11.08.2012

NFL Picks - Week 10

Sunday Morning

New York Giants @ Cincinnati

After a tough loss to the Steelers last Sunday the Giants are headed back on the road. And they couldn't be happier! That's because they're 3-1 away from MetLife Stadium, and they outscore the home team by almost 14 points per game. They're also really happy because any number of the players rampantly cheat on their wives, so going out of town is a real blast for them. Meanwhile the Bengals have dropped four in a row, but as we all know, in some cases appearances can be deceiving. This is not one of those cases, but it's still a valid point.

Giants 30-20


Tennessee @ Miami

It's the 'Phins versus the 'Tans in a battle of ... Ok, let's start over, 'Tans is a terrible nickname for Titans. I'm still a little new at this word processing, but from what I understand I just have to type delete and that will get rid of everything I just did. D-E-L-E-T-E.

Hey there sports fans, we've got a humdinger of a ...ugggh D-E-L-E-T-E

Mia-mi oh my, the Dolphins are D-E-L-E-T-E

Tennis-see anyone? "Bring 'em on," say the Dolphins, which in their language sounds more like, "Eeee-e-e-e-e eeeee!" K-E-E-P

Dolphins 27-17


Detroit @ Minnesota

The Lions have clawed their way back into the playoff hunt despite a 1-3 start and after this game they'll play 5 of their last 7 at home, which is advantageous, but it's also Detroit so they're probably not too thrilled. As for the Vikings, their playoff chances appear to be slipping away after 3 losses in their last 4 games and remaining contests against the Bears (twice), Packers (twice), and Texans. This is a tricky game to pick, but you know what? Tricks are for kids. Wait a minute, Trix are for kids, Yikes, now this game's even more confusing. I'll pick the Lions to stay hot even inside a dome with infamously powerful air conditioning.

Lions 27-24



Buffalo @ New England

The last time these two teams met the Patriots put up 45 second half points against the Bills, and you just know that Buffalo is itching for revenge. How do you know that? Seriously, how? Please reveal your source(s) in the comments section below. New England should be well rested after their bye week, but good luck telling Bill Belichick what his team should be, if anything he'll have 'em less rested just to prove a point. Man, what a genius.

Patriots 38-14



Atlanta @ New Orleans

In a town that loves to celebrate a funeral it seems appropriate that this might be the game in which the Saints' season dies. However, New Orleans is also a city that knows a thing or two about voodoo, meaning that even if the Saints do suffer a loss this week they may still rise from the dead later, much like the carcass of Bernie Lomax in the middling 1993 comedy "Weekend at Bernie's 2." I've picked the Falcons to lose their first game two weeks in a row, and they still haven't, so I'll give them a break and pick them to get to 9-0, which all but assures a Saints victory.

Falcons 31-28


San Diego @ Tampa Bay

The Bucs come into this game with the hottest running back in the NFL; Doug Martin has amassed 486 yards from scrimmage over the last two games. On a related note, the Chargers come into this game with the haughtiest quarterback in the league; Philip Rivers is just a real prick (ok, full disclosure, I had to look up haughty to make sure I was using it right, and to be honest it's still a stretch). Tampa's offense has been unstoppable as of late, averaging 36 points per game over their last four. San Diego has the number 4 rushing D in the league but until someone stops Doug Martin I won't bet against the Bucs. Then again, I don't actually bet on any of these games, so that really means nothing.

Buccaneers 28-21



Denver @ Carolina

The Panthers got their second win of the season last week, though when you think about it, isn't having the courage to take the field each week as good as a win? I say no. Not even close, in fact. This week the courageous Peyton Manning comes to Carolina with the Broncos riding a 3 game win streak. A horse riding something else? Yes! In today's National Football League it's possible. That streak will most likely grow to 4 games, which will make it easier for the Broncos to ride even further.

Broncos 24-20


Oakland @ Baltimore

It's tough to figure out what the Ravens are right now as they have been somewhat mediocre since losing Ray Lewis and Ladarius Webb. It's also tough to figure out what ravens are. I mean, it's just kind of a shaggy crow, right? Pretty lame. Teams should be more creative when they're picking nicknames. Don't just go with some lame bird, and if you do at least make it alliterative. Anyway, Baltimore should be able to hold off the wild and crazy Raiders. I call them that because their games always seem out of control, but also because they'll go anywhere and do anything to find football teams having fun.

Ravens 31-23


Sunday Afternoon


New York Jets @ Seattle

We all remember when Mark Sanchez announced his plans to leave USC after his Junior season and Pete Carroll, his head coach at the time, openly stated that he was against the decision. Well, this Sunday Sanchez finally gets the opportunity to personally show Carroll that he was right, another year of college would have served him well. Just look at Russell Wilson, that guy went to two colleges and he's kick-ass. I expect Russ to continue his ascension towards greatness this week while a sullen Tim Tebow sits on the sideline with a small grin. Why the grin? As upset as he is at his lack of playing time, nobody appreciates an ascension more than Teebs.

Seahawks 24-12



Dallas @ Philadelphia

It's become quite clear that these teams are just flat out mediocre, and another loss for either would most likely spell an end to their season. The news only gets worse from there, because it's most likely that either the Cowboys or Eagles will lose this game. The bad news for the rest of the country is that only one of these teams can lose this game, meaning we'll still have to deal with one of them for a few more weeks. I'll pick Dallas to get the win and stay in the playoff hunt with 5 of their next 6 games at home.

Cowboys 21-20


St. Louis @ San Francisco

I do not expect the Rams to score in this game, making it very difficult for them to win.

49ers 23-0


Sunday Night


Houston @ Chicago

It's a marquee match-up of 7-1 teams featuring what may be the two leading candidates for Defensive Player of the Year. The Bears' Charles Tillman has been taking balls away all season while the Texans' J.J. Watt has been knocking balls down, not to mention sacking quarterbacks, all while sort of reminding me of Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; I'm willing to bet that there's a brain in his midsection controlling him. This game may come down to which quarterback can maintain a level head in the face of relentless pressure. So the question becomes, can Jay Cutler keep his cool? Jay, what do you think? ... Me neither.

Texans 17-14


Monday Night


Kansas City @ Pittsburgh

My favorite stat of this NFL season is the oft-mentioned anecdote that the Chiefs have yet to lead a game all season. One aspect that I'm not thrilled with, however, is the fact that I picked them to make the playoffs. Uh oh! What a mistake! They're going to have to start getting leads and fast if they don't want to make me look like an idiot. Unfortunately I'm not sure that that's any concern of theirs at this point, and they have a tough match-up on the road. It looks like one more week without a lead for these sacks of poo.

Steelers 24-6

1 comment:

jah sun said...

while Ravens may not be alliterative, it is literative, as a nod to "The Raven" by E.A. Poe who was a Baltimore native.