Award Winning NFL Picks - Week 1

Sunday Morning

New Orleans @ Atlanta

I spent countless hours (ok, 5) researching the Falcons on Hard Knocks. Here's what I can predict from what I've learned: Roddy White won't play a single down because he'll be too consumed with antagonizing William Moore. This will lead to at least one blown coverage touchdown. Pretty foolish Rod. Then again, we already knew he was an idiot.

Saints 30-22

Minnesota @ St. Louis

Poor Sam Bradford, that guy just can't catch a break. Plenty of tears, just no breaks. And so the Rams will now rally behind Shaun Hill. This is familiar territory for the Rams as a franchise, and who knows, maybe Shaun Hill will be the second coming of Kurt Warner. Then again, he could also be the second coming of Shaun Hill. Whoever he is it should be good enough at home against the Vikings. Or at least they'd better hope it is. And isn't hope the most powerful thing we have in this life anyhow?

Rams 16-13

Cleveland @ Pittsburgh

It's Johnny Football time baby! What's that? Brian Hoyer? Well what's his nickname? Doesn't have one!? What's his signature hand gesture? Nothing!? Then what's the point? This drip probably doesn't even have an instagram account. I'm already snoozing just writing about it. In today's NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE it's more about Q rating than QB rating. That's something Brian Hoyer still has to learn.

Steelers 19-10

Jacksonville @ Philadelphia

It's Gus Bradley vs. Chip Kelly in a battle of second year coaches at the opposite end of the gameplan. Bradley's D vs. Kelly's O will be the marquee match-up. Of course, whenever the other option involves Chad Henne the former is most likely more desirable. While I see the Jags improving overall this season, Week 1 will have a familiar result for them. And a familiar stench. That's more locker room related than anything though.

Eagles 28-17

Oakland @ New York Jets

I'd have a huge amount of respect and admiration for Derek Carr if after it was announced that he was going to be the Raiders' starting QB he tweeted "Vroom vroom." In all honesty I haven't checked, he may very well have done that, but I seriously doubt it. And it's that lack of moxie and wit that will result in him ultimately being a failure. Sorry bra, just gotta call it like I see it, it's how I was raised, don't know no other way.

Jets 26-16

Cincinnati @ Baltimore

This early season match-up could end up deciding the AFC North championship. Then again, with 16 weeks still remaining after this game there are truly infinite possibilities making it virtually impossible to say something like that with any confidence. Yet at the same time it's equally as plausible as any other given permutation. But hey isn't that what makes this game so great!? Literally that last paragraph (or something close to it) is on a plaque in Canton. Pretty sure.

Ravens 24-21

Buffalo @ Chicago

All of Canada will be glued to this one. Their favorite son Marc Trestman takes on the Bills, their de facto national team. Hmm, ok so upon further research I discovered that while Trestman coached for years in the CFL he's actually from Minnesota; and the Bills one game per season in Toronto is played in front of mostly tepid crowds trying to figure out why there are no sticks. So it appears that FOX's boffo ratings in the Canadian demo for this contest are quickly slipping away. Their only chance to salvage this is to tab Alan Thicke to perform at halftime.

Bears 31-20 

Washington @ Houston

There's plenty of buzz surrounding the Texans as this year's version of the Chiefs, a team that will vault themselves from 2-14 straight into the playoffs. I just have one problem with that, Ryan Fitzpatrick. There was a time when I believed in Ryan Fitzpatrick. It was a simpler time and I was a simpler man. I've evolved. Ryan Fitzpatrick's football skills have devolved. I can't in good conscience predict Houston to be a winning team with him as the starter. Can they beat Washington at home though? Sure, why not? I mean, besides the Ryan Fitzpatrick element we just discussed.

Texans 20-16

Tennessee @ Kansas City

I'm not too sure what the Titans have to offer, other than a UW fan's fantasy backfield of Locker and Sankey. In a cruelly ironic twist, I don't see that leading to a lot of Ws.  Meanwhile, the Chiefs have been written off by many as a painfully obvious candidate for regression and I predict no different. Mainly because the type of obvious I like most is painful. I'm a real creep like that.

Chiefs  23-9

New England @ Miami

Is this the season that Tom Brady finally proves he can play in this league? I say yes, Don't give up on this guy just yet, he's gonna surprise some folks.

Patriots 27-20

Sunday Afternoon

Carolina @ Tampa Bay

Only two afternoon games? Thanks a pantload Goodell. First the Ray Rice decision and now this? Are you trying to get impeached bro? Anyway, most pundits are concerned about the Panthers' chances this season because they don't have any wide receivers. A quick perusal of their roster will reveal that those "experts" don't know so much after all; in fact, Carolina has multiple players listed at WR. Sometimes you can't believe the hype. That being said I expect the Bucs to actually finish above the Panthers when all is said and done, and this will be the first step. And the first step is the deepest.

Buccaneers 13-10

San Francisco @ Dallas

The 49ers' defense comes into the 2014 season depleted due to a rash of injuries and scumbags. That's good news for Tony Romo and you know I'm not lying, because Tony Romo is no place for fibs (that really took me 5 years?). On the flip side though the Cowboys' D is woeful even when fully healthy so the Niners should prevail. Well, in a just world I'd never claim that they "should," but they probably will.

49ers 31-24

Sunday Night

Indianapolis @ Denver

In 2013 the Broncos had a record setting offense, apparently. Peyton Manning put up the greatest statistical season ever for a quarterback, so I'm told. All in all, Denver was an unstoppable juggernaut, according to reports. From what I've seen though they'll be hard-pressed to put up double digits. But hey I'll take your word for it.

Broncos 34-24

Monday Night

New York Giants @ Detroit

I've heard that Eli Manning is going to be "let loose" in the Giants' new West Coast offense. Does that mean there were reins on him when he threw 27 interceptions last season? Imagine how many he's going to throw now that he's unshackled. This is going to be great! He's gonna have more embarrassing pics than Jennifer Lawrence.

Lions 30-22

San Diego @ Arizona

Let's all hope and pray that ESPN lets Chris Berman announce this game. Before the first quarter is through he'll reference "standing on the corner in Winslow, Arizona" and going "from Phoenix, Arizona all the way to Tacoma." Then we'll all take a minute to appreciate the national treasure that we are fortunate enough to hear once a year in the MNF booth.

Chargers 20-17