minnesota @ Detroit 

For the Vikings these next two weeks are simple, win both games and you’re in the playoffs. For the Lions the goal is perhaps even simpler, wreak havoc. Yes, Detroit is merely here to play spoiler this week, and if I were them I would attempt to take it to the next level. I wouldn’t just spoil the Vikings’ season I would spoil countless movies in the process. The audibles would be switched from “Omahas” and the like to “Bruce Willis is a ghost!” or “Spacey is Soze!” or “Spacey is a rapist!” That last one’s less of a movie spoiler and more of a news spoiler. Of course the Minnesota players would be freaking out and trying to plug their ears, they’d be in total disarray. That would allow Matt Stafford to slice and dice the Vikings’ D just like Billy and Stu in Scream. Spoiler alert!

Vikings 20-17 

New York Giants @ Indianapolis 

It’s possible for the Colts to finish 10-6 and miss the playoffs. That hasn’t happened to a team since 2015 when the Jets got squeezed out. Indy shouldn’t fret though, because those Jets used that near miss as a springboard to subsequent records of 5-11, 5-11, and now 4-10. Uh oh. Ok, so the Colts need to make the playoffs by any means necessary. I’m guessing they’ll send an operative to San Diego to poison the Ravens at their team hotel in an effort to ensure they lose to the Chargers. Nice try Colts! The Ravens aren’t staying in San Diego, they’re playing in Los Angeles you morons! Your franchise is doomed. 

Colts 28-17 

Jacksonville @ Miami

It’s a good ol’ fashioned Florida fracas! And since the three teams from the state all play on different divisions residents from the panhandle to the southern tip will be coming out in full force to have a look-see at this one. Of course this game will have the trappings of any intra-Floridian contest: a smattering of live gators allowed to roam the grass at their leisure, a ban on shirts for all males in attendance, and a concurrent NASCAR race with its track surrounding the field. And, as per usual, the winning team will be granted season passes to Busch Gardens. So crack a tall boy, grab a seat on the couch in your front lawn, and enjoy this showcase of America’s finest state.

Dolphins 26-14 

Buffalo @ New England 

This is it, the Patriots are finally through. They’re third in the AFC at 9-5, have lost back to back games, and are sputtering toward the postseason. This of course means they’ll win their last two and fall into the #2 seed at worst. Then the top team in the AFC will lose in the second round giving New England a home game for the conference championship, which they’ll undoubtedly win to move on to another Super Bowl. So yeah, nothing has changed here. 

Patriots 30-16 

Green Bay @ New York Jets 

The Packers are officially out of playoff contention. Perhaps they R-E-L-A-Xed too much. Now there’s speculation that Aaron Rodgers will be shut down for the remainder of the season. I for one happen to know that he will play, because there’s nothing that Rodgers enjoys more than playing through the pain and exaggerating how much it’s affecting him. 

Packers 23-20 

Houston @ Philadelphia 

The Eagles are back! And after beating the Rams in LA they’ve proven that they can go toe to toe with anybody in the playoffs. The only problem is that  they still need quite a bit of help to actually qualify for the postseason. But good luck telling Nick Foles he can’t do something. People have been trying that his whole life, and he used to listen to them. But after Super Bowl LII, no one can tell him what he can’t do. As a result Foles has committed a staggering number of crimes over the past  ten months. Most of them are petty thefts or involve unpaid restaurant bills, but I happen to know that he also drove a Ferrari off the lot and never came back. That trial is pending, but another trial awaits on Sunday. In this one he’ll be found guilty, of losing. 

Texans 26-23 

Atlanta @ Carolina 

A lot of people are criticizing Cam Newton for wasting 10 seconds celebrating a first down at the end of the first half in the Panthers loss to the Saints last Monday night. But I think everyone should lay off Cam, I’m sure he knows he did something stupid and that he’ll learn from it and grow as a person. I mean c’mon, this guy has a good head on his injured shoulders, he’s not just going to carry on celebrating like a moron while his team continues upon a devastating 8 game losing streak to finish the season. That’s not going to happen. Or at least all signs point to it not. Of course, that's because he’s not playing for the remainder of the season. Easy fix!

Falcons 27-15 

Sunday Afternoon 

Los Angeles Rams @ Arizona 

The Rams have to be glad to not be playing during prime time this week. They’ve lost consecutive Sunday night games and have to feel like the whole country is laughing at them. “Shut up! We’re actually good, we swear! No that’s not pee on our pants, it’s sweat! We’ve been playing a football game, that’s natural!” The rest of the nation likely rolled their eyes at this and continued to snicker. Unfortunately for Los Angeles the viewership on their game this week will be considerably lower, meaning they’ll just have to tell everyone that they blew out the Cardinals. Good luck convincing this skeptical country full of cynical bastards. We’ll believe it when we see it pals! And no, we won't be tuning in on Sunday! Nice try.

Rams 31-20 

Chicago @ San Francisco 

The 49ers gave played themselves out of the first pick of the draft. They have the heart of a champion but the brain of child, and not a particularly bright one. If they were smart they would’ve forfeited last week’s game once they got to overtime and proved they could be competitive. But alas, their pride got the better of them. Now though, a pride of Bears comes roaring into the Bay to decimate the Niners. And yes, I know that a “pride” is a group of lions, not bears, but answer me this: what is a group of bears called? Exactly! You don’t know. Well I got news for you, it’s called a “sleuth”. So see, it just wouldn’t have worked as well. Though I guess I could’ve said that a sleuth of Bears will be launching an investigation into a win. That does sound pretty cool ...

Bears 28-14 

Pittsburgh @ New Orleans

With the Rams’ loss last week the Saints now have to win only one of their two remaining games to lock up home field advantage throughout the NFC playoffs. This is a huge development, because going into New Orleans and winning is a difficult proposition for anybody not named Ryan Fitzpatrick. Meanwhile the Steelers need to keep winning to secure their spot in the postseason even after their big victory over the Patriots last week. So it would seem like something’s gotta give here, but not necessarily. Remember, I said that the Saints only need to win one of their remaining games to lock up that top seed in the NFC, so really all the Steelers need to do is convince New Orleans to hold off on that until next week and allow them to sneak away with a W here. If the Saints were chill they’d do it. 

Saints 30-27 

Sunday Night

Kansas City @ Seattle

It's a holiday spectacular in Seattle, and everyone's favorite color commentator will be there to shed light on it for all of us. Let's check-in with him now to get his thoughts going into Sunday. Cris?

I couldn't help but notice you didn't offer up a prediction there. Don't worry, I'll handle it.

Seahawks 27-23

Monday Night

Denver @ Oakland 

It’s Christmas Eve and the NFL apparently thinks we’ve been naughty because it’s gifting us a game that is the equivalent to a lump of shit in your stocking. I’m sorry coal, I meant to type “coal”. And in case you thought this match-up wasn’t lousy enough the Raiders signed Nathan Peterman this week. Merry Christmas ya filthy animals. 

Broncos 13-6 

 

NFL Picks - Week 15

Saturday

Houston @ New York Jets

Last week the Jets found themselves with a 4th & Goal from the 1 yard line down by 3 with 1:20 remaining. They decided to eschew the game-tying field goal and go for the win, which they got after a touchdown run. It was a seemingly heroic call by Todd Bowles, but in actuality he was just abiding by a little known league rule which states that game-tying field goals can not be attempted in the last 4 minutes of games played in December between teams that are out of realistic playoff contention. It’s an important statute that spares us meaningless overtimes and gets fans home earlier, which at this point in the season is really all they’re asking for. I don’t expect the Jets to have an opportunity for a game-tying field goal late in this one, but if they do, hopefully New York will go for the touchdown, because it’s dark and the roads are starting to ice over.

Texans 27-17




Cleveland @ Denver

I recently checked the standings to verify, and indeed, the Browns are two games out of first place in the AFC North. Of course, there are only three games remaining in the season, so that may not be of much consequence. But on the flip side, there are only three games remaining and the Browns are two games back! That’s a monumental feat at this point in the season. Usually the only time the Browns are two games back in the division is Week 2. Can they actually win the North? Probably not. But if I had told you before the season that in December it would still be a mathematic possibility you’d question the validity of math and all of its properties.

Browns 26-23




Sunday Morning

Arizona @ Atlanta

The race for the first pick in the 2019 draft is really heating up and surprisingly both of these teams find themselves in the thick of it. The Cardinals being there isn’t the surprising aspect, but the Falcons presence certainly is. At 4-9 Atlanta is only one game better than Arizona, San Francisco, and Oakland, who all share the league’s worst record at 3-10. The Falcons have lost five in a row and look to be in a downward spiral, which is especially problematic because they’re Falcons. At this point they’re probably better off losing out and trying to snag that #1 pick, but the Cardinals will be damned if they’re going to let that happen. This is an Arizona team that just put up 3 points against the Lions at home, there’s no way they’re going to let some Atlanta team a year removed from a playoff appearance just waltz in and bump them from the bottom of the standings. Nah, the Cards are going to lose hard and love every minute of it.

Falcons 24-13




Detroit @ Buffalo

Bills quarterback Josh Allen has run for 99, 135, and 101 yards in the last three games respectively. He would be a heck of a dual-threat quarterback if only he could throw the ball. At the moment Allen is completing 52% of his passes and has thrown 9 interceptions. That may not seem like a lot, but the number becomes magnified when you consider that he’s only thrown 5TDs, the same amount he’s run for this season. Look, I get it, the guy’s a rookie. So what if he’s unpolished and uses his legs to bail himself out, can I really hold that against him at this point in his career? Certainly not. Now if he doesn’t throw for 300+ yards this week then I’m ready to write him off once and for all. Get it together kid!

Bills 20-17




Green Bay @ Chicago

The Packers snapped a three game losing streak and are now only a game behind Minnesota for the second wild card in the NFC. Wait, what? I thought Green Bay was in full-blown disaster mode. Now they’re only a game out of the playoffs? How did his happen? Oh right, everybody in the NFC keeps losing. So it’s not so much that the Packers have climbed out of the cellar, it’s that the rest of the conference has tumbled down to the dregs with them. That doesn’t matter to Green Bay though, they just care that winning their final 3 games could very well get them into the playoffs. That’s literally all they care about. Not even climate change guys; they don’t even care about the fact that the earth will be uninhabitable soon. Nope, these Packers have an irresponsible level of tunnel vision, and sadly that acute focus won’t translate into success this Sunday.

Bears 24-19




Oakland @ Cincinnati

The city of Oakland has filed a lawsuit against the NFL related to the Raiders impending move to Las Vegas, leading those in the know to conclude that there’s no chance the team plays their final lame duck season in Oakland. So where will the Raiders go for 2019 before their new Vegas stadium is ready for the 2020 season? A handful of locations have been bandied about, including Santa Clara and Glendale, Arizona, but my favorite possibility is San Diego. How maddening would it be to San Diegans to have the Raiders as the “home team” in your city while the Chargers are playing in LA? Also what would they be called? You can’t call them the Oakland Raiders, and I doubt that anybody involved would want to label them the San Diego Raiders. They wouldn’t be in Las Vegas yet, so that wouldn’t make sense either. The only option left is to simply call them Raiders for the entirety of 2019. This has instantly become the most important storyline in the league. Super Bowls come and go, but a team with no location is historic.

Bengals 27-23




Dallas @ Indianapolis

Does December 21, 2014 mean anything to you? It does to the Colts. On that day, the last time these two teams played, Dallas beat Indianapolis 42-7. Andrew Luck and the Colts have waited four long years to exact revenge, and their time has finally come. Pay no mind to the fact that only a handful of current players on either team were on their respective rosters back in 2014. That’s irrelevant, because I happen to know that the first thing you hear about when you walk into the Colts HQ in Indianapolis is that fateful loss to the Cowboys four years ago. The whole organization has had a singular focus for the last 1,454 days. This Sunday they get their redemption. And if they don’t at least they’ll have something to look forward to in 2022.

Colts 26-24




Miami @ Minnesota

After a close viewing of the Vikings’ Monday night loss in Seattle I’m left with the troubling conclusion that Kirk Cousins is pretty lousy. Minnesota fired their offensive coordinator on Tuesday but they have to be wondering if the quarterback that they gave a guaranteed $84 million to is the real problem. They also have to be wondering, “Did I leave the stove on?” Time will tell with Cousins; as for the latter question they should call Karen and ask her if she can run home and check during her lunch hour. Sure she might be a bit perturbed. but she works closer to home and it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Vikings 27-10




Tennessee @ New York Giants

The Giants have won four of their last five leaving them with the possibility of finishing 8-8 and actually making the playoffs. Sure a lot would have to happen, but a lot had to happen just to get them to this point already. In fact, a lot had to happen to get all of us to where we are at this very moment, so let’s just take a second to appreciate the cosmic tumblers that have left us with the Giants’ postseason relevancy in Week 15 of the 2018 NFL season.

Giants 28-20




Washington @ Jacksonville

Josh Johnson vs. Cody Kessler, need I say more? Actually I probably should elaborate a bit since it’s possible that you’ve never heard of either of those people. Josh Johnson and Cody Kessler are quarterbacks in the National Football League and they are actually both going to be starting in this game. Not much is known about either man. Presumably they played in college somewhere, are most likely between the ages of 23 and 35, and are at least somewhat able-bodied. Unfortunately these two will remain shrouded in darkness because the NFL has announced that no cameras will be allowed at this game. It’s disappointing, but probably the humane decision.

Jaguars 20-6




Tampa Bay @ Baltimore

Lamar Jackson has been named the starting quarterback for the Ravens despite Joe Flacco finally being healthy enough to play. When he heard the news I’m guessing Flacco went ballistic, flipping tables, rifling footballs into lockers, cursing out staff ... Either that or he simply shrugged and went back to chilling to the max in classic FlacMan fashion. The QB decision is probably the right move for a Ravens team that can ensure a playoff spot if they win out, and could very well win the division. But don’t be surprised if at some point Jackson gets sloppy or banged up and Flacco needs to emerge from the bench to save the day. Though you also shouldn’t be surprised if he emerges from the bench and makes things worse. Either way Joe won’t be fazed, because he’s FlacMan cool.

Ravens 31-16




Sunday Afternoon

Seattle @ San Francisco

There are only two afternoon games this Sunday, and one of them is the annual circus that is Pats/Steelers, which means this contest will be played in near total anonymity. There’s a good chance that even the refs will be watching the other game on their phones, allowing the players to get away with plenty. Or better yet, since these teams played just two weeks ago the league could just air a replay of that game and see if anybody notices. The Niners may take umbrage with that plan since they lost the Week 13 match-up, but would they really be that upset? Losses are more valuable at this point to the front runner (back runner?) for the #1 pick in the draft. Is this ethical or even legal? No, but does it save time and energy? Yes. And if that’s the goal then ethics and laws should be thrown out the window.

Seahawks 30-17




New England @ Pittsburgh

Many have second guessed Bill Belichick’s decision to put Rob Gronkowski in on defense for the final play of the game in the Patriots’ shocking loss to the Dolphins last Sunday. And I think the criticism is warranted, however, if I was Belichick I would double down this week and make Gronkowski my starting free safety. Sure he’d probably get burned repeatedly by speedier wide receivers, but the point would be proved: I didn’t make a situational mistake, I legitimately think Gronkowski gives us the best chance to win. He should take him out of the game in a Hail Mary situation though, because playing offense and defense the whole game would leave him too tired to jump.

Steelers 34-31




Sunday Night

Philadelphia @ Los Angeles Rams

Before the season this looked like it may be a conference title game preview. Now the Eagles are struggling to stay above water in the playoff race. Let's hear what SNF analyst Cris Collinsworth has to say about this tilt:

Slightly unprofessional, but I can't blame you.

Rams 28-14




Monday Night

New Orleans @ Carolina

As I’m sure you know, the Panthers have lost five straight and seen their once rock-solid playoff chances fall to iffy at best. But what many aren’t pointing out is that four of those five losses were road games, and Carolina just has a hard time winning those. Really it’s sadistic of the NFL to make the Panthers play away from home so frequently when they struggle with it so greatly. Finally the league has done the compassionate thing and given Carolina a home game against the ... Saints?!? Oh c’mon that’s not fair! Although New Orleans’ offense has looked rather pedestrian the past two weeks, so there’s a chance that the Panthers’ D could stop ... ya know as I was typing it I was hearing just how ludicrous it sounded in my head so I had to stop.

Saints 24-17 

NFL Picks - Week 15 Thursday

Los Angeles Chargers @ Kansas City

For about 10 minutes last Sunday it looked like the Chiefs would fall out of the top spot in the AFC, but by the end of the day their lead on the rest of the field had grown to two games. Oh wait, never mind, I forgot about the Chargers, they’re only one game behind KC right there in the same division. Hey don’t blame me for overlooking the Chargers, the whole city of LA has done the same thing for the last two years. A win here would be hard to ignore though, as it would thrust the Chargers into a tie with the Chiefs atop the AFC West. Conversely a Charger loss would thrust Kansas City to the division title. Of course, there’s always a possibility that these teams thrust each other into a tie and leave us right back where we started. Whatever happens this promises to be one that you won’t want to miss, thrust me.

Chiefs 33-28 


 

NFL Picks - Week 14

Sunday Morning

New York Jets @ Buffalo

These teams met one month ago when the Bills embarrassed the Jets 41-10 in MetLife Stadium. And keep in mind this is the Jets we’re talking about, so it takes a LOT to make them embarrassed. Now the Jets get their rematch with one thing on their mind: revenge ... and pride ... and their draft positioning. Ok so there are a few things on their mind, and that last one is in stark contrast with the other two interests. Last week New York wisely blew a (relatively) large lead in a loss to the Titans that helped move them into position for the #3 pick in the 2019 draft if the season ended today. Luckily for all of us, the season does not end today, and we get to see yet another epic struggle between these two squadrons for last place in the AFC East. Will the Jets' desire for retribution outweigh their considerations of the future? Watch Sunday to find out! Just goofing, don’t watch this game, have some respect for yourself, you’re better than that. I’m not though, so I’m going to watch the hell out of this.

Bills 24-20




Carolina @ Cleveland

Last week the Panthers dropped their fourth straight game to fall to 6-6. So after throwing four interceptions and suffering a brutal loss that did further damage to his team’s playoff chances how did Cam Newton show up to the postgame press conference? Like this. “Look, I know I had a terrible game, and our team is in a total downward spiral, but look at my new hat! Isn’t it fun?!?” Don’t you pack a second suit in case of a loss? It’s difficult to appear somber in a suit that fancy. He looks like he’s at Liberace’s funeral. In reality there may soon be a funeral for the 2018 Panthers, and one can only imagine what Newton will wear to that.

Browns 29-26




Atlanta @ Green Bay

The Packers finally suffered their first home loss of the season to ... the Cardinals, a team whose only wins this season prior to last Sunday were over the 49ers. Green Bay now has two things in common with San Fran, as they’re also the only teams in the league that haven’t won on the road. Being in the same boat as the Niners isn’t what the Packers had in mind coming into the season. What did they have in mind? A division title, a deep playoff run, and a bunch of weird, sick thoughts. Like real gross stuff guys, you don’t want to know. The Falcons had similar aspirations before the season began, but without all the messed up junk. Man, you don’t want to know what I’ve seen. Anyway, what we’re left with is the 2018 Disappointment Bowl. And as is tradition with Disappointment Bowls past all of the players’ parents will be in attendance to look on and solemnly shake their heads for the duration of the game. Well ok, not everyone’s parents.

Packers 33-30


Baltimore @ Kansas City

The Ravens are in the driver seat for the last wild card spot in the AFC, but they need to remain very attentive at the wheel and regularly check their rear view mirror, because there are a number of teams chasing them. Baltimore is 7-5 while four other AFC contenders are tailgating them at 6-6. And unfortunately on this AFC freeway tailgating is totally legal. A recent proposition to make it a criminal offense was voted down by a slim margin, so for the foreseeable future chaos will continue to reign. And don’t even get me started on the AFC's lack of a seatbelt law. Look, I normally like to keep politics out of this space, but someone has to say something or else more AFC teams will lose their seasons. In fact, I expect 10 of them to be finished this time next month. Will one of those be Baltimore? Time will tell, but it seems like they’ll be able to drive a lot faster with Lamar Jackson at the helm.

Chiefs 27-23




New England @ Miami

Uh oh Patriots, it’s that week again. That mysterious time of the year when you travel to Miami and inexplicably lose to a floundering Dolphins team. It’s a phenomenon akin to the Northern Lights, tidal patterns, or the movement of the sun in the sky, no one knows what causes it, yet it remains inevitable. Good luck New England! However, as we all know it will take more than luck to overcome this, it will require a cosmic shift.

Dolphins 24-23




New Orleans @ Tampa Bay

The Bucs have won two in a row to somehow remain alive in the NFC playoff picture. The bad news for them is that the Saints are coming to town on 10 days rest, pissed that they just lost to Dallas, and extra pissed that they lost to Tampa in Week 1. Good luck Bucs! They don’t even have Ryan Fitzpatrick to bail them out this time. I expect this to be the first of four straight losses to close out the season for Tampa and leave them with a 5-11 record. That’s not the most consequential prediction to make, but it will be slightly humorous at the end of the year to look back at this moment when they were still technically in the wild card race. This is why when networks show their playoff picture graphic they need a separate designation for teams that are still mathematically alive but who we all know aren’t making it. Maybe “In the Hunt, But C’mon” or “Doubtfuls” or “Buccaneers”.

Saints 41-25




New York Giants @ Washington

Washington’s season has fallen apart and I believe I know the real cause. Head coach Jay Gruden is a big Broadway fan, and as such he instituted a team rule banning players and staff from saying “have a good game” or “good luck,” and forcing them to instead say “break a leg.” This edict has backfired terribly as quarterbacks Alex Smith and Colt McCoy have literally broken their legs. Washington’s starting quarterback is now Mark Sanchez, which means Gruden will keep his Broadway rule in place for now in hopes that it will claim another victim. Why? The other option is actually playing Mark Sanchez. Encouraging a third leg break is probably the wise move.

Giants 24-17




Indianapolis @ Houston

The Colts were on a five game winning streak and looking like a good bet to make the playoffs until they went to Jacksonville last week and scored zero points. It’s literally impossible to win a game in the NFL when you score zero points; trust me I went back through the record books and checked, it’s never happened. In fact it’s never happened across all of sports. If Indy wants to work their way back into playoff position they’ll have to do better than that. In fact they’ll have to win this game in Houston if they want any shot at a division title, because a Texans win or tie clinches the AFC South for the team from the Lone Star State. It will be a difficult task for the Colts seeing as how the Texans have won 9 in a row and scored points in every single one of their games this season. Indy will have to improve fast if they want to keep up with that pace.

Texans 30-23




Sunday Afternoon

Cincinnati @ Los Angeles Chargers

Every team in the league has played 12 games, meaning we’ve now entered the fourth quarter of the regular season. So now everybody can put four fingers up in the air like they’re the only team that does it. In years past those fingers have been a harbinger of calamity for the Chargers, however this season they’re keeping it together in the final period of games. In fact, last week they mounted a second half comeback managing to make the Steelers more closely resemble the Chargers of old. But maybe this macro fourth quarter of the season is where LA will flounder this time; a more grand, next level collapse that tops their single game meltdowns of the past. The good news for the Chargers? They’ve almost clinched a playoff spot as is, and even if they win out there’s a possibility that they’ll still be a wild card at 13-3. So Philip Rivers and Co. can feel free to get real sloppy over the next month without much consequence. Have fun you bumbling fools!

Chargers 38-10




Denver @ San Francisco

The Broncos continue to stampede their way back from the brink of oblivion and toward a possible playoff berth. Unfortunately they’ll have to keep stampeding, because traveling through the air is unrealistic now that their leading receiver Emmanuel Sanders will miss the rest of the season with a torn Achilles. That leaves Denver with a corps of wide receivers that have a combined 37 receptions on the season. 37! And 28 of those belong to Courtland Sutton! The passing game was never going to be the strength of this team, but now it’s likely a liability. It’s like they brought a knife to a gun fight only to have the event organizers say, “Sorry, were gonna need to take the knife. It’s against the rules.” I can’t say that I blame those officials, I mean they were clear when they told everybody it was a gun fight, but if all the Broncos have is a knife you should at least let them try to defend themselves.

49ers 23-20


Philadelphia @ Dallas

Normally I suffer from a major case of NFC East fatigue, but this time the game  really matters, so it actually makes sense to have it shoved down our throats. I’ve always said you can shove whatever you want down my throat, as long as I agree with the reasoning. With a win the Cowboys can take a stranglehold on the division, and need only one more victory to clinch the division (I’m not factoring Washington in at all because I don’t think it’s necessary to at this point), whereas a loss would split the season series with Philadelphia and pull the Eagles even with Dallas at 7-6. Some might consider the Cowboys losing laughable after their monumental win over the Saints for their fourth straight victory, but if you look at the winning margins you’ll see that each game in that streak was decided by one score. Look, a win is a win, and Dallas deserves credit, but they haven’t necessarily been dominating teams. My point being that the Eagles have a shot in this one. That being said, Philly has been the picture of mediocrity at 6-6 with a -8 point differential on the season. So I guess that means we’re in for another one score win from Dallas. Wow, sometimes this is easy.

Cowboys 24-19




Pittsburgh @ Oakland

This Steelers team seems like it’s on the verge of blowing itself up. So it’s good for them that they’re visiting the Defuser himself Jon Gruden. If you have a squad on the verge of destruction turn to the Defuser and he’ll get you out of trouble. He follows his simple two step method: 1. Let you play his team 2. Get beaten by 20+. Before you know it your team will be back on track and ready to go up against actual competition. But don’t send the Defuser a thank you note, all he asks in return is that you dole out a career ending injury to his quarterback.

Steelers 38-28




Detroit @ Arizona

Tickets to this game can be found online for as low as $15, which I can only attribute to the fact that it's being played in doors in Arizona. If this were in a cold weather city these tickets would be free. The only scenario in which I can imagine someone buying tickets to this is if they promised their kids that they’d take them to a game this year, and then the parent shrewdly bided their time until the end of the season when they could take the whole family for under $100. Of course this move will totally backfire when the children are so pissed that they were forced to watch a Lions/Cards game that the parent in question then has to compensate by over-spending on Christmas presents in a (most likely) futile attempt to win back the kids’ love. God bless you Zona dad, you tried, sort of.

Cardinals 23-21




Sunday Night

Los Angeles Rams @ Chicago

It's a real humdinger in the Windy City and Cris Collinsworth will be there to cover the blow-by-blow. Let's check in with him and see what he thinks about this match-up:

I would watch that show.

Rams 30-24




Monday Night

Minnesota @ Seattle

There are a lot of similarities between these teams. Each has 5 losses, they’re both in wild card position, neither has beat a team with a winning record, yet neither has been defeated by a team with a losing record. Oh wait, the Seahawks beat the Cowboys (7-5) and the Vikings lost a miserable home game to the Bills (4-8). So never mind, the Seahawks have the better resume by leaps and bounds. And the good news is, I’m hiring baby! I can’t offer you a salary, but you guys get paid a bunch already anyway, right? Great, you can start Monday ... What do you mean you’re busy?!?

Seahawks 27-20 

NFL Picks - Week 14 Thursday

Jacksonville @ Tennessee

The Titans remain in playoff contention after scoring a late touchdown to complete a comeback win over the Jets last week. However, I’m of the belief that any team who needs to overcome a 16 point deficit to beat the Jets should be disqualified from 2018 playoff consideration. Of course, Tennessee will most likely take care of disqualifying themselves soon enough. Looking ahead at their remaining schedule: Jacksonville, @ NY Giants, Washington, and Indianapolis, I could see the Titans winning or losing all of those games. Guess we’ll have to watch them all to find out! You guys want to come over to my place for them? I’d say we could do your place but last time you said your building wouldn’t allow TVs, which is weird because I always see you tweeting about Manifest, and I just don’t get how you’d be able to watch that show if you don’t have a TV. Anyway, let me know by kick-off!

Titans 23-16