NFL Picks - Week 13

Sunday Morning

Jacksonville @ Cleveland

Don't look now, actually ya know what, look right now: the Jags have won two out of their last three. And if you still think that's bad then maybe you should talk to Meatloaf, because he would almost certainly tell you otherwise. Meanwhile, the Browns are struggling. That marks the 900,000th time that the previous sentence has been written. While it's near torture to have to pick a winner here, I'll force myself to go with Cleveland.

Browns 16-13

Tennessee @ Indianapolis

If the playoffs started today this would be a first round match-up. It would be a peculiar occurrence, not necessarily because of the teams involved but because the playoffs would be starting on a weekday between Weeks 12 and 13. The Colts have been very shaky since their big win over the Broncos in Week 7, inspiring very little confidence. However, even with their uneven performance they were still able to top the Titans in Nashville only a couple weeks ago. With this game being played in Indy, I have no choice but to pick the Colts. I'm serious you guys, I wish I had the guts to pick the other way, but I'm just too much of a coward. I'm sorry ... I'm sorry! (Uncontrollable sobbing (Wait a minute, why did I even type that? There was really no need))

Colts 24-17

Chicago @ Minnesota

I just can't trust the Bears anymore. Though, it's really never a good idea to trust bears, they're greedy and usually just interested in honey. Chicago looked less than impressive in their loss to St. Louis, and while Josh McCown's stats seemed fine in the process, there's just something missing. That "something" is probably the presence of a run defense; the Bears are last in the league and are traveling to Minnesota to go against Adrian Peterson. Good luck assholes.

Vikings 23-21

Miami @ New York Jets

The Jets are 4-1 at home, which should be a good omen for this Sunday. A bad omen for this Sunday is that Geno Smith is starting for New York, and in the last four games he's thrown 0 TDs and 8 Ints. But maybe Smith won't have to do anything to get a W. The Jets are the best in the league against the run, and the Dolphins are among the worst at running it. Also, New York runs well, while Miami is just as bad at defending the run as they are running it themselves. That adds up to a win for the Jets, even win you subtract appropriately for Geno Smith.

Jets 17-13

Arizona @ Philadelphia

These teams come into this game hot hot hot! This match-up is for the birds! Let's get ready to take flight in an NFC showdown! Hey, here's a football game! Ok, I couldn't figure out how to start things off, so I just threw everything out there to see what stuck. It seems like this game could go either way, but when I look at the stats I have to side with the Cards. They're good against the run, which is what the Eagles do best, and Philly is awful against the pass, which is what Arizona does best. When you factor in the Eagles' struggles at home it's really a no brainer, meaning my pick is "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." However, if I do use my brain ...

Cardinals 31-27

Tampa Bay @ Carolina

Mike Glennon is on fire! And not just because he's spent more than 20 minutes in the sun. The Bucs have won three in a row, and are seemingly unstoppable. Unfortunately, they are running into a buzz saw, and that buzz saw's name is the Carolina Panther buzz saws. I think the Panthers get their eighth win in a row, but look for Tampa to put up a fight. Mike Glennon don't know no other way.

Panthers 23-16

New England @ Houston

The Texans have now lost nine in a row and are in the running for the #1 pick in next year's draft. They should have no motivation to win another game this year, which won't be a problem judging by the effort they put forth in a home loss to Jacksonville. Houston has been within a touchdown in their last five, look for that to change Sunday. But first look for a better game to watch, because this one probably won't be worth it.

Patriots 27-17

Sunday Afternoon

Atlanta @ Buffalo

After weeks of getting blown out, the Falcons managed to hang with the Saints and lose by only 4. Essentially that was their death rattle. They will now be put on an ice floe and sent off into the great unknown ... Canada! That's right, it's the annual game north of the border and here's hoping that the Molson's are flowin', because you'd have to be drunk to give two pucks about this one. I think Buffalo will have more fight in them and get the win.

Bills 28-20

St. Louis @ San Francisco

What has gotten into these Rams? They've won two in a row, putting up a total of 80 points and a +7 turnover differential in the process. All of which begs the question, what has gotten into these Rams? Oh, I already asked that, didn't I? Aww screw it, too late to go back and delete it now. I don't look behind me, only forward. Yes, it creates problems when typing; I've butchered countless e-mails at work, and am this close to getting fired as a result. Can the Rams keep it going in San Francisco this Sunday? I expect it to be competitive, but Kellen Clemens will ultimately be their undoing.

49ers 20-13

Denver @ Kansas City

Ladies and gentlemen, your Game of the Week ... runner-up. Both teams are coming off disappointing losses; games that they had in their back pocket. The Chiefs' dominant defense suddenly looks vulnerable while Peyton Manning reminded everyone that he is not to be trusted in cold weather (some of us didn't have to be reminded, in fact, some of us predicted exactly what would happen, but whatever). This Sunday's forecast calls for it to be 43 degrees and raining, raining footballs. But also, actual rain too. Even if Kansas City does get Tamba Hali back I expect Denver to get the job done.

Broncos 24-20

Cincinnati @ San Diego

Just when you think you can give up on the Chargers they pull out a late win in Kansas City, and put up 41 points doing it. As a result, they're right in the middle of the race for the AFC's now infamous second wild card spot. Can they make it two in a row with the Bengals coming to town? I don't see why not. As I've mentioned before, I have very little confidence in the Bengals' ability to win on the road. I know that in this situation Fred Durst would tell me that I gotta have faith, but I'm not sure I can roll with ol' Dursty on this one.

Chargers 23-20

Sunday Night

New York Giants @ Washington

Isn't this why the flex option was invented? This is an awful match-up. I can count four other games on Sunday that I am more interested in seeing. I suppose I'm failing to take into account the fact that these teams play in the NFC East, the most exciting division in football. Play on studs.

Giants 31-23

Monday Night

New Orleans @ Seattle

It's a Monday night game in Seattle and the Hawks have the best record in the NFL. With a win, they will have a stranglehold on the top spot in the NFC. Factor all of this in and the CLink might explode. And Rob Ryan will poop his pants, and his face will look like this.


Seahawks 27-17