NFL Picks - Week 11

Sunday Morning

Arizona @ Atlanta

This game features two teams that got out to impressive undefeated starts and are now on embarrassing losing streaks. Granted, the Falcons have only lost one in a row, but after winning their first eight you just know they're ashamed of themselves. I mean, they increased their amount of losses by infinity percent. When you look at it that way it's really pathetic. In other words, Atlanta is a team looking to reclaim their pride. As we all know, the Cardinals have lost their last five after starting 4-0; look for them to lose number six here, but don't look too hard because it probably won't be worth it.

Falcons 24-16


Cleveland @ Dallas

A couple weeks ago when his ability to govern his team was questioned Jerry Jones said that he would "Always be the Cowboys general manager." Besides that sounding like a line from The Shining it must have instilled confidence in his team. It's rare to have that type of stability in today's NFL. Most GMs last only a handful of years, so to have the assurance that yours will be around for eternity has to be comforting. Dallas has a chance to make a playoff push with five of their next six games coming at home. Meanwhile the Browns have a chance to make a push for the #1 pick in the draft with all of their next seven games coming against NFL teams.

Cowboys 26-13


Green Bay @ Detroit

The Packers had won four straight heading into their bye week and they really seemed to be getting in a rhythm. So was it a good thing for them to take a week off? Well, I have it on good authority that fullback John Kuhn went out and crushed ass in the greater Milwaukee area for seven straight days, so good luck trying to tell him that it wasn't a "good thing." As for the break messing with their momentum, I wouldn't worry too much about it. I mean I wouldn't be worried even if they lost, so maybe that's not the best way to phrase it, but what I was getting at is that I think Green Bay will win.

Packers 28-23


Cincinnati @ Kansas City

The Chiefs leaped a major hurdle last week when they managed to get their first lead of the season. Unfortunately for them most races have more than one hurdle (except for races that don't involve hurdles, but I think we can all agree that when I mentioned the presence of a hurdle in that first sentence we were operating on the assumption that this was not one of those races). The Bengals are coming off an impressive victory over the Giants and seem like they might be on the verge of turning their season around. You know what that means: Chiefs in an upset! And we'll all be upset that we missed it because it'll be on the CORNER SCREEN AT THE SHACK!

Chiefs 20-17


Philadelphia @ Washington

I know I said that if the Eagles lost last week that it would all but end their season, well I'm glad I said "all but" because if they lose this game it will certainly end their season (NOTE: I didn't actually say, "all but" I said "most likely"; you readers are so vigilant that I didn't even want to attempt to slip this one by you, keep up the good work gang, you're the real stars). The Redskins also need a win to salvage any semblance of hope, not just for their season but in general, the mood has turned very depressive in the Washington locker room. Well cheer up Redskins, I think you'll get a win against the Eagles with Nick Foles making his first start. Of course, you should also realize that football isn't everything and that true healing comes from within, but those are more long term goals.

Redskins 23-20


Tampa Bay @ Carolina

Can anyone or anything stop these red hot Tampa Bay Buccaneers? Yes, fate can. Do I know something you don't? I guess we'll have to wait and see (I've just set up a scenario in which the only way I'll be wrong is if the Bucs win the Super Bowl; any other result and I'll simply slap together an explanation for the preceding, cryptic statement). In all seriousness though, Tampa has been on a roll lately, so why do I get the strange feeling that they'll blow it at Carolina? Maybe it's the fact that they have a home game against the Falcons next week, or maybe it's the fact that I've just snorted opiates. Either way, I'm going to pick another upset here.

Panthers 24-21


Jacksonville @ Houston

The Texans' win on a rain-soaked field in Chicago last week showed the rest of the league that they mean business, and that's really sad. You mean business? It's like, when did this become a job for you Texans? I remember when it was a game. When it was just about tossin' 'round the ol' pigskin with your pals in the backyard, and then someone attempting a punt and having it sail over the fence into the neighbor's yard and everybody being too big of a pussy to simply go ring another person's doorbell and ask for the ball back which effectively ended the game resulting in everyone having way too much free time on their hands leading them to experiment with cigarettes and God knows what assortment of hard drugs further down the line. So all in all maybe it's a good thing that Houston has taken a more professional approach to this season.

Texans 30-10


New York Jets @ St. Louis

A couple years ago, if you had told me that Rex Ryan cried in the locker room as a result of a loss to the Seahawks it would have thrilled me to no end. Now? It thrills me to an end, but that end took a long to time to get to. It's clear that Rex is extremely unhappy with his team's 3-6 start. So unhappy, in fact, that he cried in the locker room after the Jets' loss to the Seahawks, which I've already mentioned before, but it's certainly worth pointing out again. New York will look to start a turn around at St. Louis against a Rams team who tied with the 49ers last week. A tie in an NFL game? Some would consider that a crying shame. Rex Ryan, for example. As lame an ending as that tie was I think it's an encouraging sign for the Rams and will propel them to victory against the Jets. I know I've picked New York to lose plenty of times in the past, but trust me I'm not just crying wolf, nor am I crying like Rex Ryan did after his team's loss to the Seahawks last Sunday.

Rams 20-13


Sunday Afternoon

New Orleans @ Oakland

Expect the scoreboard to light up in this one! Of course, you should expect the scoreboard to light up during all the games this weekend because we live in 2012 and hand-ops are something of an antiquated notion, particularly in football where keeping up with the clock would be a real pain in the neck. But we're getting off track, what I was trying to say is that there figures to be a lot of points when these porous pass defenses and top 5 pass offenses go up against each other. It's possible that the Saints could experience a let down after their big win over Atlanta and before their playoff rematch with San Francisco next week, but the Raiders are just real crummy, especially without Darren McFadden (who would have guessed that he would get hurt?).

Saints 38-24


San Diego @ Denver

The Broncos have still scored 35 unanswered points on the Chargers dating back to their Monday night match-up in Week 6. Allow me to use this game as a platform to complain about one of my biggest announcer pet peeves. The term "unanswered points" is being grossly misused. For instance, let's say the Chargers score the first touchdown, then the Broncos follow with 21 straight points in the 2nd quarter, and San Diego opens the 3rd quarter with a field goal drive. More often than not I hear this scenario described as Denver having scored 21 unanswered points, well what about when San Diego answered!? They aren't unanswered points unless one team doesn't score for the remainder of the game, it's merely 21 straight points. Damn it I'm pissed! Anyway, Broncos will win.

Broncos 31-20


Indianapolis @ New England

This rivalry just got reignited! Expect Jim Nantz to say that within the first half hour of the broadcast. Here are some other things you can expect Nantz to say at some point during the game: "Touchdown!" "It's good." "Aaaand it's incomplete." "Out of bounds." "Fuck you Phil, I've had it with your shit!" Look for Andrew Luck to have a big day against the Pats' weak secondary, but it will most likely not be big enough.

Patriots 34-28


Sunday Night

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh

It's Sunday night and it's Byron Leftwich time! This is much later than the normal Byron Leftwich time, which usually occurs at about 12:30 on a Wednesday when the 2nd team gets their reps in practice. Of course, this situation carries slightly more pressure, but if there's one man that can handle this type of pressure it's Joe Montana. That guy was just always cool. Unfortunately, Byron Leftwich is not Joe Montana, which is clear from the spelling of their names, but also their play on the football field; and I'm not even going to get into the whole race subject, because Leftwich is obviously not very fast and Montana in his prime would have clearly won that contest. The bottom line is that the Steelers needed overtime to beat the Chiefs last Monday; The Ravens pose a much tougher test, like that Bio midterm; hey what did you guys get on #3?

Ravens 17-10


Monday Night

Chicago @ San Francisco

Are you ready for some football? Jason Campbell I'm talking you specifically. I hope so for your sake, because it looks like you'll have to play a considerable amount of it as it appears Jay Cutler will not be active for the Bears. And if that does turn out to be the case I can't imagine that the Bears will have much success against the Niners defense. However, if Cutler does play, well I can imagine the Bears having success, but like I said before I've been snorting opiates, so I'm imagining some pretty weird stuff right now.

49ers 16-6