NFL Picks - Week 9

Sunday Morning

Denver @ Cincinnati

The Broncos finally put together a complete game last week in their win over the Saints. But with the ever increasing importance of specialists in the bullpen, pitching a complete game just isn't as necessary as it once was. Hmm, wait, that's baseball. Well anyhow, Denver looks solid even if they do get behind early; with their big bats and ability to run the bases no lead is safe. Damn it. Sorry, won't happen again.

Broncos 28-20


Baltimore @ Cleveland

The Ravens defense has taken a large hit via injuries and it showed during their game against the Texans two weeks ago when they gave up 43 points. Baltimore had a week off to think about they did while Cleveland had a week on, beating San Diego in a 7-6 battle of wills that could be described as a matter of life or death. It can be described that way because whoever actually lived through watching that game wanted to die. The offenses figure to struggle in this game as well, but ultimately the Ravens will come out on top. The Browns may be on top at some point, but it will merely be penultimately at best.

Ravens 16-12


Arizona @ Green Bay

Much has changed since these teams last met in a thrilling playoff duel between Aaron Rodgers and Kurt Warner. Rodgers has become arguably the best player in the NFL while the Cardinals have employed the following people as starting quarterbacks: Derek "That's Fine" Anderson, Max "Blow the Whistle!" Hall, and John "Exo" Skelton. Guess which team won a Super Bowl since that playoff game ... If you actually had to guess it means you weren't aware that Green Bay won the Super Bowl two years ago, which also means you're not much of a football fan, which in kind means that you don't even read these posts for the football analysis, which can only mean that you come here for the irreverent and refreshing writing style. Thank you, that's a flattering compliment.

Packers 27-10


Chicago @ Tennessee

The Bears were unimpressive in their one point victory over Carolina last week. It was a surprisingly close game that only a true NFL expert could have expected ("I expect this one to be surprisingly close, but ultimately the Bears will move to 6-1" - NFL Picks - Week 8). I'd be willing to bet that Matthew Hasselbeck was watching closely and that he probably liked what he saw. I mean, Hasselbeck's a major football fan, so naturally he enjoyed watching a good game, but he also liked what he saw because he now knows exactly how to attack the Chicago D. And how is that, you might be asking? Oh right, I'm just going to say it right here and warn the Bears? Get real scumbag.

Titans 20-17


Miami @ Indianapolis

Were you aware that if the season ended today these two teams would be the AFC wild cards? Were you also aware that if the season ended today it would be the shortest regular season in NFL history? While that last rhetorical question made for an hilarious follow-up comment, it also illustrates the fact that while these teams have surprised many, the season is still young. However, when you look at the rest of the wild card contenders in the AFC it's difficult to find strong candidates, which means that the Dolphins or the Colts could very well make the playoffs. In kind, this game could prove very important down the road. The Miami defense has been able to keep opponents' scoring low which should come in handy against Indianapolis, or any other team for that matter.

Dolphins 17-16


Carolina @ Washington

Most people will draw a comparison between these two young starting quarterbacks. Well, in the words of Warren Moon, "That's racist!" These QBs couldn't be more different. For instance, Robert Griffin has been an active participant in the 2012 NFL season, whereas Cam Newton has not. I won't bore you with the full list of dissimilarities between the two but trust me it goes deep, all the way to the White House.

Redskins 24-20


Detroit @ Jacksonville

Is it a coincidence that the Jaguars traded WR Mike Thomas to the Lions the same week that they're playing them? I don't think so, and I think Detroit should be asking the same question. This is most likely a brilliant move by the Jacksonville Jaguars organization to infiltrate the iron curtain that normally shrouds the Lions' organization. What kind of secrets will Mike Thomas unearth as he delves deep into the inner workings of the mysterious cabal known as the Detroit Lions? We might not find out Sunday because this is more of a long con, but believe me the Jags will be reaping the benefits come Super Bowl Sunday.

Lions 27-16

Buffalo @ Houston

The Texans have become the team to beat in the AFC, while the Bills have become a team that you can beat in the AFC. When you combine the two it doesn't look promising for Buffalo as they travel to Houston. Is there a chance that the Bills could pull an upset? I wouldn't rule it out entirely, but that's just something I'm working on in my life, learning to be more open-minded. It's been very freeing for the most part, but now it takes me about an hour and a half to make each one of these picks.

Texans 28-14


Sunday Afternoon

Minnesota @ Seattle

The Seahawks return home to Seattle, which not only means they have a better chance of winning, but also that Fox cameras are picking up hours of B roll at Pike Place Market as we speak. Have you guys heard about this? They throw fish at this place! It's like one guy just tosses this big ol' fish to another guy and he catches it! Look, I can't blame you if you find it hard to believe, but after witnessing the broadcasts of hundreds of games played in Seattle and seeing the fish throwing during every single one of them I can vouch for it. If Russell Wilson displays even half the arm strength of the Pike Place Market fish mongers the Hawks have a good chance at winning.

Seahawks 23-13


Tampa Bay @ Oakland

The Raiders have won back to back games! And they did it against the Jaguars and the Chiefs ... Well hey, it's better than losing to those teams, right? Meanwhile, the Bucs are coming off a win over the Vikings that can actually be considered impressive. Both teams come in to this game at 3-4, which is important to point out because I have nothing better to say about this game.

Buccaneers 30-22


Pittsburgh @ New York Giants

Due to Hurricane Sandy rendering their booked hotel powerless the Steelers will have to fly to New York on game day. A fairly short flight before a game might not be a big deal for most teams but it's a good bet that Ben Roethlisberger will consume no less than 3 Red Bull vodkas before they land. While that will make him loose and energized at the start of the game he'll crash pretty hard come the 2nd half. By the final two minutes, when Pittsburgh needs a winning drive Roethlisberger's throbbing head will end up getting the better of him (which won't be the first time).

Giants 27-23


Sunday Night

Dallas @ Atlanta

The Cowboys nearly pulled off an unbelievable comeback last week against the Giants only to have Dez Bryant's fingers land out of bounds on what would have been the game winning catch. Bryant made a great effort and even got a little banged up upon landing which is causing many to overlook a crucial aspect of that play, if that wimp wouldn't have felt the need to brace himself with his hand his team would have won the game. The Falcons come into this contest at 7-0 even though I fearlessly predicted that they'd lose their first game last week. And guess what, I'm going to do it again. The possibility of falling to 3-5 is going to make Dallas the more desperate team, and if there's one thing I know, it's desperation.

Cowboys 28-25


Monday Night

Philadelphia @ New Orleans

Speaking of desperation, this game reeks of it. What does desperation smell like? Like butts. A Saints' loss would pretty much end their season while a poor performance from Michael Vick may force Andy Reid to make a change at quarterback. So clearly there's a lot riding on this game. However, there's not a lot of writing on this game ... because that's all I've got. Haha, I slay me!

Saints 23-20