NFL Picks - Week 12

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ Miami

The Seahawks are coming off their bye week to take the longest road trip the NFL has to offer, unless you count the London games, but those are just exhibitions so I don't include them (Whoops! Just checked and it turns out those are real games, man I've been way off these last few years; to be fair though I don't watch much football ... yeeeeessssh, please forget I said that). At this point it's clear that any game away from home is a test for the Hawks, but tests were meant to be aced. Or flunked I suppose, that's the whole point of tests, to prove whether or not you can pass them. Speaking of passing, Russell Wilson! Go Hawks.

Seahawks 23-16


Minnesota @ Chicago

These teams will be meeting two times in the next three weeks, a scheduling anomaly that will occur a total of three times across the league this season. I don't remember this happening as often in the past, meaning that the addition of more Thursday games has to be the cause. I hope you're happy Goodell, I hope you're happy! (Just heard back from the commissioner's office, and he is indeed quite pleased). Obviously Jason Campbell is not going to get it done as the Bears' starting QB; sorry that should have said Jason Campbell is not going to get it done as a starting QB. Though it's also hard for me to believe that Christian Ponder can go to Chicago and get a win against the Bears' D.

Bears 17-13


Oakland @ Cincinnati

Ohhhh baby, it's time for some sweet sweet revenge for Carson Palmer, or maybe for the Bengals, wait who was at fault in that dispute again? I remember that Palmer simply refused to play, which is always admirable, and that the Bengals finally did trade him for an insane amount of high draft picks. On second thought I wouldn't be surprised to see the city of Cincinnati throw Carson Palmer a parade upon his return. It would be especially savvy if they held the parade right around kickoff time to distract Palmer, leaving the Raiders with Matt Leinart at the helm, which I think we can all agree would be a heck of a lot of fun.

Bengals 34-20 


Pittsburgh @ Cleveland

Is it fitting that in a week so known for food that a fresh Batch will be starting at quarterback for the Steelers? Or is it merely a lame, witless pun used as a desperate tactic by a hack writer that has an ever-dwindling amount of salient points to offer about his subject matter? You be the judge; but it's probably the first one. As apropos as his newly elevated spot on the depth chart may be, I don't see Charlie Batch getting a road victory, even against the Browns.

Browns 16-14


Buffalo @ Indianapolis

Andrew Luck seemed to come back to Earth a bit last week in a 59-24 blowout loss at New England, but don't tell that to anyone in the media. As that debacle was unfolding Phil Simms, the color commentator for the game, was endlessly slurping Luck as if he were the one leading his team to a 30 point win. To hear it from Simms nothing negative that transpired for the Colts could be considered Luck's fault. It's obvious that Luck is a promising quarterback, but right now he has 12 TDs and 12 INTs, can we slow down just a bit on anointing him the future of the position? I mean, maybe if he had a better ratio, like oh I don't know, let's say 15 TDs and 8 INTs we could have that discussion. That being said, I think Luck will dominate the Bills because he's possibly one of the type five quarterbacks in the league right now, if not ever.

Colts 28-21


Denver @ Kansas City

A lot of folks are saying that the Broncos are the hottest team in the NFL right now. Hmmm, maybe. If you ask me Peyton Manning's kind of weird looking and while Eric Decker's pretty dreamy that hair of his isn't doing much for me. Ok, now that I think about it a bit more they probably meant something else by "hottest team in the NFL," man is there egg on my face; and I don't mean figuratively, I just had a calamitously comedic kitchen accident. After taking all of this into account it seems clear the Denver will win easily.

Broncos 27-10


Atlanta @ Tampa Bay

Playoff implications? Check. An intense divisional match-up between the top team in the NFC and a young up-start? Check. A football game? Check. That's three checks! And on this grading scale a check is at least equal to a plus. So in other words this game is a triple plus. The Bucs are looking to win their 5th in a row while the Falcons have an opportunity to all but clinch the division with a win. Neither team was terribly impressive in victory last week, but they survived, and in this world ain't that all that matters? Sorry I'm watching Walking Dead right now. This should be an interesting match-up but I expect the experienced Falcons to get the W.

Falcons 24-21


Tennessee @ Jacksonville

These teams' seasons are so dead that they need a coroner. Which is ironic, because this game will be in the corner ... SCREEN AT THE SHACK!. Honestly, there is no reason to watch this game, especially now that Matthew Hasselbeck is on the bench counting down the days until he will take his brother's job at ESPN. So who wins? No one, even the team that wins.

Jaguars 28-24


Sunday Afternoon

Baltimore @ San Diego

It's a bad sign for your season when losing to the Broncos by only 7 is considered an impressive outing. That's where we're at with the Chargers. San Diego started the season off at 2-0, now they're 4-6, meaning they've gone 2-6 in their last eight games. Fun fact: those two wins came against the Chiefs. The Ravens have amassed an 8-2 record by taking advantage of a weak schedule, and things don't get any tougher for them this week, meaning a 9-2 record and a sustained lack of belief is well within their grasp.

Ravens 24-17


St. Louis @ Arizona

It's well publicized that the Cardinals have lost 6 straight games after winning their first 4, so pointing out how hilarious it is would serve no purpose. No purpose at all. And as we all know, the Rams lost by double digits at home to the lowly Jets, so I don't really have to bring it up here. But it's important to note that both of these teams are struggling; struggling mightily. Normally I'd give the advantage to the home team, but normally the home team isn't starting Ryan Lindley, making the outcome of this game nearly impossible to forecast. It's coin flippin' time!

Rams 20-17


San Francisco @ New Orleans

Don't look now, but the Saints are .... Ok, sorry, you can look again ... but the Saints are back in the NFC playoff race. They'll face a formidable opponent this week when Colin Kaepernick and the 49ers come to town. San Francisco's new QB wowed in his first start on Monday, but will he be able to replicate that performance against the NFL's 31st best pass defense? Actually, yeah, I don't see why that would be a problem. However, it's Kaepernick's first road start and now the Saints have at least some tape to study in preparation for him. I keep going back and forth on this one, but I realize that eventually I'll have to make a pick. I suppose it would be cowardly to wait until Sunday night, right? Damn it, fine.

49ers 28-25

Sunday Night

Green Bay @ New York Giants

Last January the Giants waltzed into Lambeau Field and dismantled the Packers in the divisional playoff round on their way to a Super Bowl championship. So they've got Green Bay's number right? Think twice scumbag. Two important factors are working against New York: they're at home, and it's a regular season game; both of which mean that they probably won't generate a dominant pass rush nor will they give a shit. Expect Aaron Rodgers and the Packers to go Burger King all over their asses, meaning they'll have it their way (is Burger King still in business?).

Packers 31-23


Monday Night

Carolina @ Philadelphia

BAAAARRRRRRRRF! Eagles - Vick & McCoy + Foles & Brown = Loss.

Panthers 16-13