Seattle @ Chicago
The Seahawks are
playing on the road in this game. Normally that would be plenty of
analysis, but perhaps it won't automatically spell doom for the Hawks as
it has for them so far this season. The last two regular season trips
to Chicago have resulted in Ws for Seattle, which has to count for
something (NOTE: They counted as wins, one in '10 and one in '11 ...
that's what they counted for). The Bears defense has made their name by
forcing turnovers, especially Charles Tillman, who has become infamous
for punching balls out of opposing players' arms. However, I've learned
that the Seahawks have braced for the ball-punching by practicing with this guy all week. That added preparation should be enough to put them over the top.
Jacksonville @ Buffalo
Jags are not going away, which is too bad for them because they already
have 9 losses and no realistic chance of making the playoffs. If they
did just go away they'd have a good shot at the first pick in next
April's draft. Of course, that would require a Mike Mularkey team to
give up, and you know what I have to say to that? Fat fucking chance.
Speaking of Mularkey, he'll be coaching against his former team in this
game, which is a storyline that no one seems to be talking about, and
with good reason, it's just not that interesting. Even Mularkey's
immediate family didn't seem intrigued when I discussed the matter with
them on Skype earlier this week. As boring as that all may be it's worth
noting that Chad Henne has done a markedly (Mularkedly?) better job
running the Jacksonville offense than Blaine Gabbert, and I actually
like their chances of getting the win at Buffalo.
San Francisco @ St. Louis
last time these teams met there were no winners, except for the fans,
all of whom love ties. Colin Kaepernick is now 2-0 as a starter, but to
be fair those starts came against Chicago and New Orleans; the road gets
a bit more bumpy with the Rams next on the slate. Good luck kid, you're
gonna need it. Ever hear of the 12th Ram? You will on Sunday ... maybe.
It's unclear if anybody is really in the stands, it might just be
New England @ Miami
question hangs over this game as we get closer to Sunday: Will Miami
trigger their sprinklers at an opportune moment in an effort to gain an
unfair advantage again? I say why not, it clearly worked the last time.
As long as the NFL is doing nothing to discipline this blatant and
egregious abuse of stadium facilities the Dolphins' grounds crew will
continue to nefariously alter the outcomes of games. I expect Goodell to
come down with a ruling before the weekend, so look for the Pats to
Arizona @ New York Jets
bald eagles mate they lock claws in mid-air and plummet towards the
ground in a free fall. So in a way this game between the Cardinals and
Jets will look a lot like bald eagle sex. Considering these teams have
combined to go 2-12 since Week 4, to say that they're in a free fall is
not an exaggeration. Which will pull out of their dive first? Tune in to
find out! And then tell me what happens, because I will not be
Indianapolis @ Detroit
As you all probably know by now Jim
Schwartz cost his team on Thanksgiving when he challenged a touchdown
that would have been automatically reviewed incurring an unsportsmanlike
conduct penalty and negating that review. What you may have forgotten
is that Jim Harbaugh (Jaw Sweatshirt) did the same thing against the
Lions last season at which point Schwartz could clearly be seen shouting
across the field, "Learn the rules Harbaugh!" (LINK) Well well well,
the flag's in the other pocket now isn't it Schwartzy? What a turbo
(though it's important to keep in mind that Jaw Sweatshirt made the same
mistake last year, never forget that). That being said, the Colts have
been fairly poor on the road this season, so I'll take the Lions even
though their coach is a hypocrite.
Minnesota @ Green Bay
Rodgers looked out of sorts last week against the Giants, resulting in
him looking sort of awful. Though the blame for the Packers' sub-par
performance mostly lies with their offensive line's inability to block,
which is an important skill to possess if you want to be an effective
offensive line in the National Football League. The home field advantage
should help this week, and if it doesn't than the lineman should
consider sewing all their jerseys together to make an impenetrable wall
of mesh that may not technically be legal but surely worth a shot.
Houston @ Tennessee
10-1 record it's hard to argue that the Texans have taken care of
business so far, especially when you consider the fact that they've won
in OT the last two weeks. So in other words, they're taking care of
business and working overtime ... workout! Ba da na na na Na na na na
na! Bow wow now now now Weow weow weow weow weow! And against the Titans
shoddy defense Johnson, Foster, Schaub'll thrive.
Carolina @ Kansas City
Corner screen at The Shack, main screen in Hell.
Tampa Bay @ Denver
Buccaneers defense is first in the league against the run but last
against the pass. "Awesome!" said Peyton Manning. The Broncos' QB has to
be licking his chops in preparation for this match-up. Though ever
sense he's been in Denver he's been licking his chops a lot more because
he's at a very high altitude and the cold, thin air has rendered his
lips terribly chapped, so it might have nothing to do with this game.
Either way, expect big numbers from Manning on the way to a seventh
Cleveland @ Oakland
you ever watched a cat hack up a hairball all the way from start to
finish, from the first stomach spasm through the regurgitation? If you
answered no, just watch this game, then I'll ask you the same question
afterward and you'll be able to say yes.
Cincinnati @ San Diego
of these teams managed to sell out their game last week, so what are
the chances that the fans in San Diego show up for this one? Is it like
when you multiply two negatives and it becomes a positive? I'll bet that
it will be more like adding negatives, which makes for an even greater
negative. Look, I'm not trying to be too negative here but if the
Chargers' fans didn't show up last week, they certainly won't show up
after their team blew a game in ridiculous fashion. The lack of
home-field advantage should prove beneficial for the streaking Bengals.
Pittsburgh @ Baltimore
The outcome of this game could very
well depend on whether or not Ben Roethlisberger plays. The Steelers
most definitely have a better shot with him in the game, and conversely
they have a much worse shot without him in the game, that's how that
works. See that's what I was trying to say earlier when I said that
"this game could very well depend on whether or not Ben Reothlisberger
plays." Hopefully that's all clear to you at this point. Either way I
think Pittsburgh loses.
Philadelphia @ Dallas
Cowboys are hanging on to their playoff hope by a thread, a loose
thread on a sweater that just keeps unraveling until they'll eventually
be left with nothing. But this Eagles team may as well be a master
seamstress capable of taking that thread and ... alright to hell with
it, what I'm trying to say is that Philly sucks and they're showing no
signs of stopping any time soon.
New York Giants @ Washington
put on quite the show on Thanksgiving in Dallas, well now he's taking
his show to Broadway! Whoops, no he's not, this game is being played in
D.C. Well in that case, I guess we could say that it's time that Mr.
Griff goes to Washington ... for the 6th time this season. Meanwhile the
Giants re-established themselves as a force to be reckoned with after a
dominant win over Green Bay last week. It's highly possible that both
these teams are peaking right now, which means that when they clash on
Monday it may create some sort of magnificent light beam that will
rocket into the sky and stay there for all of time. Or it could just be a
pretty solid game. You should probably tune in just in case it's the