NFL Picks - Week 13

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ Chicago

The Seahawks are playing on the road in this game. Normally that would be plenty of analysis, but perhaps it won't automatically spell doom for the Hawks as it has for them so far this season. The last two regular season trips to Chicago have resulted in Ws for Seattle, which has to count for something (NOTE: They counted as wins, one in '10 and one in '11 ... that's what they counted for). The Bears defense has made their name by forcing turnovers, especially Charles Tillman, who has become infamous for punching balls out of opposing players' arms. However, I've learned that the Seahawks have braced for the ball-punching by practicing with this guy all week. That added preparation should be enough to put them over the top.

Seahawks 20-17


Jacksonville @ Buffalo

These Jags are not going away, which is too bad for them because they already have 9 losses and no realistic chance of making the playoffs. If they did just go away they'd have a good shot at the first pick in next April's draft. Of course, that would require a Mike Mularkey team to give up, and you know what I have to say to that? Fat fucking chance. Speaking of Mularkey, he'll be coaching against his former team in this game, which is a storyline that no one seems to be talking about, and with good reason, it's just not that interesting. Even Mularkey's immediate family didn't seem intrigued when I discussed the matter with them on Skype earlier this week. As boring as that all may be it's worth noting that Chad Henne has done a markedly (Mularkedly?) better job running the Jacksonville offense than Blaine Gabbert, and I actually like their chances of getting the win at Buffalo.

Jaguars 27-23


San Francisco @ St. Louis

The last time these teams met there were no winners, except for the fans, all of whom love ties. Colin Kaepernick is now 2-0 as a starter, but to be fair those starts came against Chicago and New Orleans; the road gets a bit more bumpy with the Rams next on the slate. Good luck kid, you're gonna need it. Ever hear of the 12th Ram? You will on Sunday ... maybe. It's unclear if anybody is really in the stands, it might just be cardboard cut-outs.

49ers 24-16


New England @ Miami

One big question hangs over this game as we get closer to Sunday: Will Miami trigger their sprinklers at an opportune moment in an effort to gain an unfair advantage again? I say why not, it clearly worked the last time. As long as the NFL is doing nothing to discipline this blatant and egregious abuse of stadium facilities the Dolphins' grounds crew will continue to nefariously alter the outcomes of games. I expect Goodell to come down with a ruling before the weekend, so look for the Pats to win.

Patriots 38-21


Arizona @ New York Jets

When bald eagles mate they lock claws in mid-air and plummet towards the ground in a free fall. So in a way this game between the Cardinals and Jets will look a lot like bald eagle sex. Considering these teams have combined to go 2-12 since Week 4, to say that they're in a free fall is not an exaggeration. Which will pull out of their dive first? Tune in to find out! And then tell me what happens, because I will not be watching.

Jets 20-13


Indianapolis @ Detroit

As you all probably know by now Jim Schwartz cost his team on Thanksgiving when he challenged a touchdown that would have been automatically reviewed incurring an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty and negating that review. What you may have forgotten is that Jim Harbaugh (Jaw Sweatshirt) did the same thing against the Lions last season at which point Schwartz could clearly be seen shouting across the field, "Learn the rules Harbaugh!" (LINK) Well well well, the flag's in the other pocket now isn't it Schwartzy? What a turbo (though it's important to keep in mind that Jaw Sweatshirt made the same mistake last year, never forget that). That being said, the Colts have been fairly poor on the road this season, so I'll take the Lions even though their coach is a hypocrite.

Lions 28-23


Minnesota @ Green Bay

Aaron Rodgers looked out of sorts last week against the Giants, resulting in him looking sort of awful. Though the blame for the Packers' sub-par performance mostly lies with their offensive line's inability to block, which is an important skill to possess if you want to be an effective offensive line in the National Football League. The home field advantage should help this week, and if it doesn't than the lineman should consider sewing all their jerseys together to make an impenetrable wall of mesh that may not technically be legal but surely worth a shot.

Packers 31-13


Houston @ Tennessee

With a 10-1 record it's hard to argue that the Texans have taken care of business so far, especially when you consider the fact that they've won in OT the last two weeks. So in other words, they're taking care of business and working overtime ... workout! Ba da na na na Na na na na na! Bow wow now now now Weow weow weow weow weow! And against the Titans shoddy defense Johnson, Foster, Schaub'll thrive.

Texans 35-21


Carolina @ Kansas City

Corner screen at The Shack, main screen in Hell.

Panthers 23-14


Sunday Afternoon

Tampa Bay @ Denver

The Buccaneers defense is first in the league against the run but last against the pass. "Awesome!" said Peyton Manning. The Broncos' QB has to be licking his chops in preparation for this match-up. Though ever sense he's been in Denver he's been licking his chops a lot more because he's at a very high altitude and the cold, thin air has rendered his lips terribly chapped, so it might have nothing to do with this game. Either way, expect big numbers from Manning on the way to a seventh straight win.

Broncos 31-24


Cleveland @ Oakland

Have you ever watched a cat hack up a hairball all the way from start to finish, from the first stomach spasm through the regurgitation? If you answered no, just watch this game, then I'll ask you the same question afterward and you'll be able to say yes.

Browns 24-21


Cincinnati @ San Diego

Neither of these teams managed to sell out their game last week, so what are the chances that the fans in San Diego show up for this one? Is it like when you multiply two negatives and it becomes a positive? I'll bet that it will be more like adding negatives, which makes for an even greater negative. Look, I'm not trying to be too negative here but if the Chargers' fans didn't show up last week, they certainly won't show up after their team blew a game in ridiculous fashion. The lack of home-field advantage should prove beneficial for the streaking Bengals.

Bengals 27-20


Pittsburgh @ Baltimore

The outcome of this game could very well depend on whether or not Ben Roethlisberger plays. The Steelers most definitely have a better shot with him in the game, and conversely they have a much worse shot without him in the game, that's how that works. See that's what I was trying to say earlier when I said that "this game could very well depend on whether or not Ben Reothlisberger plays." Hopefully that's all clear to you at this point. Either way I think Pittsburgh loses.

Ravens 19-9


Sunday Night

Philadelphia @ Dallas

The Cowboys are hanging on to their playoff hope by a thread, a loose thread on a sweater that just keeps unraveling until they'll eventually be left with nothing. But this Eagles team may as well be a master seamstress capable of taking that thread and ... alright to hell with it, what I'm trying to say is that Philly sucks and they're showing no signs of stopping any time soon.

Cowboys 35-17


Monday Night

New York Giants @ Washington

RG3 put on quite the show on Thanksgiving in Dallas, well now he's taking his show to Broadway! Whoops, no he's not, this game is being played in D.C. Well in that case, I guess we could say that it's time that Mr. Griff goes to Washington ... for the 6th time this season. Meanwhile the Giants re-established themselves as a force to be reckoned with after a dominant win over Green Bay last week. It's highly possible that both these teams are peaking right now, which means that when they clash on Monday it may create some sort of magnificent light beam that will rocket into the sky and stay there for all of time. Or it could just be a pretty solid game. You should probably tune in just in case it's the former.

Giants 26-24